Managing the beasts...

It has been over a month since my last entry. Again, not for lack of things to write. In fact, there have been so many events that have happened. So many different emotions that are swirling around. So many moments where I have wanted to come running to my keyboard and just let it all pour out. But, then life happens and I allow things to get in the way of my time to have this moment of release. Doubts set it and parts of me doesn't want to share too much. So, I may type a few sentences and then delete my efforts, put my keyboard away, and lay down with hopes that I'll find the time and mood to write the next day.

I have started a new journey in my life. A journey to conquer my beasts that are stress and anxiety. These beasts play into the agony of fiby and after a particularly rough weekend both mentally and physically, I had this burning desire to change it. It was the push I needed to start doing something for myself. One would think the natural thing to do would call up the doctor and start popping some pills to manage these demons. However, I have a strong dislike for doctors and for taking medicine. NOT that I do not believe that there are legitmate times when both are needed. They very much are, but I know myself and I know that is not what is best for me. Not until I exhaust every other natural option that there is.

So on the Monday after the very exhausting weekend, I consulted the "book of knowledge" as my boyfriend likes to call it (that would be google). I searched for therapists in my surrounding area and came up with at least 15 to choose from. Most of which I quickly glanced over and made the quick assumption that they were not for me. Then, I happened upon the lady that I am currently seeing. There was something about the quick blurb about her practice that caught my eye and made me look into her practice a little further. So I visited her website and read about hypnotherapy and decided this was something that I really wanted to try. It is a bit uncovnentional and not something that I would have went searching for on my own, but I felt a pull towards this type of therapy. I think life has a way of doing that. Pulling you where you need to go.

I emailed her that same day and expressed what I was looking to gain from this. Guidence and tools that I can use to better manage my stress and anxiety. I gave a quick description of what is currently going on in my life that lead me to searching for this tool. She called me that afternoon and we had a great 15 minute conversation. Have you ever had moments where you met someone and felt an instant connection in one form or another? That is what it felt like talking with her. I felt comfortable and open and at complete ease. I left the conversation excited and eager to finally meet her and see what this could do for me.

I am not new to therapy. I have tried this route in my early adulthood and I can't say that it was the best or worst thing that I have ever done. I just knew that I wasn't looking to just sit in someones office and spill my insides out and have them nod and listen and give me a line. I wanted someone who would make me do some soul searching. Put a little work into this because I know that the healing of my life will come from me. I have to do the hard work. It is just nice to have someone who can guide you and give you the tools to do so. I am happy to say that this is what I am getting with my hypnotherapist.

I am learning to manage stress and anxiety. I am learning to better communicate my feelings and what is important to me. To not push them aside in fear of them being a burden to others. Which has been a source of relief and has allowed me to communicate on a different level. I know that I still have work ahead of me, but it has been an empowering experience and one I'm happy to share with anyone who cares to actually read this.

When it comes to your emotional well being, I don't think that anyone should be ashamed of what they do to better the person that they are. There is a negative connotation that usually goes along with therapy, but I don't believe that it shows weakness in someone. I think quite the opposite. It takes great courage to meet with someone and actively work on bettering yourself. I will acknowledge that it may not be for everyone, but if you are toying with the idea I suggest you do some research of the therapists in your area and the methods they use and just try it.

"Everything that happens is meant to help move you into your greater self."

LIfe's Challenge...

"When we least expect if, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait, Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide wheter or not to accept our destiny."

Every single person is going to be faced with a challenge in their life. There is no escaping it! They will present themselves in different shapes and sizes and at a moments notice. They will show up at your doorstep the moment that you feel like things are finally settling down and making sense. They will shove their way through the door, unpack their bags, and stay until you learn the secret lesson they're meant to teach. And, if you don't quite learn it the first go around, they will happily show up down the road in different form until you do. Then, when you have that challenge nailed and you're feeling all hunky dory (yeah, I just said that!), a whole new one will arrive. That's life.

I am no stranger to Life's challenges. Some have taken me down to the darkest places where it took me significant time to find my way back up. While others came and went. I have felt defeated and alone at times, but there was always some little glimmer of strength that pulled me through. I am not sure where it evolved from. Maybe it was my fight to not become like someone close to me. Someone who decided to sink and just exist, but not live. Then again, it could also be that I have another person close to me who was faced with many dark challenges and always rose above. Most likely, it is a combination of the two. For that I am thankful!

I believe it is all about how you face those Challenges. I don't think there is one right way to learn from them. I do; however, feel that there is one way to fail and that is by avoiding or hiding from them. It may seem like it works for some time, but they will start to invade your life and leave you crippled. You can either learn or you can slowly suffocate. You can face them head on or let them back you up into a corner. The choice is really yours!!

The beautiful thing about Life's challenges is that you're constantly learning about yourself (if you allow it). Realizing that you can, in fact, handle much more than you thought you could. Always evolving into the person you're supposed to become. And don't we want to always be evolving? Because when the moment comes that we are done learning and becoming more of who we are, we're just existing or we're expired. And, I don't want either of those realities.

I have to remind myself of these things because when you're in a life lesson that reality can become clouded. It can feel impossible to overcome or unfair. You may even want to throw yourself on the ground and throw a tantrum like a three year old (no? Just me?)! I won't. I'm pretty good at keeping it together. I just need moments of remembering that I can do this, whatever this may be at the moment. I know that my future self will look back on this with fond reflection of how far I have come and I'll walk away with more ammo for future challenges. But, in this moment, I'm needing a lot of reminding.

I think 2013 is going to be a year of great love and great life lessons! No need to worry, I've got this (even if I need to shower myself with reminders)...

Scattered thoughts...

It has been a little while since my last entry. I do this often. Get on a little roll and then disappear for days, weeks, or maybe even months. It is not for lack of thoughts flowing and itching to get out, but rather my super critical side kicks in. I start doubting my writing and wonder if maybe I'm divulging too much of my inner thoughts. I have envy for those who can bleed at the fingertips and share with whomever happens upon their blog. They are brave souls and I would love to know how they do it without having a panic attack after hitting the post button!? It's a scary thing, sharing your soul with complete strangers. But, here I am, trying to get back on the horse...

Since my last post, I have experienced more roller coaster emotions. Have had several highs and a few lows. I'm happy to say that the highs are lasting longer and the lows are fleeting moments. I'm learning to trust in a new light, forgiving those who caused the hurt, and focusing on a brighter tomorrow.

I tend to look for the lessons in the painful situations I'm faced with. It seems to help me process and move forward. It sounds simple and easy, but the honest truth is, I would not be able to tell anyone HOW to do this! Not a clue. It is just something that I do. It usually involves serious internal turmoil and then just one day...BAM, the lesson is right there in my face and I use that as my focal point to move forward.

The most recent events have taught me that I have someone in my life that I want to work through the struggles that relationships are faced with. I don't want to run when things get hard. I want to do this right and that requires a lot of hard work, compromise, patience, and forgivness. It takes both parties working hard at those things to make something last and this situation showed me that I have someone who is willing to fight for it. Isn't that what we all want? Someone who doesn't want to run during the tough times, because there will always be challenges and it's nice to have someone with you during them.

In other news, fiby has been being a major bitch lately! Those who know me and want to know what it's like to live with fibromyalgia always ask me to describe it. My typical answer is, I am in some sort of pain every single day of my life. I find that they don't really want to know the truth because it makes them feel uncomfortable and I'm sure they wish they could empathize, but there is no way to really understand unless you live it. Basically, just imagine that on good days you hurt and on bad days you feel that the only real source of relief is through some form of mutilation to your body.

I'm hoping to get my act together and really start focusing on the natural ways to help tame my sidekick. When I'm not in pain and helping everyone else of course! HA!!! One day I will really focus on my health and be reporting about more good days rather than days where I want to chop off body parts. One day...

Now, time to do some front porch sitting and listening to great music to escape for a little while. Hopefully it is not weeks before the next entry...

The process...

Feel deep down inside the pain of missing someone or something so badly it hurts. Notice the empty spaces between your heart that need filling. Tune into other aches in your body when your belly burns with red hot fire, pay attention. What is the source of your ache? What are you trying to digest that is too large, too hot, too unfamiliar to handle. Ache for the mothering you never got, the love you had and then lost, the love you never had at all. Ache to be touched, loved, adored. Ache for the sad woman down the block, the frightened child upstairs., the grieving parents around the corner. Let your heart ache and break and ache again - until it grows stronger and more able to open with ease.

It's been a little over a week since the revelation. A little over a week since my sanity and I were one. I have managed to hold together some form of composure in public quite well; all the while, inside my world is spinning. My emotions fluctuate by the hour, but the majority of the time I feel a little bit crazy and a lot a bit sad. Now, I have had a few days where I actually felt like I was climbing back onto solid ground for the majority of the day. Then you have the ones where you are enjoying a nice sunny afternoon with friends and one wrong word opens the flood gates. You play it off and place the blame on the bottles of bubbly you've been sharing and pray that they don't ask anymore questions, because there is just no way that you can explain.

I know this is all part of the healing process. I do. And, I know that I have to go through this so that I can come out stronger on the other side. I just can't seem to get past the fact that I think maybe I should be over it by now. I like to think that I'm a pretty strong individual, but I have to get over those notions. I have to just accept that this hit me pretty hard and allow myself to feel these things wihtout putting a time limit on how long they should last. I'm just not good at feeling out of control.

So, I will just keep on trying to allow myself this time of healing. Try to remind myself that there isn't a target date for when I'll be "over it". Just take each day as it is and I'm certain that one day this will be a distant memory.

One thing I know for certain at this moment in time is that doubt is a bitch. A really big bitch and she fucks with you.



Listening to music as I write and these lyrics practically slapped me... "Where is the final battle fought upon for my soul to see? Where all the ways to break me, they give up on me and all the ways to live, they come to rescue me."

Numb...

Have you ever been so sad that you're completely numb to emotions? It's an odd feeling because you're not really feeling anything. Or maybe it's that you're feeling entirely too much and your body doesn't know how to process it. I have moments where I feel a tidal wave of sadness and I almost stop breathing. Then it is right back to this void. I don't think that my brain is quite ready to process it all. It's just too much.

I've learned a very valuable lesson. You have to trust your gut instinct. If something in the pit of your stomach tells you something isn't right, it usually isn't. Don't ignore it or run from it in fear of sounding crazy. Chances are, you have a very valid reason for feeling that way. Just remember that when you do question it, you have to be willing to hear the truth. It may hurt. It may hurt right down to the core and leave you spinning and wanting to vomit all over the place. But, you won't. You'll just feel that way.

I believe that once you're faced with a challenge, you have two choices. Let it completely consume you and make you miserable. Or, learn to grow from it. Sure, you will probably go through the emotional stages and that is normal and healthy, but you can't dwell in them. Experience them, learn from them, and move on from them. It's really the healthiest for your sanity. Living in the past won't change the event.

I'm confindent that I will come out of this even stronger. I am just in the healing phase.

This too shall pass...

Dear Self,

You have a lot of things that are rolling around in that pretty head of yours (yes, I called myself pretty...get over it). You have the ability to begin these conversations that you are so afraid to have. Remind me again, why are you afraid? Oh yeah, because you're allowing your past to hold some control of your present and you're fearing the unknown. I thought we have been over this before! THAT.IS.NOT.COOL!

Listen to your gut. Pay attention to it and don't let your heart or silly thoughts mess with what it tells you. Ask your friends for advice, but don't let them completely control how YOU feel it is best to go about bringing these topics up. Maybe you don't play by these dating rules that people tell you about. Maybe you think those rules are completely silly because all you know is how to speak from the heart and be honest. That's OKAY! Maybe being completely honest and speaking from your heart will scare people away, but that just means they weren't supposed to be in your life in the first place.

I know all of the above is terrifying to you! Emotions are scary, but they are also so very wonderful. You know how to love and you know how to love with all of your heart. You deserve the very same in return. The thing is, you feel it. Truly feel it. When he tells you he loves you or that you're beautiful, you believe every single drop of those words. He makes you feel special and you find all of these little things that he does so very amazing! Let's be honest, it doesn't take much to make you happy. The wonderful thing is, you found someone who just knows all of these little ways of making your heart do somersaults.

The very scary reality of all of these amazing feelings of love is you don't really know if you're on the same path. Do you both want similar things for your future? You aren't getting any younger and there are things that you want in your future life. Things you deserve to have! And here you have found this person who makes you so happy, but there is a real possibility that he may not want the same things as you. That scares you. No, it terrifies you and makes you avoid those necessary conversations even more. Why? Because you've had to play the really strong logical person time and time again in the past and make those hard decisions. You don't really want to have to be that person again (who are you kidding, you're always going to be that person). But, the thing is, you won't know if you have to be that person if you don't start having these conversations. Isn't it better to find out sooner rather than a couple years down the road when frustration sets in?

Communication is key. Fear is stupid. You don't know anything until you really start talking. Just follow your gut. Listen to it and let it guide you. So what if you don't play by the dating rules/books!? Do what you know best and be you. If that scares him off then he wasn't meant for you in the first place. Hell, it's not like you want anything super serious tomorrow. That scares you as well, but you want to know if there is a possibility for that to grow. You deserve to know that.

You can do this. Let go of your past, let go of your fear, and speak your truth!

Mushin' it up...

For people who really know me, they know that I am just one big sentimental sap, mixed with some sarcasm, and a hint of bitch (doesn't really come out unless heat is added). It's true. I can be caught mushing it up on pretty much a daily basis with those closest to me.

That being said, my grateful heart has been overflowin' as of late. This sentimental sap is in overdrive. I just have these moments where it feels like these grateful moments are suffocating me. It's all because I'm at a place in my life where I am really happy with who I am and what I have to offer. I realize I'm not for everyone, but it's not about aiming to please others. It's about being you and letting the people who WANT to be there, be in your life. Those other jerks can use the nearest exit.

I have some amazing people in my life and I don't think that you can ever tell someone enough just how appreciated they are. So, I have been trying to do that. Share my thanks for what they offer my life and the joy that they add to it. I'm sure that some of them are thinking, "Enough already! I get it. You're grateful. You love me. You appreciate me. You told me that ten times yesterday!". Ok, so I'm not THAT bad, but I've been feeling it that much.

I think back on all of the struggles that this life has faced me with. The really down times, where I had almost no faith in myself. The moments where I was a hot mess and my life was close to a big blur. Those moments have made this time in my life that much more AMAZING! I'm in awe of my blessings. I really have no idea how I deserve this life, but I couldn't be more thankful for it!

For the people who love me, who have believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself, who gave me the hard wake up calls that I needed, and who were a support system: THANK YOU for loving me for me, even at some of my worst moments! For the newer loves in my life: thank you for making life that much sweeter and opening my heart up in a way that I didn't think would ever happen again!!!

Mush fest over, for now...

It's been real...

Another year has come and gone. People weren't lieing when they said the older you get, the faster time goes. It's true, life hits fast forward and kind of gets stuck there. Just another reminder to live in the moment and make the most of each and every day we are given.

I have to say that 2012 was quite good to me! Of course there were some challenging and heartbreaking moments, but I think that is just par for the course. As an overall reflection of my year though, it was easily one of the best!

New friends were made, old friendships grew stronger, and learned the lesson that sometimes it is just best to walk away from some. I was witness to some beautiful loving moments as more and more people I know are getting married or engaged. I watched my soul sister grow more into the person that she is and am beyond proud of her growth over this past year and thankful that she trusted me to be her someone to lean on! However, the real highlight for me was falling in love with one amazing person!!

I've been truly blessed with some amazing people in my life and this past year was such a strong affirmation of that! Thankful is just a scratch at the surface to how I feel. Not sure how I got so lucky...

Happy New Year!!