She needs me, she really needs me...

The sister came to town this weekend and what a great time we had! I think I will even dare to say that we are finally getting to that point where we are CLOSE. I've been praying for this day.

You see we have 7 years between us and the poor child grew up with two mothers. Her actual mother and then me, the wanna be mama! I wanted her to love me so much and look up to me that I probably suffocated her a little bit and therefore she was very distant. But, I'm not ashamed to realize where I am wrong in any type of relationship and I realize that if you want something to be different, YOU have to change YOUR behavior. So, I've been working on being less of a mama and more of the big sister. It can be tough because I want to lecture and sometimes smack the shit out of her, but I refrain. I have to remind myself that it is HER life and she will find her way. She is just a little lost at the moment.

So, she called me and told me that she needed to get away and wanted to come see ME!!! The girl reached out to me for probably the first time in her life and it put me on cloud 9. My baby needed her big sister and I was happy to oblige!

I look forward to her reaching out to me more often and building on this friendship that was started this weekend. HAPPY HEART :)

Happy heart...

Good Sunday morning to you!!

I love Sunday's; even though Sunday's are my last day before work and there is that little hint of sadness that the weekend is coming to an end. I just love the ever living daylights out of this day. I can't really explain why. I just do! Maybe because I feel this sense of peace and reflection on life and how glorious it all really is?!?

I woke up early this morning to take the pups that I'm pup sitting on long walks. It was wonderful! I soaked in all the beauty that is mother nature and took time to appreciate where I live. I am beyond blessed to live in such a beautiful place (if I could I would share the pics I took this morning...breath taking) and I often take it for granted. Which is sad and it made me realize that I need to wake up earlier on my weekends and take advantage of my surroundings.

My little heart is filled with so much happiness; to the point where it could burst! It really is the simple things that make this girl overcome with joy.

LIFE...it's just so fucking beautiful! Even those moments when you are faced with pain and sorrow because if you allow it, they teach you something and make you stronger. You will be able to appreciate all that is good in life so much more. I know that for me, I am grateful for all of my hardships because they have made me who I am today! I know that I am stronger because of those moments and I know that when I am faced with future struggles I will be able to fight through them and come out a better person.

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing!" ~ Agatha Christie...AMEN sista!

writers block is for the birds...

I finally got a wireless keyboard for my ipad!! Hopefully this means I'll be writing more...

Dear Brain,

I would like for you to stop over analyzing every single word that you begin to write down. Stop criticizing each thought that leaves your fingertips and just let it flow. The genuine thoughts are what make the words real and relatable to whomever may happen upon this blog and you weren't doing it for them in the first place!

Now let's get back to doing what we really love and WRITE!! Something...anything...feel your thoughts and put it down. You've got to crack the block somehow.

Sincerely,

Your one and only

Dear Fiby...

Thank you for being a bitch and deciding to have a flare up! I appreciate how just when I'm starting to feel "good" you start throwing a tantrum. Heaven forbid I actually feel good!

You're also playing a big part on making it difficult to actually write. You're just a jealous freak that can't let me enjoy one of the things I like most (mental note...need to get wireless keypad for iPad to make it easier on me).

Also, you make my brain go to a crazy place (as well as make me very forgetful) where all I can think about is painful ways to ease my pain. Like I could really go for someone breaking me into a million pieces or you know at the least a really good deep tissue massage.

Hopefully, I'll have a decent day soon and one where I'm not over-analyzing my writing so that I can actually get back to it...

Another one bites the dust...

Let's add another failed miserable attempt to some resemblance of a "relationship" to my list. I'm sad and I'm not really sure if I'm sad because it didn't work with him or if because it just didn't work? I'm going to say more of the "it just didn't work", but that's not to say that I won't miss him! I will! But, I think we want different things and I don't think we had much of a future. Plus, he was happy with it not being a committed relationship.

Which got me thinking, what is a relationship? I mean I technically haven't been in one for five years and it was a long distance one that was short lived. Which puts me back at six years since my last real relationship and I was SO young at that time. I don't really know the rules anymore.

I just know that I was starting to become unhappy with continuing on the same path. I want to be with someone who really wants to be with me. He said he didn't really want a relationship and was happy with how things were. That he was still dealing with issues from his past relationship that has made him guarded. Which to me all translated to "im just not that into you"! But, I also have my issues like not being able to talk about my feelings without becoming paralyzed with fear. When those talks start I begin to close up and panic! I expect that the way I act is going to let someone know how I feel about things, but I do know with men they need to be told. They are not really known for picking up on moods. So, it was my bad for expecting something different when I couldn't even tell him what I wanted.

I'll just add this to my list of lessons learned! I'm just ready for a guy to come into my life who really wants to be in it. Also, the next time I hear a guy tell me he "isn't ready for a relationship" I'm going to run...