Numb...

Have you ever been so sad that you're completely numb to emotions? It's an odd feeling because you're not really feeling anything. Or maybe it's that you're feeling entirely too much and your body doesn't know how to process it. I have moments where I feel a tidal wave of sadness and I almost stop breathing. Then it is right back to this void. I don't think that my brain is quite ready to process it all. It's just too much.

I've learned a very valuable lesson. You have to trust your gut instinct. If something in the pit of your stomach tells you something isn't right, it usually isn't. Don't ignore it or run from it in fear of sounding crazy. Chances are, you have a very valid reason for feeling that way. Just remember that when you do question it, you have to be willing to hear the truth. It may hurt. It may hurt right down to the core and leave you spinning and wanting to vomit all over the place. But, you won't. You'll just feel that way.

I believe that once you're faced with a challenge, you have two choices. Let it completely consume you and make you miserable. Or, learn to grow from it. Sure, you will probably go through the emotional stages and that is normal and healthy, but you can't dwell in them. Experience them, learn from them, and move on from them. It's really the healthiest for your sanity. Living in the past won't change the event.

I'm confindent that I will come out of this even stronger. I am just in the healing phase.

This too shall pass...

Dear Self,

You have a lot of things that are rolling around in that pretty head of yours (yes, I called myself pretty...get over it). You have the ability to begin these conversations that you are so afraid to have. Remind me again, why are you afraid? Oh yeah, because you're allowing your past to hold some control of your present and you're fearing the unknown. I thought we have been over this before! THAT.IS.NOT.COOL!

Listen to your gut. Pay attention to it and don't let your heart or silly thoughts mess with what it tells you. Ask your friends for advice, but don't let them completely control how YOU feel it is best to go about bringing these topics up. Maybe you don't play by these dating rules that people tell you about. Maybe you think those rules are completely silly because all you know is how to speak from the heart and be honest. That's OKAY! Maybe being completely honest and speaking from your heart will scare people away, but that just means they weren't supposed to be in your life in the first place.

I know all of the above is terrifying to you! Emotions are scary, but they are also so very wonderful. You know how to love and you know how to love with all of your heart. You deserve the very same in return. The thing is, you feel it. Truly feel it. When he tells you he loves you or that you're beautiful, you believe every single drop of those words. He makes you feel special and you find all of these little things that he does so very amazing! Let's be honest, it doesn't take much to make you happy. The wonderful thing is, you found someone who just knows all of these little ways of making your heart do somersaults.

The very scary reality of all of these amazing feelings of love is you don't really know if you're on the same path. Do you both want similar things for your future? You aren't getting any younger and there are things that you want in your future life. Things you deserve to have! And here you have found this person who makes you so happy, but there is a real possibility that he may not want the same things as you. That scares you. No, it terrifies you and makes you avoid those necessary conversations even more. Why? Because you've had to play the really strong logical person time and time again in the past and make those hard decisions. You don't really want to have to be that person again (who are you kidding, you're always going to be that person). But, the thing is, you won't know if you have to be that person if you don't start having these conversations. Isn't it better to find out sooner rather than a couple years down the road when frustration sets in?

Communication is key. Fear is stupid. You don't know anything until you really start talking. Just follow your gut. Listen to it and let it guide you. So what if you don't play by the dating rules/books!? Do what you know best and be you. If that scares him off then he wasn't meant for you in the first place. Hell, it's not like you want anything super serious tomorrow. That scares you as well, but you want to know if there is a possibility for that to grow. You deserve to know that.

You can do this. Let go of your past, let go of your fear, and speak your truth!

Mushin' it up...

For people who really know me, they know that I am just one big sentimental sap, mixed with some sarcasm, and a hint of bitch (doesn't really come out unless heat is added). It's true. I can be caught mushing it up on pretty much a daily basis with those closest to me.

That being said, my grateful heart has been overflowin' as of late. This sentimental sap is in overdrive. I just have these moments where it feels like these grateful moments are suffocating me. It's all because I'm at a place in my life where I am really happy with who I am and what I have to offer. I realize I'm not for everyone, but it's not about aiming to please others. It's about being you and letting the people who WANT to be there, be in your life. Those other jerks can use the nearest exit.

I have some amazing people in my life and I don't think that you can ever tell someone enough just how appreciated they are. So, I have been trying to do that. Share my thanks for what they offer my life and the joy that they add to it. I'm sure that some of them are thinking, "Enough already! I get it. You're grateful. You love me. You appreciate me. You told me that ten times yesterday!". Ok, so I'm not THAT bad, but I've been feeling it that much.

I think back on all of the struggles that this life has faced me with. The really down times, where I had almost no faith in myself. The moments where I was a hot mess and my life was close to a big blur. Those moments have made this time in my life that much more AMAZING! I'm in awe of my blessings. I really have no idea how I deserve this life, but I couldn't be more thankful for it!

For the people who love me, who have believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself, who gave me the hard wake up calls that I needed, and who were a support system: THANK YOU for loving me for me, even at some of my worst moments! For the newer loves in my life: thank you for making life that much sweeter and opening my heart up in a way that I didn't think would ever happen again!!!

Mush fest over, for now...

It's been real...

Another year has come and gone. People weren't lieing when they said the older you get, the faster time goes. It's true, life hits fast forward and kind of gets stuck there. Just another reminder to live in the moment and make the most of each and every day we are given.

I have to say that 2012 was quite good to me! Of course there were some challenging and heartbreaking moments, but I think that is just par for the course. As an overall reflection of my year though, it was easily one of the best!

New friends were made, old friendships grew stronger, and learned the lesson that sometimes it is just best to walk away from some. I was witness to some beautiful loving moments as more and more people I know are getting married or engaged. I watched my soul sister grow more into the person that she is and am beyond proud of her growth over this past year and thankful that she trusted me to be her someone to lean on! However, the real highlight for me was falling in love with one amazing person!!

I've been truly blessed with some amazing people in my life and this past year was such a strong affirmation of that! Thankful is just a scratch at the surface to how I feel. Not sure how I got so lucky...

Happy New Year!!