FEEL...

Feel the pain, feel the joy, until you feel you'll surely evaporate. Stop holding back from laughing with your belly, loving from the deepest places of your heart, swooning with the sensuality of life itself. Feel how good it feels to love another human...and if you're lucky, to be loved in return. Feel the warmth inside you when you do the right thing. Feel the fire that's ignited when someone tramples that which matters to you. When another's disregard or arrogance enrages you, feel the anger rise up and roar! Let your honest feelings come through, even the ones that make other people squirm. If you're not truly feelinng, you're not truly alive...you're just going through the motions and getting nothing in return.

I think that I truly feel with almost every aspect of my life. I allow myself to feel the raw emotions that life throws at you and I appreciate all of those moments because they allow you to grow and learn about yourself. There is one part of my life however, that I feel hits a brick wall. The feelings will begin to bubble to the surface and then...I just panic. I can't really describe it any other way.

These feelings that I'm talking about are those that revolve around "romantic" interactions with men. I came close to allowing myself to really feel something for someone two years ago, but I had this gnawing feeling in my gut that it just wasn't right. Something was missing even though I had developed some emotional attachment towards this individual. Cue meeting an individual a year ago and having this instant attraction. At that initial time events did not occur how I would have necessarily wanted them to and there was a portion of time where this person was not in my life in any way. Yet again I had this gnawing gut feeling, but this time it was knowing that this person was not out of my life forever. I knew that our paths would cross again. Those guts...they don't lie!

Flash forward to now and I was right or rather my gut was right! Our paths crossed again alright and events are happening in ways that I like. The problem now lies in the fact that I have feelings for this person. Feelings that I have surely never felt before and quite frankly, they scare the ever living daylights out of me!!! I guess that it is slightly okay that they are scary because anything worth while is a little bit scary at first...right? At least I think I read some inspirational quote that was along those lines.

Part of me feels that if I allow myself to really go there...to that place of letting the walls come crumbling down and open myself up to being "vulnerable", that things will change. That his feelings will change and this thing we have going will just stop. On the other hand, I know that if I don't share much of how I feel or show that I actually have emotions what we have going could stop and I could be left with regret of not really expressing myself. Such a conundrum that I am in!

I should probably just risk it. I do know that if you don't really try, you will never really know how it all could play out. Maybe feelings on his end would change and things would just stop. At least I would know that I put it out there and tried. Or maybe, just maybe, things could work out and I could allow myself to really feel and maybe even fall in that big L word.

One thing that I do know for certain about these feelings that are forming; it is pretty amazing with how far I have come from the insecure individual who was madly in love with the wrong person. How this time I am happy with who I am and what I have to offer. That I know if things don't work out the way I imagine them I know I will be sad, very sad and it will take time to heal, but my world won't fall apart. That I like exactly who he is and have no desire to change him (let's face it most women or even men enter a relationship type situation and think they can change the things they don't like...such fools).

Guess it's time to start pushing past the fear and tear down this wall. It may be brick by brick, but at least it will be progress..right? Baby steps...