Having a moment of getting lost in my thoughts and the music that is penetrating my eardrums. Music has a way of taking me on an emotional journey and letting me explore how I feel. Some of my best thinking is done when I have my earbuds in and the outside world fades away.
The music is taking me back to the same thoughts I've been having for quite some time now. I go from knowing exactly what I need to do or say to being that little girl in the corner that is terrified to speak up. I've talked this over with friends and they all tell me that it is time to take that risk (I've had one or two who tell me that it's ok not to put myself out there and to remain reserved).
I'm almost certain that fear is the worst emotion that there is. Fear can hold you back from experiencing so many other emotions. Fear is kind of like being locked in a prison (not that I have ever been in prison, but I'm going on my imagination here). I don't want to be on emotional lockdown anymore. I'm the only one who can break myself out...I know this.
I've been trying to pinpoint what exactly it is that terrifies me. Is it the fear of rejection? The fear of becoming fully immersed in the intoxicating feelings and losing myself? I think it's a combination of the two.
I deserve this amazing thing that is developing and I have so much to give. I know that I need to bite the bullet, take the plunge, dive right in...all of those things. You know because of that whole, if you don't risk taking chances in life you risk a whole lot more. There is a great quote that basically says that, but I can't find it. I'm sure that you catch my drift though.
"If you hold back feelings because you're afraid of being hurt, you end up hurting anyway." Little heart, I do believe that quote was directed at you!
In other news...fiby is being a major bitch! Sometimes when she isn't in full force I actually forget about my pain in the ass (literally) sidekick. Just when I'm feeling "normal" she likes to come out in full force and remind me of her presence. She's special like that.
It's been pretty awful lately. That feeling that every single muscle in my body is wound up in the tightest ball, lava flowing through the veins, and the desire to have someone break me into a million pieces. But, it will pass. It always does. I will put on my brave face along with a smile and push through this flare up. The only other option is to give into it and as tempting as it may be on some days, I'm just too damn stubborn to let fiby win.
I think it's time for a music coma now...
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