Feel deep down inside the pain of missing someone or something so badly it hurts. Notice the empty spaces between your heart that need filling. Tune into other aches in your body when your belly burns with red hot fire, pay attention. What is the source of your ache? What are you trying to digest that is too large, too hot, too unfamiliar to handle. Ache for the mothering you never got, the love you had and then lost, the love you never had at all. Ache to be touched, loved, adored. Ache for the sad woman down the block, the frightened child upstairs., the grieving parents around the corner. Let your heart ache and break and ache again - until it grows stronger and more able to open with ease.
It's been a little over a week since the revelation. A little over a week since my sanity and I were one. I have managed to hold together some form of composure in public quite well; all the while, inside my world is spinning. My emotions fluctuate by the hour, but the majority of the time I feel a little bit crazy and a lot a bit sad. Now, I have had a few days where I actually felt like I was climbing back onto solid ground for the majority of the day. Then you have the ones where you are enjoying a nice sunny afternoon with friends and one wrong word opens the flood gates. You play it off and place the blame on the bottles of bubbly you've been sharing and pray that they don't ask anymore questions, because there is just no way that you can explain.
I know this is all part of the healing process. I do. And, I know that I have to go through this so that I can come out stronger on the other side. I just can't seem to get past the fact that I think maybe I should be over it by now. I like to think that I'm a pretty strong individual, but I have to get over those notions. I have to just accept that this hit me pretty hard and allow myself to feel these things wihtout putting a time limit on how long they should last. I'm just not good at feeling out of control.
So, I will just keep on trying to allow myself this time of healing. Try to remind myself that there isn't a target date for when I'll be "over it". Just take each day as it is and I'm certain that one day this will be a distant memory.
One thing I know for certain at this moment in time is that doubt is a bitch. A really big bitch and she fucks with you.
Listening to music as I write and these lyrics practically slapped me... "Where is the final battle fought upon for my soul to see? Where all the ways to break me, they give up on me and all the ways to live, they come to rescue me."
