Normal is boring...

We've been dressing up in crazy outfits for 8 years now. I can't believe it's been that long since I suggested that we dress up for Thanksgiving dinner. YOu see, we used to celebrate Thanksgiving with our family before we moved South and it was always such a great time. Our first year with just the three of us was kind of boring and I thought dressing up would spice it up a bit. We took the concept of dressing up in our finest to the next level by dressing up in our old lady Sunday best the next year and it all kept going further downhill from there. Now it's all about who can find the most random combination and throw it together. The winner (who gets the most laughs) gets bragging rights for a year. It really is a GREAT time!

Please enjoy and laugh:

Giving Thanks...

It's one of my favorite days of the year!!!! A day full of laughter, cooking, drinking, and reflecting on the many reasons I'm thankful.

I try to give thanks each and every day and not just limit it to this one day. I believe that when you reflect on the good more good will come. Take the time to appreciate what you DO have and you will probably realize that there is so much more that you have than have not. I'm not saying you HAVE to do this, but I'm suggesting that you give it a go. Just try it. I have a feeling your heart will be happy that you did!

My reflection of thanks:
I'm so very THANKFUL for the direction that my life has taken me this past year. For the AMAZING people that are in my life (it's a pretty big list and I'm sure they know who they are). For the struggles, lessons learned, and the personal growth they afforded me. For a job where my empolyer treats me like family. For my little cottage that really is perfect for me. For my health...even my sidekick fiby (fibromyalgia has taught me how to put on a smile and brave face even when my body feels like it is attacking me). I'm thankful for each day that I awake and have the opportunity to make it the best.

I have a pretty wonderful life and wonderful people to share it with. Looking forward to the rest of this journey and to see where it takes me!

I hope that everyone has a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving full of family, friends, laughter, and reflection!


"It is not happy people who are thankful. It is THANKFUL people who are HAPPY!"

Music is what feeling sounds like...

Having a moment of getting lost in my thoughts and the music that is penetrating my eardrums. Music has a way of taking me on an emotional journey and letting me explore how I feel. Some of my best thinking is done when I have my earbuds in and the outside world fades away.

The music is taking me back to the same thoughts I've been having for quite some time now. I go from knowing exactly what I need to do or say to being that little girl in the corner that is terrified to speak up. I've talked this over with friends and they all tell me that it is time to take that risk (I've had one or two who tell me that it's ok not to put myself out there and to remain reserved).

I'm almost certain that fear is the worst emotion that there is. Fear can hold you back from experiencing so many other emotions. Fear is kind of like being locked in a prison (not that I have ever been in prison, but I'm going on my imagination here). I don't want to be on emotional lockdown anymore. I'm the only one who can break myself out...I know this.

I've been trying to pinpoint what exactly it is that terrifies me. Is it the fear of rejection? The fear of becoming fully immersed in the intoxicating feelings and losing myself? I think it's a combination of the two.

I deserve this amazing thing that is developing and I have so much to give. I know that I need to bite the bullet, take the plunge, dive right in...all of those things. You know because of that whole, if you don't risk taking chances in life you risk a whole lot more. There is a great quote that basically says that, but I can't find it. I'm sure that you catch my drift though.

"If you hold back feelings because you're afraid of being hurt, you end up hurting anyway." Little heart, I do believe that quote was directed at you!

In other news...fiby is being a major bitch! Sometimes when she isn't in full force I actually forget about my pain in the ass (literally) sidekick. Just when I'm feeling "normal" she likes to come out in full force and remind me of her presence. She's special like that.

It's been pretty awful lately. That feeling that every single muscle in my body is wound up in the tightest ball, lava flowing through the veins, and the desire to have someone break me into a million pieces. But, it will pass. It always does. I will put on my brave face along with a smile and push through this flare up. The only other option is to give into it and as tempting as it may be on some days, I'm just too damn stubborn to let fiby win.

I think it's time for a music coma now...

Wedded bliss...

I was a part of a wonderful wedding experience yesterday. It truly was filled with so much love and happiness. I had a great time from beginning to end. I had moments of being emotional through the night and I became intoxicated with it all. I wanted that feeling and that moment.

I'm not saying that I wanted the moment of the walking down the isle in a big pretty gown. In all honesty, I don't really care for that. IF I'm ever to have a wedding expierience I would opt for something small and intimate. No real bells and whistles. There is too much stress in planning a wedding and I feel that the real magic of it all gets robbed. That's just MY opinion. Every other girl can have their big weddings. I never wanted to be Cinderella.

I want the moments that I witnessed when everyone was able to relax. I saw love all around me and not just from the new bride and groom, but from all of the married couples there. And maybe it was just the nostalgia in the air that made them hold extra affection in their hearts, but I wanted that. Those stolen moments on the dance floor where the man would grab his wifes behind thinking that no one would notice. The exchange of their private love language in their eyes. YOu know, when you can just tell someone how you feel with a look, a fleeting glance. It was a beautiful thing to witness and I got lost in it.

I do want that, but not with the ignorance of thinking that love is always rainbows and butterflies. Love can be gruesome. It's two people trying to merge their life into one and isn't that kind of impossible? I mean, we as individuals are always learning and growing and changing. To find someone that is going to learn and grow and change at the same rate as you is near impossible. Loving someone takes an immense amount of patience, encouragement, and willingness to adapt. Let me clarify that I don't think we must really change who we are to love someone. That is not what I mean when I say, "willingness to adapt". Rather, I mean that you have to be willing to bend and be a support when the person you love is changing. It's an inevitable part of life. Who we are today won't be who we are in five years and if you're with someone, you shouldn't discourage that process. It's a balancing act.

Too often I think that people forget that and opt to throw in the towel when life gets thrown in the way of love. It's just easier to give up and do it on your own. I'm not saying that there are not times when you really should end a relationship. Especially if it is unhealthy. You should never stay in a relationship that depletes you of who you are or is abusive (verbally or physically). No, if you are in one of those types of relationships I would advise that you get out and run as fast as you can. You should learn how to really love yourself first and then you can open up your heart to letting someone else love you. But if you don't love yourself first chances are you will continue to allow unhealthy relationships into your life. You're better than that and you deserve more.

Anyways, before I get off on too much of a tangent regarding love. Last night made me really realize that I want that. I want the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want the stolen moments of butt grabs and secret love languages shared in a glance. And I want that knowing that it isn't always going to be easy. After all they do say, "nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy."

I love myself and I know what I deserve and I'm ready to let love in (when it's ready)...

When you give you begin to live...

So, I've been told that I give too much of myself. That I allow myself to be taken advantage of. That I'm too nice! I used to hear those things and take them as criticism. That it was a bad thing to be a giver. Not anymore.

The beautiful thing about growing up is that you learn a lot about yourself and eventually you accept who YOU are! Some people may take slightly longer to come to this point than others, but I like to think that we all (okay, maybe just most) get there! I don't always have my shit together and definitely have moments where I allow people to make me second guess myself or decisions. I think that is normal. Just a part of life and growing. But, for the most part I am who I am and I like it!

I enjoy doing things for other people. If I love and care about you, chances are I'm going to go out of my way to do things for you. That's just who I am. Do not mistake this acceptance of who I am for ignorance. I know full well that this characteristic invites the takers into my life. They can probably spot me a mile away. I know this! I'm still okay with it. Not because I'm okay with people taking advantage of my generosities, but because I know that I can tell when it becomes too much for me.

I'm a giver, but I'm also a very selfish individual. Sounds a little oxymoron-ish, I know. It's just that I have this ability to also tell when I'm giving too much of myself. When I need to retract and soak in some time for myself. I enjoy the shit out of "me time". I need it and I don't apologize for ignoring the outside world from time to time. It's that whole balance thing that you hear people saying you need in your life.

The other nice thing about me is, I can spot someone who is abusing my giving nature (okay, it may take some time to really see it) and I have no problems with cutting them out of my life.

Bottom line: I'd rather have people remembering me for my giving nature than being a heartless bitch.

Until the walls come crumbling down...

You may or may not have read in an earlier post that I have a boyfriend. Well, it's true...I do, and I'm officially in the second longest relationship of my life. 7 months with the first longest being 7 years. Huge difference, I know, but I took 7 years in between to reflect and figure out what makes ME happy (super important to do and some take longer than others)! Now, I did date during those 7 years of figuring myself out. Had a few people say that they were "in love" with me and had one person that started the process of opening this closed off heart of mine.

I'm happy in this relationship. Really, really happy! I'm falling head over heals. It's all so exciting and scary. Extremely scary. I haven't felt this kind of happines in a long time...or ever! It's delicious and intoxicating and terrifying.

One probably doesn't expect to see words like scary and terrifying when someone is describing how happy they are. However, I'm kind of a freak when emotions get involved. I was here before. Granted MUCH younger and in a very different place in my life, but I have done this investing of emotions deal before. I gave my all and then some and ultimately failed.

Now here is where I would tell someone that you should never give up on love. Just because it failed once or twice or 100 times, doesn't mean that you shouldn't try. You learn from each relationship and they help you grow. Well, you know what self, this is our heart we're talking about here and it is just not that simple. Actually, for some people it really is that simple. They fall in and out of love like they change their underwear (or at least like I hope they change their underwear...which is daily). That concept is so foreign to me and this heart of mine and I will likely never adapt to that, but kudos to them. For me, emotional love type feelings are a BIG DEAL!!!

So, here I am, entering into the world of emotions. Taking it one baby step at a time. Enjoying the happiness and trying to chip away at the walls that are keeping my heart so guarded. I know that I have to open up if I want this relationship to develop and grow. It isn't fair to him to remain emotionally guarded. He has had failed relationships and he doesn't seem to hold that against me. I should do the same for him. I just need to continue to give this little heart of mine some pep talks. Remind it that it has so much to give and offer and it is ok if it ends up breaking because it will mend...eventually.

I'm just scared of having to go through that process of healing again. It is god awful! Gut wrenching and painful, but I do know that you do come out on the other side. Stronger and with more wisdom. I'm also not saying that I think this relationship is destined for doom, but it's almost like it's too good to be true?! Like, how can I be so lucky!? One person can't have this much happiness wihtout something bad happening. Or, can they?

Clearly my little heart needs more pep talks. I am worthy of this happiness...this is what I keep telling myself. Because if I don't, I'm scared that I'll never really open up and share how I really feel and ruin a good thing. And really, that's more terrifying than expressing my feelings.

Heart, remember that...

Time to be a better sister...

I've stumbled upon a new AMAZING blog! Actually, that's a lie. No stumbling happened. The Madre actually informed me that I needed to read it. I've been obsessed with it ever since.

Please do yourself a favor and go find Momastery (I still have come no further in learning how to correctly blog on my ipad; therefore, no linking to said blog will be happening)! I don't think you will be sorry. We can all relate in one way or another. I've laughed and cried.

For me, this blog has really helped me relate to the sister. At least, I feel like maybe I kind of understand her a little bit better. The sister is a lost soul. A beautiful beautiful, but very lost soul. Due to this, she is floating through this life and doing everything possible to avoid reality.

It also made me feel like I am a shit sister. I'm doing it all wrong and this whole time I thought I was doing it right. I thought all of my tough love would wake her up. It won't. I am slowly realizing this. It does not mean that tough love will not continue. I think there will still be a need for it, but I think I need to step up my role as a support. As a true sister and less of a second mother to her (poor baby has always had two mama's).

The sister has a lot of our father in her. This is a scary reality! The father has a big heart and is a good person, but he is broken. Like the sister, he avoids reality and drowns his pain in wine. Big gallons of it (Carlo Rossi Blush to be exact and sometimes he reverts back to his liquor days). With each sip I'm certain he relaxes as all feelings begin to float away and numbness sets in. I believe that the sister does this in other ways. She won't really admit to it, but all signs are pointing in that general direction. The escape from reality route. The one where she doesn't have to grow up, face her fears, or take responsibility for her life. It's easy for her there in this bubble and it is maddening for those around her that love her.

I wish that I could fix the sister, but I know that she is going to have to figure this out on her own. All that I can really do is provide unconditional love and support. I will have to re-train my brain on how to do this for her. I think that I do a pretty good job at this for my friends. The just listening and giving sound advice when needed. Now I just need to apply this to the sister. Be her safe place because she needs that and she needs that from someone who loves her with an incomparable ferocity.

I'm just the girl for the job...

emotional rollercoaster (more like the demon drop...look it up)...

Isn't it crazy how quickly your emotions can change? Like a flip of the switch. One moment you are on cloud 9 and the next, you're curled up in the fetal position on the floor crying for your mommy. Most likely the switch in emotion is not that dramatic, but you catch my drift. I started my day off wonderfully. Entirelly too early, but it was pure bliss for my little heart. My boyfriend (yeah, I have one of those now...so much to catch up on)dropped off his daughter. He works early and I have offered to help out and take the morning duties of getting her ready and off to school (I'm nice). Anyways, that doesn't really matter, but I guess you kind of need a little back story. So, he lays her down and I get in bed hoping to sleep for at least another hour before we really have to be awake. Lil miss had a completely different agenda, but it was sweet and oh so loving and my heart took over my exhaustion. She wrapped her blanket around me (she shares) and put her little arms around my neck, inched up nose to nose, and whispered, "I love you Miss Brandy. I've missed you." Yep, I melted. Right there, just melted and fell even more in love with this little child. That moment. That quick two minutes carried me on cloud 9 for the majority of the day. Lifted my spirits so high, that nothing could burst it. I was wrong... A three minute phone conversation with the dad changed it all. Drug me off that cloud and threw me into a puddle of hurt. Hearing that slight slur in his speech with a hint of pain and anger behind every word (I didn't realize it was pain when I was younger, but I do now). With each of those words, I curled deeper and deeper inside of myself. Reverting back to the child who was so confused, scared, angry, and sad. Really really sad. So, to avoid letting him hear me get emotional I had to quickly get off the phone. That three minutes robbed me of my bliss. Which made me even more sad. It also made me sad because I'm now terrified of actually following through on the trip that I booked to see family in two weeks. It has been three years (or longer) since I have seen most of them. So, this is supposed to be a happy weekend of reuniting (also, it's pretty freaking sad that it's been three years since I've seen my dad and that it doesn't bother me and it's almost NORMAL) and now I'm fairly certain that it will involve many tears. Most visits with him do. I thought writing would help. It hasn't. Music induced coma it is! Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day...

Hiatus, much...

I can't believe that the last time I actually wrote anything was in APRIL! I guess I've been too busy living. But, I've missed this. This moment of reflection and baring a small piece of my soul for anyone who cares to take a peek.

I don't even know where to start with this post and I'm really hoping that my many thoughts and emotions don't leave me so tangled that I can't properly spread them out on this page.

Let's begin with something that has been weighing heavy on me: friendship. By definition it's a relationship between two people who hold mutual affection for each other. It sounds so simple and matter of fact and yet, it is so very complicated. Because people are so very complicated and this thing called "expectation" is bestowed upon the other individual (often times unknowingly). We believe that our friends should hold us in the highest regard and fight for us even when we are wrong. They should always be there when we need them. They should understand exactly how we feel and know exactly what to do or say to make it better (or at least try). And, when these demands aren't met, we secretly pout until it all becomes too much and blows up. Becomes something more than it really is and hurtful words are thrown at us like daggers. Ripping the friendship apart and you are left wondering if it is worth the effort it would take to build it back up. Friendship can be exhausting.

On the flip side, friendship is one of the most beautiful things to share. I, myself, am blessed with some of the most amazing women and consider them to be my soul sisters. They have been there for me in some of my darkest hours and have loved me regardless. They accept me for exactly who I am and that is a beautiful thing!

You're probably wondering where my initial rant came from if I have some amazing soul sisters?!? Well, I recently "lost" a friend and someone that I considered to be someone that I would have in my life forever. It all ended because she had a falling out with a mutual friend. She just doesn't think that our friendship can be the same because I am still friends with the other person. It all sounds silly and childish...and it kind of is!

The sad truth is, I care deeply about both of these people who are arguing. They both see this argument completely different and in their worlds they are both right, but lack of honest communication will continue to tear them apart. As a result, it means that one of them decided that she can't really continue the same kind of friendship that we once shared. All because I won't choose sides and I tried to listen to each of them and give encouragement to talk about how they are feeling.

So, that's how I lost a friend. By being a support to both of my friends. I was angry and hurt, but chalking this up as another lesson learned. Try your best and it may not be enough for someone. They may have set higher expectations for you than you realized. But, at the end of it all, if you can honestly say that you shared mutual affection and grew even a little bit from it, it's not a complete friendship lost. They just may not have been meant to share the rest of your story with you. Keep the good times in your heart and move on.

Exciting news! I have more I want to write. I think this means my writing block is gone (it's probably only a fleeting moment)! I must go now, but I WILL be back...

FEEL...

Feel the pain, feel the joy, until you feel you'll surely evaporate. Stop holding back from laughing with your belly, loving from the deepest places of your heart, swooning with the sensuality of life itself. Feel how good it feels to love another human...and if you're lucky, to be loved in return. Feel the warmth inside you when you do the right thing. Feel the fire that's ignited when someone tramples that which matters to you. When another's disregard or arrogance enrages you, feel the anger rise up and roar! Let your honest feelings come through, even the ones that make other people squirm. If you're not truly feelinng, you're not truly alive...you're just going through the motions and getting nothing in return.

I think that I truly feel with almost every aspect of my life. I allow myself to feel the raw emotions that life throws at you and I appreciate all of those moments because they allow you to grow and learn about yourself. There is one part of my life however, that I feel hits a brick wall. The feelings will begin to bubble to the surface and then...I just panic. I can't really describe it any other way.

These feelings that I'm talking about are those that revolve around "romantic" interactions with men. I came close to allowing myself to really feel something for someone two years ago, but I had this gnawing feeling in my gut that it just wasn't right. Something was missing even though I had developed some emotional attachment towards this individual. Cue meeting an individual a year ago and having this instant attraction. At that initial time events did not occur how I would have necessarily wanted them to and there was a portion of time where this person was not in my life in any way. Yet again I had this gnawing gut feeling, but this time it was knowing that this person was not out of my life forever. I knew that our paths would cross again. Those guts...they don't lie!

Flash forward to now and I was right or rather my gut was right! Our paths crossed again alright and events are happening in ways that I like. The problem now lies in the fact that I have feelings for this person. Feelings that I have surely never felt before and quite frankly, they scare the ever living daylights out of me!!! I guess that it is slightly okay that they are scary because anything worth while is a little bit scary at first...right? At least I think I read some inspirational quote that was along those lines.

Part of me feels that if I allow myself to really go there...to that place of letting the walls come crumbling down and open myself up to being "vulnerable", that things will change. That his feelings will change and this thing we have going will just stop. On the other hand, I know that if I don't share much of how I feel or show that I actually have emotions what we have going could stop and I could be left with regret of not really expressing myself. Such a conundrum that I am in!

I should probably just risk it. I do know that if you don't really try, you will never really know how it all could play out. Maybe feelings on his end would change and things would just stop. At least I would know that I put it out there and tried. Or maybe, just maybe, things could work out and I could allow myself to really feel and maybe even fall in that big L word.

One thing that I do know for certain about these feelings that are forming; it is pretty amazing with how far I have come from the insecure individual who was madly in love with the wrong person. How this time I am happy with who I am and what I have to offer. That I know if things don't work out the way I imagine them I know I will be sad, very sad and it will take time to heal, but my world won't fall apart. That I like exactly who he is and have no desire to change him (let's face it most women or even men enter a relationship type situation and think they can change the things they don't like...such fools).

Guess it's time to start pushing past the fear and tear down this wall. It may be brick by brick, but at least it will be progress..right? Baby steps...

Note THAT in your funnies...

The anticipated 50th birthday cruise was this past week! Actually, just arrived home from the trip today and it was a GREAT time and I'll def fill y'all in on the fun filled times, but today we are just going to recap the funnies. There were many moments that had the madre, sister, and myself full on belly laughing; however, I only wrote a few down. Most of these probably won't have the same affect on you, but hopefully you get a giggle.

Scenario: We just arrived on the ship and are sitting on the main deck by the pool waiting for some drinks...
Madre: Hey, I have an idea! (mind you we never heard what her idea was)
Me: you sound like Dora the Explorer.
Madre: I don't watch Dora...she speaks Spanish!!! (NOT because she's 50, but because she speaks Spanish...way to go Madre)

a few minutes later...
Madre: Is that the water taxi that takes you from Mt. Pleasant to Charleston? I thought they stopped that? I'd like to ride that!
Me: I bet you would like to ride that...you dirty girl!!!

Scenario: We finally have our drinks and the sister takes a sip of hers. Madre notices this disgusting look that the sister gets EVERY time that she takes a swig...which brings on a convo about a recent dr's visit with the sister and madre...
Madre: I just had the pleasure of being in a confined space with you while you were throwing up in every garbage possible.
Sister: my tummy doesn't like alcohol. That's probably why I gag when I drink.
Madre: yeah...you should think about not drinking.
Sister: But every other part of my body likes it!

Scenario: Madre and I are on the main deck/eating area and I'm in line getting some breakfast. Madre is patiently waiting and then approaches me...
Madre: the boys all like your milkshake on the block!
Me: What I think you meant to say is..."my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard". What even made you say that...all I'm doing is getting a bagel?
Madre: I saw that guy looking at your butt.

Scenario: sitting on the Serentity (adults only) deck and Madre is eating a banana...
Me: Do you think it's awkward to watch people eat a banana?
Madre: ummm no...not until you just said something.
Me: Eat that banana...put it in your mouth!!!
Madre...had a hard time finishing the banana after that

Scenario: we are at dinner and belly laughing really hard because of this mark that magically appeared on the madre's mouth half way through dinner (which we lovingly referred to as Herp)...
Sister: My abs hurt and I think it's because we are laughing so much.
Madre: that's pitiful! Notebook that Brandy!!!


Good times...

Keeping up with the 101...

So, I've pretty much been neglecting the blogging as of late. Not really because I don't have things to write, but more because every time that I go to write something, I hate it! I keep thinking that it's just a phase that I'm going through, but this "phase" seems to be lasting longer than I'd like. Anyways, tonight I'm not writing to tell you why I haven't been writing. Nope...I'm going to catch you up on my little 101 things I want to accomplish in 1001 days (which I've also been slacking on).

Let's recap the things that I actually have accomplished:

11) visit the dr. on the regular to get fiby under control...
For those of you who do not know what fiby is, it is my little nickname for this little condition I have called fibromyalgia. Short version is: I live in some level of pain every single day of my life. Longer version can be found on my blog under the "Dear Fiby" section.

So, I really dislike doctors and have always felt very uncomfortable sitting on the examining table while they fire out a million questions that I can never seem to answer. However, now that I'm blessed with fiby as my little side-kick for life, I figured that if I want to seriously start the journey of feeling better it may have to include a doctor. So, for the past 6 months now I have been visiting Dr. North and I really like her! She has tried me on a few different types of medication and now we have it narrowed down to an anti-seizure medicine (supposed to help with the whole "not being able to sleep" thing) and a muscle relaxer for days when it's really bad. Seems to be working.

27) be debt free...
This one I'm REALLY excited about!!! I finally did it...debt free baby!!! I highly recommend that everyone work towards this goal. The key is to be realistic about the goal and to set up a monthly budget plan and of course stick to it! If I can do this, I really think that just about anyone can accomplish this goal.

43) surprise madre with a vacation for her 50th...
I think that I was more excited about surprising the madre than she was about the surprise! Don't get me wrong...she loved it, but I was over the moon giddy for weeks about actually being able to do something really nice for her. She deserves it and so much more for being the amazing mother/woman that she is! I will be taking her and the sister (yeah, the sister got majorly lucky and got included on the deal) on a 5 day cruise to the Bahamas!!

I'm pretty proud of myself for how I surprised her with it as well! The sister and I went in together to buy her a nice set of knives (you seriously couldn't cut butter with the knives she had...okay, so you could cut butter, but you get the point) and put the itinerary in the box. I expected to just give her a phone call and talk to her about how excited she was when she opened the gift, but the Madre actually came to see me and have dinner! During dinner I was so excited to have her open the gift and couldn't stop talking about it. So, you can imagine her confusion when she opened the box of knives. Oddly, she was still confused when she opened the box and saw the itinerary. Her exact words, "What is this?". After the shock wore away, the excitement came out. Now we are counting down the days until March 28th when we will be cruising away to sunshine, beaches, and booze!

56) buy an Xbox...
I'm finally into the new world of gaming! Let's just say that my obsession with Dr. Mario has taken a serious backseat and I think he's pissed! I didn't even know that I would enjoy it as much as I do and thanks to an amazing individual, I've been able to borrow some games and see what I really like. So far my speed is more Fable 2 and less Gears of War.

OH, I almost forgot...I got the xbox 360/kinect bundle. It was supposed to come with some zumba game, but the store was completely out of it. I was able to bargain with the sales clerk and get the Dance Central 2 game for FREE! That game is 100% my speed and you can catch me "shaking what my momma gave me" frequently.

69) stretch every morning to help with fiby...
I have been doing this and in my mind I look like a drunk trying to do gymnastics on a bed. Now you're trying to imagine what that would look like...I hope you're getting a good laugh! Even though I probably look ridiculous, the stretching does seem to be helping!

There you have it...the 5 whole things that I've been able to cross off of the 101 things I'm holding myself to doing. Not really doing that great of a job at keeping up with that either! 89 more to go...

The ramblings of a muscle relaxer...

I'm going to begin with an apology! Why, you ask? Because, I have not one, but two muscle relaxers swimming in my bloodstream right now!

I don't typically like taking medicine,but when the pain is so bad that all you can think about is repeatedly stabbing yourself in the areas that the pain is worst...well, let's just say that the muscle relaxers were the lesser of the two evils.

I remember the first night that I took these bad boys. I was laying in bed and thinking that if someone broke into my house and tried to kill me, I would not even care. Which, really is kind of scary! I mean...totally amazing that my body isn't as in as much pain during the time, but scary that I'd let someone have a killing party.

So, the dreaded month is here. I would be perfectly okay with skipping over Febraury altogether, but unfortunately I don't have those kind of powers! Also, the reason that I dislike this month has nothing to do with the overrated holiday that is Valentine's Day. No...not that! The real reason I am not a fan is because for the past 7 years I have experienced some form of heartbreak. Mainly involving the death of people very close to me. It's as if there is some sort of curse on this month!

Okie dokie...the meds are kicking into high gear and I think that is my cue to stop! I can't wait for a day when I really get to write and it makes sense...

She needs me, she really needs me...

The sister came to town this weekend and what a great time we had! I think I will even dare to say that we are finally getting to that point where we are CLOSE. I've been praying for this day.

You see we have 7 years between us and the poor child grew up with two mothers. Her actual mother and then me, the wanna be mama! I wanted her to love me so much and look up to me that I probably suffocated her a little bit and therefore she was very distant. But, I'm not ashamed to realize where I am wrong in any type of relationship and I realize that if you want something to be different, YOU have to change YOUR behavior. So, I've been working on being less of a mama and more of the big sister. It can be tough because I want to lecture and sometimes smack the shit out of her, but I refrain. I have to remind myself that it is HER life and she will find her way. She is just a little lost at the moment.

So, she called me and told me that she needed to get away and wanted to come see ME!!! The girl reached out to me for probably the first time in her life and it put me on cloud 9. My baby needed her big sister and I was happy to oblige!

I look forward to her reaching out to me more often and building on this friendship that was started this weekend. HAPPY HEART :)

Happy heart...

Good Sunday morning to you!!

I love Sunday's; even though Sunday's are my last day before work and there is that little hint of sadness that the weekend is coming to an end. I just love the ever living daylights out of this day. I can't really explain why. I just do! Maybe because I feel this sense of peace and reflection on life and how glorious it all really is?!?

I woke up early this morning to take the pups that I'm pup sitting on long walks. It was wonderful! I soaked in all the beauty that is mother nature and took time to appreciate where I live. I am beyond blessed to live in such a beautiful place (if I could I would share the pics I took this morning...breath taking) and I often take it for granted. Which is sad and it made me realize that I need to wake up earlier on my weekends and take advantage of my surroundings.

My little heart is filled with so much happiness; to the point where it could burst! It really is the simple things that make this girl overcome with joy.

LIFE...it's just so fucking beautiful! Even those moments when you are faced with pain and sorrow because if you allow it, they teach you something and make you stronger. You will be able to appreciate all that is good in life so much more. I know that for me, I am grateful for all of my hardships because they have made me who I am today! I know that I am stronger because of those moments and I know that when I am faced with future struggles I will be able to fight through them and come out a better person.

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing!" ~ Agatha Christie...AMEN sista!

writers block is for the birds...

I finally got a wireless keyboard for my ipad!! Hopefully this means I'll be writing more...

Dear Brain,

I would like for you to stop over analyzing every single word that you begin to write down. Stop criticizing each thought that leaves your fingertips and just let it flow. The genuine thoughts are what make the words real and relatable to whomever may happen upon this blog and you weren't doing it for them in the first place!

Now let's get back to doing what we really love and WRITE!! Something...anything...feel your thoughts and put it down. You've got to crack the block somehow.

Sincerely,

Your one and only

Dear Fiby...

Thank you for being a bitch and deciding to have a flare up! I appreciate how just when I'm starting to feel "good" you start throwing a tantrum. Heaven forbid I actually feel good!

You're also playing a big part on making it difficult to actually write. You're just a jealous freak that can't let me enjoy one of the things I like most (mental note...need to get wireless keypad for iPad to make it easier on me).

Also, you make my brain go to a crazy place (as well as make me very forgetful) where all I can think about is painful ways to ease my pain. Like I could really go for someone breaking me into a million pieces or you know at the least a really good deep tissue massage.

Hopefully, I'll have a decent day soon and one where I'm not over-analyzing my writing so that I can actually get back to it...

Another one bites the dust...

Let's add another failed miserable attempt to some resemblance of a "relationship" to my list. I'm sad and I'm not really sure if I'm sad because it didn't work with him or if because it just didn't work? I'm going to say more of the "it just didn't work", but that's not to say that I won't miss him! I will! But, I think we want different things and I don't think we had much of a future. Plus, he was happy with it not being a committed relationship.

Which got me thinking, what is a relationship? I mean I technically haven't been in one for five years and it was a long distance one that was short lived. Which puts me back at six years since my last real relationship and I was SO young at that time. I don't really know the rules anymore.

I just know that I was starting to become unhappy with continuing on the same path. I want to be with someone who really wants to be with me. He said he didn't really want a relationship and was happy with how things were. That he was still dealing with issues from his past relationship that has made him guarded. Which to me all translated to "im just not that into you"! But, I also have my issues like not being able to talk about my feelings without becoming paralyzed with fear. When those talks start I begin to close up and panic! I expect that the way I act is going to let someone know how I feel about things, but I do know with men they need to be told. They are not really known for picking up on moods. So, it was my bad for expecting something different when I couldn't even tell him what I wanted.

I'll just add this to my list of lessons learned! I'm just ready for a guy to come into my life who really wants to be in it. Also, the next time I hear a guy tell me he "isn't ready for a relationship" I'm going to run...