Time to be a better sister...

I've stumbled upon a new AMAZING blog! Actually, that's a lie. No stumbling happened. The Madre actually informed me that I needed to read it. I've been obsessed with it ever since.

Please do yourself a favor and go find Momastery (I still have come no further in learning how to correctly blog on my ipad; therefore, no linking to said blog will be happening)! I don't think you will be sorry. We can all relate in one way or another. I've laughed and cried.

For me, this blog has really helped me relate to the sister. At least, I feel like maybe I kind of understand her a little bit better. The sister is a lost soul. A beautiful beautiful, but very lost soul. Due to this, she is floating through this life and doing everything possible to avoid reality.

It also made me feel like I am a shit sister. I'm doing it all wrong and this whole time I thought I was doing it right. I thought all of my tough love would wake her up. It won't. I am slowly realizing this. It does not mean that tough love will not continue. I think there will still be a need for it, but I think I need to step up my role as a support. As a true sister and less of a second mother to her (poor baby has always had two mama's).

The sister has a lot of our father in her. This is a scary reality! The father has a big heart and is a good person, but he is broken. Like the sister, he avoids reality and drowns his pain in wine. Big gallons of it (Carlo Rossi Blush to be exact and sometimes he reverts back to his liquor days). With each sip I'm certain he relaxes as all feelings begin to float away and numbness sets in. I believe that the sister does this in other ways. She won't really admit to it, but all signs are pointing in that general direction. The escape from reality route. The one where she doesn't have to grow up, face her fears, or take responsibility for her life. It's easy for her there in this bubble and it is maddening for those around her that love her.

I wish that I could fix the sister, but I know that she is going to have to figure this out on her own. All that I can really do is provide unconditional love and support. I will have to re-train my brain on how to do this for her. I think that I do a pretty good job at this for my friends. The just listening and giving sound advice when needed. Now I just need to apply this to the sister. Be her safe place because she needs that and she needs that from someone who loves her with an incomparable ferocity.

I'm just the girl for the job...

emotional rollercoaster (more like the demon drop...look it up)...

Isn't it crazy how quickly your emotions can change? Like a flip of the switch. One moment you are on cloud 9 and the next, you're curled up in the fetal position on the floor crying for your mommy. Most likely the switch in emotion is not that dramatic, but you catch my drift. I started my day off wonderfully. Entirelly too early, but it was pure bliss for my little heart. My boyfriend (yeah, I have one of those now...so much to catch up on)dropped off his daughter. He works early and I have offered to help out and take the morning duties of getting her ready and off to school (I'm nice). Anyways, that doesn't really matter, but I guess you kind of need a little back story. So, he lays her down and I get in bed hoping to sleep for at least another hour before we really have to be awake. Lil miss had a completely different agenda, but it was sweet and oh so loving and my heart took over my exhaustion. She wrapped her blanket around me (she shares) and put her little arms around my neck, inched up nose to nose, and whispered, "I love you Miss Brandy. I've missed you." Yep, I melted. Right there, just melted and fell even more in love with this little child. That moment. That quick two minutes carried me on cloud 9 for the majority of the day. Lifted my spirits so high, that nothing could burst it. I was wrong... A three minute phone conversation with the dad changed it all. Drug me off that cloud and threw me into a puddle of hurt. Hearing that slight slur in his speech with a hint of pain and anger behind every word (I didn't realize it was pain when I was younger, but I do now). With each of those words, I curled deeper and deeper inside of myself. Reverting back to the child who was so confused, scared, angry, and sad. Really really sad. So, to avoid letting him hear me get emotional I had to quickly get off the phone. That three minutes robbed me of my bliss. Which made me even more sad. It also made me sad because I'm now terrified of actually following through on the trip that I booked to see family in two weeks. It has been three years (or longer) since I have seen most of them. So, this is supposed to be a happy weekend of reuniting (also, it's pretty freaking sad that it's been three years since I've seen my dad and that it doesn't bother me and it's almost NORMAL) and now I'm fairly certain that it will involve many tears. Most visits with him do. I thought writing would help. It hasn't. Music induced coma it is! Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day...

Hiatus, much...

I can't believe that the last time I actually wrote anything was in APRIL! I guess I've been too busy living. But, I've missed this. This moment of reflection and baring a small piece of my soul for anyone who cares to take a peek.

I don't even know where to start with this post and I'm really hoping that my many thoughts and emotions don't leave me so tangled that I can't properly spread them out on this page.

Let's begin with something that has been weighing heavy on me: friendship. By definition it's a relationship between two people who hold mutual affection for each other. It sounds so simple and matter of fact and yet, it is so very complicated. Because people are so very complicated and this thing called "expectation" is bestowed upon the other individual (often times unknowingly). We believe that our friends should hold us in the highest regard and fight for us even when we are wrong. They should always be there when we need them. They should understand exactly how we feel and know exactly what to do or say to make it better (or at least try). And, when these demands aren't met, we secretly pout until it all becomes too much and blows up. Becomes something more than it really is and hurtful words are thrown at us like daggers. Ripping the friendship apart and you are left wondering if it is worth the effort it would take to build it back up. Friendship can be exhausting.

On the flip side, friendship is one of the most beautiful things to share. I, myself, am blessed with some of the most amazing women and consider them to be my soul sisters. They have been there for me in some of my darkest hours and have loved me regardless. They accept me for exactly who I am and that is a beautiful thing!

You're probably wondering where my initial rant came from if I have some amazing soul sisters?!? Well, I recently "lost" a friend and someone that I considered to be someone that I would have in my life forever. It all ended because she had a falling out with a mutual friend. She just doesn't think that our friendship can be the same because I am still friends with the other person. It all sounds silly and childish...and it kind of is!

The sad truth is, I care deeply about both of these people who are arguing. They both see this argument completely different and in their worlds they are both right, but lack of honest communication will continue to tear them apart. As a result, it means that one of them decided that she can't really continue the same kind of friendship that we once shared. All because I won't choose sides and I tried to listen to each of them and give encouragement to talk about how they are feeling.

So, that's how I lost a friend. By being a support to both of my friends. I was angry and hurt, but chalking this up as another lesson learned. Try your best and it may not be enough for someone. They may have set higher expectations for you than you realized. But, at the end of it all, if you can honestly say that you shared mutual affection and grew even a little bit from it, it's not a complete friendship lost. They just may not have been meant to share the rest of your story with you. Keep the good times in your heart and move on.

Exciting news! I have more I want to write. I think this means my writing block is gone (it's probably only a fleeting moment)! I must go now, but I WILL be back...