You may or may not have read in an earlier post that I have a boyfriend. Well, it's true...I do, and I'm officially in the second longest relationship of my life. 7 months with the first longest being 7 years. Huge difference, I know, but I took 7 years in between to reflect and figure out what makes ME happy (super important to do and some take longer than others)! Now, I did date during those 7 years of figuring myself out. Had a few people say that they were "in love" with me and had one person that started the process of opening this closed off heart of mine.
I'm happy in this relationship. Really, really happy! I'm falling head over heals. It's all so exciting and scary. Extremely scary. I haven't felt this kind of happines in a long time...or ever! It's delicious and intoxicating and terrifying.
One probably doesn't expect to see words like scary and terrifying when someone is describing how happy they are. However, I'm kind of a freak when emotions get involved. I was here before. Granted MUCH younger and in a very different place in my life, but I have done this investing of emotions deal before. I gave my all and then some and ultimately failed.
Now here is where I would tell someone that you should never give up on love. Just because it failed once or twice or 100 times, doesn't mean that you shouldn't try. You learn from each relationship and they help you grow. Well, you know what self, this is our heart we're talking about here and it is just not that simple. Actually, for some people it really is that simple. They fall in and out of love like they change their underwear (or at least like I hope they change their underwear...which is daily). That concept is so foreign to me and this heart of mine and I will likely never adapt to that, but kudos to them. For me, emotional love type feelings are a BIG DEAL!!!
So, here I am, entering into the world of emotions. Taking it one baby step at a time. Enjoying the happiness and trying to chip away at the walls that are keeping my heart so guarded. I know that I have to open up if I want this relationship to develop and grow. It isn't fair to him to remain emotionally guarded. He has had failed relationships and he doesn't seem to hold that against me. I should do the same for him. I just need to continue to give this little heart of mine some pep talks. Remind it that it has so much to give and offer and it is ok if it ends up breaking because it will mend...eventually.
I'm just scared of having to go through that process of healing again. It is god awful! Gut wrenching and painful, but I do know that you do come out on the other side. Stronger and with more wisdom. I'm also not saying that I think this relationship is destined for doom, but it's almost like it's too good to be true?! Like, how can I be so lucky!? One person can't have this much happiness wihtout something bad happening. Or, can they?
Clearly my little heart needs more pep talks. I am worthy of this happiness...this is what I keep telling myself. Because if I don't, I'm scared that I'll never really open up and share how I really feel and ruin a good thing. And really, that's more terrifying than expressing my feelings.
Heart, remember that...
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