Wedded bliss...

I was a part of a wonderful wedding experience yesterday. It truly was filled with so much love and happiness. I had a great time from beginning to end. I had moments of being emotional through the night and I became intoxicated with it all. I wanted that feeling and that moment.

I'm not saying that I wanted the moment of the walking down the isle in a big pretty gown. In all honesty, I don't really care for that. IF I'm ever to have a wedding expierience I would opt for something small and intimate. No real bells and whistles. There is too much stress in planning a wedding and I feel that the real magic of it all gets robbed. That's just MY opinion. Every other girl can have their big weddings. I never wanted to be Cinderella.

I want the moments that I witnessed when everyone was able to relax. I saw love all around me and not just from the new bride and groom, but from all of the married couples there. And maybe it was just the nostalgia in the air that made them hold extra affection in their hearts, but I wanted that. Those stolen moments on the dance floor where the man would grab his wifes behind thinking that no one would notice. The exchange of their private love language in their eyes. YOu know, when you can just tell someone how you feel with a look, a fleeting glance. It was a beautiful thing to witness and I got lost in it.

I do want that, but not with the ignorance of thinking that love is always rainbows and butterflies. Love can be gruesome. It's two people trying to merge their life into one and isn't that kind of impossible? I mean, we as individuals are always learning and growing and changing. To find someone that is going to learn and grow and change at the same rate as you is near impossible. Loving someone takes an immense amount of patience, encouragement, and willingness to adapt. Let me clarify that I don't think we must really change who we are to love someone. That is not what I mean when I say, "willingness to adapt". Rather, I mean that you have to be willing to bend and be a support when the person you love is changing. It's an inevitable part of life. Who we are today won't be who we are in five years and if you're with someone, you shouldn't discourage that process. It's a balancing act.

Too often I think that people forget that and opt to throw in the towel when life gets thrown in the way of love. It's just easier to give up and do it on your own. I'm not saying that there are not times when you really should end a relationship. Especially if it is unhealthy. You should never stay in a relationship that depletes you of who you are or is abusive (verbally or physically). No, if you are in one of those types of relationships I would advise that you get out and run as fast as you can. You should learn how to really love yourself first and then you can open up your heart to letting someone else love you. But if you don't love yourself first chances are you will continue to allow unhealthy relationships into your life. You're better than that and you deserve more.

Anyways, before I get off on too much of a tangent regarding love. Last night made me really realize that I want that. I want the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want the stolen moments of butt grabs and secret love languages shared in a glance. And I want that knowing that it isn't always going to be easy. After all they do say, "nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy."

I love myself and I know what I deserve and I'm ready to let love in (when it's ready)...

When you give you begin to live...

So, I've been told that I give too much of myself. That I allow myself to be taken advantage of. That I'm too nice! I used to hear those things and take them as criticism. That it was a bad thing to be a giver. Not anymore.

The beautiful thing about growing up is that you learn a lot about yourself and eventually you accept who YOU are! Some people may take slightly longer to come to this point than others, but I like to think that we all (okay, maybe just most) get there! I don't always have my shit together and definitely have moments where I allow people to make me second guess myself or decisions. I think that is normal. Just a part of life and growing. But, for the most part I am who I am and I like it!

I enjoy doing things for other people. If I love and care about you, chances are I'm going to go out of my way to do things for you. That's just who I am. Do not mistake this acceptance of who I am for ignorance. I know full well that this characteristic invites the takers into my life. They can probably spot me a mile away. I know this! I'm still okay with it. Not because I'm okay with people taking advantage of my generosities, but because I know that I can tell when it becomes too much for me.

I'm a giver, but I'm also a very selfish individual. Sounds a little oxymoron-ish, I know. It's just that I have this ability to also tell when I'm giving too much of myself. When I need to retract and soak in some time for myself. I enjoy the shit out of "me time". I need it and I don't apologize for ignoring the outside world from time to time. It's that whole balance thing that you hear people saying you need in your life.

The other nice thing about me is, I can spot someone who is abusing my giving nature (okay, it may take some time to really see it) and I have no problems with cutting them out of my life.

Bottom line: I'd rather have people remembering me for my giving nature than being a heartless bitch.

Until the walls come crumbling down...

You may or may not have read in an earlier post that I have a boyfriend. Well, it's true...I do, and I'm officially in the second longest relationship of my life. 7 months with the first longest being 7 years. Huge difference, I know, but I took 7 years in between to reflect and figure out what makes ME happy (super important to do and some take longer than others)! Now, I did date during those 7 years of figuring myself out. Had a few people say that they were "in love" with me and had one person that started the process of opening this closed off heart of mine.

I'm happy in this relationship. Really, really happy! I'm falling head over heals. It's all so exciting and scary. Extremely scary. I haven't felt this kind of happines in a long time...or ever! It's delicious and intoxicating and terrifying.

One probably doesn't expect to see words like scary and terrifying when someone is describing how happy they are. However, I'm kind of a freak when emotions get involved. I was here before. Granted MUCH younger and in a very different place in my life, but I have done this investing of emotions deal before. I gave my all and then some and ultimately failed.

Now here is where I would tell someone that you should never give up on love. Just because it failed once or twice or 100 times, doesn't mean that you shouldn't try. You learn from each relationship and they help you grow. Well, you know what self, this is our heart we're talking about here and it is just not that simple. Actually, for some people it really is that simple. They fall in and out of love like they change their underwear (or at least like I hope they change their underwear...which is daily). That concept is so foreign to me and this heart of mine and I will likely never adapt to that, but kudos to them. For me, emotional love type feelings are a BIG DEAL!!!

So, here I am, entering into the world of emotions. Taking it one baby step at a time. Enjoying the happiness and trying to chip away at the walls that are keeping my heart so guarded. I know that I have to open up if I want this relationship to develop and grow. It isn't fair to him to remain emotionally guarded. He has had failed relationships and he doesn't seem to hold that against me. I should do the same for him. I just need to continue to give this little heart of mine some pep talks. Remind it that it has so much to give and offer and it is ok if it ends up breaking because it will mend...eventually.

I'm just scared of having to go through that process of healing again. It is god awful! Gut wrenching and painful, but I do know that you do come out on the other side. Stronger and with more wisdom. I'm also not saying that I think this relationship is destined for doom, but it's almost like it's too good to be true?! Like, how can I be so lucky!? One person can't have this much happiness wihtout something bad happening. Or, can they?

Clearly my little heart needs more pep talks. I am worthy of this happiness...this is what I keep telling myself. Because if I don't, I'm scared that I'll never really open up and share how I really feel and ruin a good thing. And really, that's more terrifying than expressing my feelings.

Heart, remember that...