It has been over a month since my last entry. Again, not for lack of things to write. In fact, there have been so many events that have happened. So many different emotions that are swirling around. So many moments where I have wanted to come running to my keyboard and just let it all pour out. But, then life happens and I allow things to get in the way of my time to have this moment of release. Doubts set it and parts of me doesn't want to share too much. So, I may type a few sentences and then delete my efforts, put my keyboard away, and lay down with hopes that I'll find the time and mood to write the next day.
I have started a new journey in my life. A journey to conquer my beasts that are stress and anxiety. These beasts play into the agony of fiby and after a particularly rough weekend both mentally and physically, I had this burning desire to change it. It was the push I needed to start doing something for myself. One would think the natural thing to do would call up the doctor and start popping some pills to manage these demons. However, I have a strong dislike for doctors and for taking medicine. NOT that I do not believe that there are legitmate times when both are needed. They very much are, but I know myself and I know that is not what is best for me. Not until I exhaust every other natural option that there is.
So on the Monday after the very exhausting weekend, I consulted the "book of knowledge" as my boyfriend likes to call it (that would be google). I searched for therapists in my surrounding area and came up with at least 15 to choose from. Most of which I quickly glanced over and made the quick assumption that they were not for me. Then, I happened upon the lady that I am currently seeing. There was something about the quick blurb about her practice that caught my eye and made me look into her practice a little further. So I visited her website and read about hypnotherapy and decided this was something that I really wanted to try. It is a bit uncovnentional and not something that I would have went searching for on my own, but I felt a pull towards this type of therapy. I think life has a way of doing that. Pulling you where you need to go.
I emailed her that same day and expressed what I was looking to gain from this. Guidence and tools that I can use to better manage my stress and anxiety. I gave a quick description of what is currently going on in my life that lead me to searching for this tool. She called me that afternoon and we had a great 15 minute conversation. Have you ever had moments where you met someone and felt an instant connection in one form or another? That is what it felt like talking with her. I felt comfortable and open and at complete ease. I left the conversation excited and eager to finally meet her and see what this could do for me.
I am not new to therapy. I have tried this route in my early adulthood and I can't say that it was the best or worst thing that I have ever done. I just knew that I wasn't looking to just sit in someones office and spill my insides out and have them nod and listen and give me a line. I wanted someone who would make me do some soul searching. Put a little work into this because I know that the healing of my life will come from me. I have to do the hard work. It is just nice to have someone who can guide you and give you the tools to do so. I am happy to say that this is what I am getting with my hypnotherapist.
I am learning to manage stress and anxiety. I am learning to better communicate my feelings and what is important to me. To not push them aside in fear of them being a burden to others. Which has been a source of relief and has allowed me to communicate on a different level. I know that I still have work ahead of me, but it has been an empowering experience and one I'm happy to share with anyone who cares to actually read this.
When it comes to your emotional well being, I don't think that anyone should be ashamed of what they do to better the person that they are. There is a negative connotation that usually goes along with therapy, but I don't believe that it shows weakness in someone. I think quite the opposite. It takes great courage to meet with someone and actively work on bettering yourself. I will acknowledge that it may not be for everyone, but if you are toying with the idea I suggest you do some research of the therapists in your area and the methods they use and just try it.
"Everything that happens is meant to help move you into your greater self."
6.16.2013
4.12.2013
LIfe's Challenge...
"When we least expect if, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait, Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide wheter or not to accept our destiny."
Every single person is going to be faced with a challenge in their life. There is no escaping it! They will present themselves in different shapes and sizes and at a moments notice. They will show up at your doorstep the moment that you feel like things are finally settling down and making sense. They will shove their way through the door, unpack their bags, and stay until you learn the secret lesson they're meant to teach. And, if you don't quite learn it the first go around, they will happily show up down the road in different form until you do. Then, when you have that challenge nailed and you're feeling all hunky dory (yeah, I just said that!), a whole new one will arrive. That's life.
I am no stranger to Life's challenges. Some have taken me down to the darkest places where it took me significant time to find my way back up. While others came and went. I have felt defeated and alone at times, but there was always some little glimmer of strength that pulled me through. I am not sure where it evolved from. Maybe it was my fight to not become like someone close to me. Someone who decided to sink and just exist, but not live. Then again, it could also be that I have another person close to me who was faced with many dark challenges and always rose above. Most likely, it is a combination of the two. For that I am thankful!
I believe it is all about how you face those Challenges. I don't think there is one right way to learn from them. I do; however, feel that there is one way to fail and that is by avoiding or hiding from them. It may seem like it works for some time, but they will start to invade your life and leave you crippled. You can either learn or you can slowly suffocate. You can face them head on or let them back you up into a corner. The choice is really yours!!
The beautiful thing about Life's challenges is that you're constantly learning about yourself (if you allow it). Realizing that you can, in fact, handle much more than you thought you could. Always evolving into the person you're supposed to become. And don't we want to always be evolving? Because when the moment comes that we are done learning and becoming more of who we are, we're just existing or we're expired. And, I don't want either of those realities.
I have to remind myself of these things because when you're in a life lesson that reality can become clouded. It can feel impossible to overcome or unfair. You may even want to throw yourself on the ground and throw a tantrum like a three year old (no? Just me?)! I won't. I'm pretty good at keeping it together. I just need moments of remembering that I can do this, whatever this may be at the moment. I know that my future self will look back on this with fond reflection of how far I have come and I'll walk away with more ammo for future challenges. But, in this moment, I'm needing a lot of reminding.
I think 2013 is going to be a year of great love and great life lessons! No need to worry, I've got this (even if I need to shower myself with reminders)...
Every single person is going to be faced with a challenge in their life. There is no escaping it! They will present themselves in different shapes and sizes and at a moments notice. They will show up at your doorstep the moment that you feel like things are finally settling down and making sense. They will shove their way through the door, unpack their bags, and stay until you learn the secret lesson they're meant to teach. And, if you don't quite learn it the first go around, they will happily show up down the road in different form until you do. Then, when you have that challenge nailed and you're feeling all hunky dory (yeah, I just said that!), a whole new one will arrive. That's life.
I am no stranger to Life's challenges. Some have taken me down to the darkest places where it took me significant time to find my way back up. While others came and went. I have felt defeated and alone at times, but there was always some little glimmer of strength that pulled me through. I am not sure where it evolved from. Maybe it was my fight to not become like someone close to me. Someone who decided to sink and just exist, but not live. Then again, it could also be that I have another person close to me who was faced with many dark challenges and always rose above. Most likely, it is a combination of the two. For that I am thankful!
I believe it is all about how you face those Challenges. I don't think there is one right way to learn from them. I do; however, feel that there is one way to fail and that is by avoiding or hiding from them. It may seem like it works for some time, but they will start to invade your life and leave you crippled. You can either learn or you can slowly suffocate. You can face them head on or let them back you up into a corner. The choice is really yours!!
The beautiful thing about Life's challenges is that you're constantly learning about yourself (if you allow it). Realizing that you can, in fact, handle much more than you thought you could. Always evolving into the person you're supposed to become. And don't we want to always be evolving? Because when the moment comes that we are done learning and becoming more of who we are, we're just existing or we're expired. And, I don't want either of those realities.
I have to remind myself of these things because when you're in a life lesson that reality can become clouded. It can feel impossible to overcome or unfair. You may even want to throw yourself on the ground and throw a tantrum like a three year old (no? Just me?)! I won't. I'm pretty good at keeping it together. I just need moments of remembering that I can do this, whatever this may be at the moment. I know that my future self will look back on this with fond reflection of how far I have come and I'll walk away with more ammo for future challenges. But, in this moment, I'm needing a lot of reminding.
I think 2013 is going to be a year of great love and great life lessons! No need to worry, I've got this (even if I need to shower myself with reminders)...
3.19.2013
Scattered thoughts...
It has been a little while since my last entry. I do this often. Get on a little roll and then disappear for days, weeks, or maybe even months. It is not for lack of thoughts flowing and itching to get out, but rather my super critical side kicks in. I start doubting my writing and wonder if maybe I'm divulging too much of my inner thoughts. I have envy for those who can bleed at the fingertips and share with whomever happens upon their blog. They are brave souls and I would love to know how they do it without having a panic attack after hitting the post button!? It's a scary thing, sharing your soul with complete strangers. But, here I am, trying to get back on the horse...
Since my last post, I have experienced more roller coaster emotions. Have had several highs and a few lows. I'm happy to say that the highs are lasting longer and the lows are fleeting moments. I'm learning to trust in a new light, forgiving those who caused the hurt, and focusing on a brighter tomorrow.
I tend to look for the lessons in the painful situations I'm faced with. It seems to help me process and move forward. It sounds simple and easy, but the honest truth is, I would not be able to tell anyone HOW to do this! Not a clue. It is just something that I do. It usually involves serious internal turmoil and then just one day...BAM, the lesson is right there in my face and I use that as my focal point to move forward.
The most recent events have taught me that I have someone in my life that I want to work through the struggles that relationships are faced with. I don't want to run when things get hard. I want to do this right and that requires a lot of hard work, compromise, patience, and forgivness. It takes both parties working hard at those things to make something last and this situation showed me that I have someone who is willing to fight for it. Isn't that what we all want? Someone who doesn't want to run during the tough times, because there will always be challenges and it's nice to have someone with you during them.
In other news, fiby has been being a major bitch lately! Those who know me and want to know what it's like to live with fibromyalgia always ask me to describe it. My typical answer is, I am in some sort of pain every single day of my life. I find that they don't really want to know the truth because it makes them feel uncomfortable and I'm sure they wish they could empathize, but there is no way to really understand unless you live it. Basically, just imagine that on good days you hurt and on bad days you feel that the only real source of relief is through some form of mutilation to your body.
I'm hoping to get my act together and really start focusing on the natural ways to help tame my sidekick. When I'm not in pain and helping everyone else of course! HA!!! One day I will really focus on my health and be reporting about more good days rather than days where I want to chop off body parts. One day...
Now, time to do some front porch sitting and listening to great music to escape for a little while. Hopefully it is not weeks before the next entry...
Since my last post, I have experienced more roller coaster emotions. Have had several highs and a few lows. I'm happy to say that the highs are lasting longer and the lows are fleeting moments. I'm learning to trust in a new light, forgiving those who caused the hurt, and focusing on a brighter tomorrow.
I tend to look for the lessons in the painful situations I'm faced with. It seems to help me process and move forward. It sounds simple and easy, but the honest truth is, I would not be able to tell anyone HOW to do this! Not a clue. It is just something that I do. It usually involves serious internal turmoil and then just one day...BAM, the lesson is right there in my face and I use that as my focal point to move forward.
The most recent events have taught me that I have someone in my life that I want to work through the struggles that relationships are faced with. I don't want to run when things get hard. I want to do this right and that requires a lot of hard work, compromise, patience, and forgivness. It takes both parties working hard at those things to make something last and this situation showed me that I have someone who is willing to fight for it. Isn't that what we all want? Someone who doesn't want to run during the tough times, because there will always be challenges and it's nice to have someone with you during them.
In other news, fiby has been being a major bitch lately! Those who know me and want to know what it's like to live with fibromyalgia always ask me to describe it. My typical answer is, I am in some sort of pain every single day of my life. I find that they don't really want to know the truth because it makes them feel uncomfortable and I'm sure they wish they could empathize, but there is no way to really understand unless you live it. Basically, just imagine that on good days you hurt and on bad days you feel that the only real source of relief is through some form of mutilation to your body.
I'm hoping to get my act together and really start focusing on the natural ways to help tame my sidekick. When I'm not in pain and helping everyone else of course! HA!!! One day I will really focus on my health and be reporting about more good days rather than days where I want to chop off body parts. One day...
Now, time to do some front porch sitting and listening to great music to escape for a little while. Hopefully it is not weeks before the next entry...
2.12.2013
The process...
Feel deep down inside the pain of missing someone or something so badly it hurts. Notice the empty spaces between your heart that need filling. Tune into other aches in your body when your belly burns with red hot fire, pay attention. What is the source of your ache? What are you trying to digest that is too large, too hot, too unfamiliar to handle. Ache for the mothering you never got, the love you had and then lost, the love you never had at all. Ache to be touched, loved, adored. Ache for the sad woman down the block, the frightened child upstairs., the grieving parents around the corner. Let your heart ache and break and ache again - until it grows stronger and more able to open with ease.
It's been a little over a week since the revelation. A little over a week since my sanity and I were one. I have managed to hold together some form of composure in public quite well; all the while, inside my world is spinning. My emotions fluctuate by the hour, but the majority of the time I feel a little bit crazy and a lot a bit sad. Now, I have had a few days where I actually felt like I was climbing back onto solid ground for the majority of the day. Then you have the ones where you are enjoying a nice sunny afternoon with friends and one wrong word opens the flood gates. You play it off and place the blame on the bottles of bubbly you've been sharing and pray that they don't ask anymore questions, because there is just no way that you can explain.
I know this is all part of the healing process. I do. And, I know that I have to go through this so that I can come out stronger on the other side. I just can't seem to get past the fact that I think maybe I should be over it by now. I like to think that I'm a pretty strong individual, but I have to get over those notions. I have to just accept that this hit me pretty hard and allow myself to feel these things wihtout putting a time limit on how long they should last. I'm just not good at feeling out of control.
So, I will just keep on trying to allow myself this time of healing. Try to remind myself that there isn't a target date for when I'll be "over it". Just take each day as it is and I'm certain that one day this will be a distant memory.
One thing I know for certain at this moment in time is that doubt is a bitch. A really big bitch and she fucks with you.
Listening to music as I write and these lyrics practically slapped me... "Where is the final battle fought upon for my soul to see? Where all the ways to break me, they give up on me and all the ways to live, they come to rescue me."
It's been a little over a week since the revelation. A little over a week since my sanity and I were one. I have managed to hold together some form of composure in public quite well; all the while, inside my world is spinning. My emotions fluctuate by the hour, but the majority of the time I feel a little bit crazy and a lot a bit sad. Now, I have had a few days where I actually felt like I was climbing back onto solid ground for the majority of the day. Then you have the ones where you are enjoying a nice sunny afternoon with friends and one wrong word opens the flood gates. You play it off and place the blame on the bottles of bubbly you've been sharing and pray that they don't ask anymore questions, because there is just no way that you can explain.
I know this is all part of the healing process. I do. And, I know that I have to go through this so that I can come out stronger on the other side. I just can't seem to get past the fact that I think maybe I should be over it by now. I like to think that I'm a pretty strong individual, but I have to get over those notions. I have to just accept that this hit me pretty hard and allow myself to feel these things wihtout putting a time limit on how long they should last. I'm just not good at feeling out of control.
So, I will just keep on trying to allow myself this time of healing. Try to remind myself that there isn't a target date for when I'll be "over it". Just take each day as it is and I'm certain that one day this will be a distant memory.
One thing I know for certain at this moment in time is that doubt is a bitch. A really big bitch and she fucks with you.
Listening to music as I write and these lyrics practically slapped me... "Where is the final battle fought upon for my soul to see? Where all the ways to break me, they give up on me and all the ways to live, they come to rescue me."
1.31.2013
Numb...
Have you ever been so sad that you're completely numb to emotions? It's an odd feeling because you're not really feeling anything. Or maybe it's that you're feeling entirely too much and your body doesn't know how to process it. I have moments where I feel a tidal wave of sadness and I almost stop breathing. Then it is right back to this void. I don't think that my brain is quite ready to process it all. It's just too much.
I've learned a very valuable lesson. You have to trust your gut instinct. If something in the pit of your stomach tells you something isn't right, it usually isn't. Don't ignore it or run from it in fear of sounding crazy. Chances are, you have a very valid reason for feeling that way. Just remember that when you do question it, you have to be willing to hear the truth. It may hurt. It may hurt right down to the core and leave you spinning and wanting to vomit all over the place. But, you won't. You'll just feel that way.
I believe that once you're faced with a challenge, you have two choices. Let it completely consume you and make you miserable. Or, learn to grow from it. Sure, you will probably go through the emotional stages and that is normal and healthy, but you can't dwell in them. Experience them, learn from them, and move on from them. It's really the healthiest for your sanity. Living in the past won't change the event.
I'm confindent that I will come out of this even stronger. I am just in the healing phase.
This too shall pass...
I've learned a very valuable lesson. You have to trust your gut instinct. If something in the pit of your stomach tells you something isn't right, it usually isn't. Don't ignore it or run from it in fear of sounding crazy. Chances are, you have a very valid reason for feeling that way. Just remember that when you do question it, you have to be willing to hear the truth. It may hurt. It may hurt right down to the core and leave you spinning and wanting to vomit all over the place. But, you won't. You'll just feel that way.
I believe that once you're faced with a challenge, you have two choices. Let it completely consume you and make you miserable. Or, learn to grow from it. Sure, you will probably go through the emotional stages and that is normal and healthy, but you can't dwell in them. Experience them, learn from them, and move on from them. It's really the healthiest for your sanity. Living in the past won't change the event.
I'm confindent that I will come out of this even stronger. I am just in the healing phase.
This too shall pass...
1.23.2013
Dear Self,
You have a lot of things that are rolling around in that pretty head of yours (yes, I called myself pretty...get over it). You have the ability to begin these conversations that you are so afraid to have. Remind me again, why are you afraid? Oh yeah, because you're allowing your past to hold some control of your present and you're fearing the unknown. I thought we have been over this before! THAT.IS.NOT.COOL!
Listen to your gut. Pay attention to it and don't let your heart or silly thoughts mess with what it tells you. Ask your friends for advice, but don't let them completely control how YOU feel it is best to go about bringing these topics up. Maybe you don't play by these dating rules that people tell you about. Maybe you think those rules are completely silly because all you know is how to speak from the heart and be honest. That's OKAY! Maybe being completely honest and speaking from your heart will scare people away, but that just means they weren't supposed to be in your life in the first place.
I know all of the above is terrifying to you! Emotions are scary, but they are also so very wonderful. You know how to love and you know how to love with all of your heart. You deserve the very same in return. The thing is, you feel it. Truly feel it. When he tells you he loves you or that you're beautiful, you believe every single drop of those words. He makes you feel special and you find all of these little things that he does so very amazing! Let's be honest, it doesn't take much to make you happy. The wonderful thing is, you found someone who just knows all of these little ways of making your heart do somersaults.
The very scary reality of all of these amazing feelings of love is you don't really know if you're on the same path. Do you both want similar things for your future? You aren't getting any younger and there are things that you want in your future life. Things you deserve to have! And here you have found this person who makes you so happy, but there is a real possibility that he may not want the same things as you. That scares you. No, it terrifies you and makes you avoid those necessary conversations even more. Why? Because you've had to play the really strong logical person time and time again in the past and make those hard decisions. You don't really want to have to be that person again (who are you kidding, you're always going to be that person). But, the thing is, you won't know if you have to be that person if you don't start having these conversations. Isn't it better to find out sooner rather than a couple years down the road when frustration sets in?
Communication is key. Fear is stupid. You don't know anything until you really start talking. Just follow your gut. Listen to it and let it guide you. So what if you don't play by the dating rules/books!? Do what you know best and be you. If that scares him off then he wasn't meant for you in the first place. Hell, it's not like you want anything super serious tomorrow. That scares you as well, but you want to know if there is a possibility for that to grow. You deserve to know that.
You can do this. Let go of your past, let go of your fear, and speak your truth!
Listen to your gut. Pay attention to it and don't let your heart or silly thoughts mess with what it tells you. Ask your friends for advice, but don't let them completely control how YOU feel it is best to go about bringing these topics up. Maybe you don't play by these dating rules that people tell you about. Maybe you think those rules are completely silly because all you know is how to speak from the heart and be honest. That's OKAY! Maybe being completely honest and speaking from your heart will scare people away, but that just means they weren't supposed to be in your life in the first place.
I know all of the above is terrifying to you! Emotions are scary, but they are also so very wonderful. You know how to love and you know how to love with all of your heart. You deserve the very same in return. The thing is, you feel it. Truly feel it. When he tells you he loves you or that you're beautiful, you believe every single drop of those words. He makes you feel special and you find all of these little things that he does so very amazing! Let's be honest, it doesn't take much to make you happy. The wonderful thing is, you found someone who just knows all of these little ways of making your heart do somersaults.
The very scary reality of all of these amazing feelings of love is you don't really know if you're on the same path. Do you both want similar things for your future? You aren't getting any younger and there are things that you want in your future life. Things you deserve to have! And here you have found this person who makes you so happy, but there is a real possibility that he may not want the same things as you. That scares you. No, it terrifies you and makes you avoid those necessary conversations even more. Why? Because you've had to play the really strong logical person time and time again in the past and make those hard decisions. You don't really want to have to be that person again (who are you kidding, you're always going to be that person). But, the thing is, you won't know if you have to be that person if you don't start having these conversations. Isn't it better to find out sooner rather than a couple years down the road when frustration sets in?
Communication is key. Fear is stupid. You don't know anything until you really start talking. Just follow your gut. Listen to it and let it guide you. So what if you don't play by the dating rules/books!? Do what you know best and be you. If that scares him off then he wasn't meant for you in the first place. Hell, it's not like you want anything super serious tomorrow. That scares you as well, but you want to know if there is a possibility for that to grow. You deserve to know that.
You can do this. Let go of your past, let go of your fear, and speak your truth!
1.02.2013
Mushin' it up...
For people who really know me, they know that I am just one big sentimental sap, mixed with some sarcasm, and a hint of bitch (doesn't really come out unless heat is added). It's true. I can be caught mushing it up on pretty much a daily basis with those closest to me.
That being said, my grateful heart has been overflowin' as of late. This sentimental sap is in overdrive. I just have these moments where it feels like these grateful moments are suffocating me. It's all because I'm at a place in my life where I am really happy with who I am and what I have to offer. I realize I'm not for everyone, but it's not about aiming to please others. It's about being you and letting the people who WANT to be there, be in your life. Those other jerks can use the nearest exit.
I have some amazing people in my life and I don't think that you can ever tell someone enough just how appreciated they are. So, I have been trying to do that. Share my thanks for what they offer my life and the joy that they add to it. I'm sure that some of them are thinking, "Enough already! I get it. You're grateful. You love me. You appreciate me. You told me that ten times yesterday!". Ok, so I'm not THAT bad, but I've been feeling it that much.
I think back on all of the struggles that this life has faced me with. The really down times, where I had almost no faith in myself. The moments where I was a hot mess and my life was close to a big blur. Those moments have made this time in my life that much more AMAZING! I'm in awe of my blessings. I really have no idea how I deserve this life, but I couldn't be more thankful for it!
For the people who love me, who have believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself, who gave me the hard wake up calls that I needed, and who were a support system: THANK YOU for loving me for me, even at some of my worst moments! For the newer loves in my life: thank you for making life that much sweeter and opening my heart up in a way that I didn't think would ever happen again!!!
Mush fest over, for now...
That being said, my grateful heart has been overflowin' as of late. This sentimental sap is in overdrive. I just have these moments where it feels like these grateful moments are suffocating me. It's all because I'm at a place in my life where I am really happy with who I am and what I have to offer. I realize I'm not for everyone, but it's not about aiming to please others. It's about being you and letting the people who WANT to be there, be in your life. Those other jerks can use the nearest exit.
I have some amazing people in my life and I don't think that you can ever tell someone enough just how appreciated they are. So, I have been trying to do that. Share my thanks for what they offer my life and the joy that they add to it. I'm sure that some of them are thinking, "Enough already! I get it. You're grateful. You love me. You appreciate me. You told me that ten times yesterday!". Ok, so I'm not THAT bad, but I've been feeling it that much.
I think back on all of the struggles that this life has faced me with. The really down times, where I had almost no faith in myself. The moments where I was a hot mess and my life was close to a big blur. Those moments have made this time in my life that much more AMAZING! I'm in awe of my blessings. I really have no idea how I deserve this life, but I couldn't be more thankful for it!
For the people who love me, who have believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself, who gave me the hard wake up calls that I needed, and who were a support system: THANK YOU for loving me for me, even at some of my worst moments! For the newer loves in my life: thank you for making life that much sweeter and opening my heart up in a way that I didn't think would ever happen again!!!
Mush fest over, for now...
1.01.2013
It's been real...
Another year has come and gone. People weren't lieing when they said the older you get, the faster time goes. It's true, life hits fast forward and kind of gets stuck there. Just another reminder to live in the moment and make the most of each and every day we are given.
I have to say that 2012 was quite good to me! Of course there were some challenging and heartbreaking moments, but I think that is just par for the course. As an overall reflection of my year though, it was easily one of the best!
New friends were made, old friendships grew stronger, and learned the lesson that sometimes it is just best to walk away from some. I was witness to some beautiful loving moments as more and more people I know are getting married or engaged. I watched my soul sister grow more into the person that she is and am beyond proud of her growth over this past year and thankful that she trusted me to be her someone to lean on! However, the real highlight for me was falling in love with one amazing person!!
I've been truly blessed with some amazing people in my life and this past year was such a strong affirmation of that! Thankful is just a scratch at the surface to how I feel. Not sure how I got so lucky...
Happy New Year!!
I have to say that 2012 was quite good to me! Of course there were some challenging and heartbreaking moments, but I think that is just par for the course. As an overall reflection of my year though, it was easily one of the best!
New friends were made, old friendships grew stronger, and learned the lesson that sometimes it is just best to walk away from some. I was witness to some beautiful loving moments as more and more people I know are getting married or engaged. I watched my soul sister grow more into the person that she is and am beyond proud of her growth over this past year and thankful that she trusted me to be her someone to lean on! However, the real highlight for me was falling in love with one amazing person!!
I've been truly blessed with some amazing people in my life and this past year was such a strong affirmation of that! Thankful is just a scratch at the surface to how I feel. Not sure how I got so lucky...
Happy New Year!!
11.23.2012
Normal is boring...
Please enjoy and laugh:
11.22.2012
Giving Thanks...
It's one of my favorite days of the year!!!! A day full of laughter, cooking, drinking, and reflecting on the many reasons I'm thankful.
I try to give thanks each and every day and not just limit it to this one day. I believe that when you reflect on the good more good will come. Take the time to appreciate what you DO have and you will probably realize that there is so much more that you have than have not. I'm not saying you HAVE to do this, but I'm suggesting that you give it a go. Just try it. I have a feeling your heart will be happy that you did!
My reflection of thanks:
I'm so very THANKFUL for the direction that my life has taken me this past year. For the AMAZING people that are in my life (it's a pretty big list and I'm sure they know who they are). For the struggles, lessons learned, and the personal growth they afforded me. For a job where my empolyer treats me like family. For my little cottage that really is perfect for me. For my health...even my sidekick fiby (fibromyalgia has taught me how to put on a smile and brave face even when my body feels like it is attacking me). I'm thankful for each day that I awake and have the opportunity to make it the best.
I have a pretty wonderful life and wonderful people to share it with. Looking forward to the rest of this journey and to see where it takes me!
I hope that everyone has a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving full of family, friends, laughter, and reflection!
"It is not happy people who are thankful. It is THANKFUL people who are HAPPY!"
I try to give thanks each and every day and not just limit it to this one day. I believe that when you reflect on the good more good will come. Take the time to appreciate what you DO have and you will probably realize that there is so much more that you have than have not. I'm not saying you HAVE to do this, but I'm suggesting that you give it a go. Just try it. I have a feeling your heart will be happy that you did!
My reflection of thanks:
I'm so very THANKFUL for the direction that my life has taken me this past year. For the AMAZING people that are in my life (it's a pretty big list and I'm sure they know who they are). For the struggles, lessons learned, and the personal growth they afforded me. For a job where my empolyer treats me like family. For my little cottage that really is perfect for me. For my health...even my sidekick fiby (fibromyalgia has taught me how to put on a smile and brave face even when my body feels like it is attacking me). I'm thankful for each day that I awake and have the opportunity to make it the best.
I have a pretty wonderful life and wonderful people to share it with. Looking forward to the rest of this journey and to see where it takes me!
I hope that everyone has a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving full of family, friends, laughter, and reflection!
"It is not happy people who are thankful. It is THANKFUL people who are HAPPY!"
11.18.2012
Music is what feeling sounds like...
Having a moment of getting lost in my thoughts and the music that is penetrating my eardrums. Music has a way of taking me on an emotional journey and letting me explore how I feel. Some of my best thinking is done when I have my earbuds in and the outside world fades away.
The music is taking me back to the same thoughts I've been having for quite some time now. I go from knowing exactly what I need to do or say to being that little girl in the corner that is terrified to speak up. I've talked this over with friends and they all tell me that it is time to take that risk (I've had one or two who tell me that it's ok not to put myself out there and to remain reserved).
I'm almost certain that fear is the worst emotion that there is. Fear can hold you back from experiencing so many other emotions. Fear is kind of like being locked in a prison (not that I have ever been in prison, but I'm going on my imagination here). I don't want to be on emotional lockdown anymore. I'm the only one who can break myself out...I know this.
I've been trying to pinpoint what exactly it is that terrifies me. Is it the fear of rejection? The fear of becoming fully immersed in the intoxicating feelings and losing myself? I think it's a combination of the two.
I deserve this amazing thing that is developing and I have so much to give. I know that I need to bite the bullet, take the plunge, dive right in...all of those things. You know because of that whole, if you don't risk taking chances in life you risk a whole lot more. There is a great quote that basically says that, but I can't find it. I'm sure that you catch my drift though.
"If you hold back feelings because you're afraid of being hurt, you end up hurting anyway." Little heart, I do believe that quote was directed at you!
In other news...fiby is being a major bitch! Sometimes when she isn't in full force I actually forget about my pain in the ass (literally) sidekick. Just when I'm feeling "normal" she likes to come out in full force and remind me of her presence. She's special like that.
It's been pretty awful lately. That feeling that every single muscle in my body is wound up in the tightest ball, lava flowing through the veins, and the desire to have someone break me into a million pieces. But, it will pass. It always does. I will put on my brave face along with a smile and push through this flare up. The only other option is to give into it and as tempting as it may be on some days, I'm just too damn stubborn to let fiby win.
I think it's time for a music coma now...
The music is taking me back to the same thoughts I've been having for quite some time now. I go from knowing exactly what I need to do or say to being that little girl in the corner that is terrified to speak up. I've talked this over with friends and they all tell me that it is time to take that risk (I've had one or two who tell me that it's ok not to put myself out there and to remain reserved).
I'm almost certain that fear is the worst emotion that there is. Fear can hold you back from experiencing so many other emotions. Fear is kind of like being locked in a prison (not that I have ever been in prison, but I'm going on my imagination here). I don't want to be on emotional lockdown anymore. I'm the only one who can break myself out...I know this.
I've been trying to pinpoint what exactly it is that terrifies me. Is it the fear of rejection? The fear of becoming fully immersed in the intoxicating feelings and losing myself? I think it's a combination of the two.
I deserve this amazing thing that is developing and I have so much to give. I know that I need to bite the bullet, take the plunge, dive right in...all of those things. You know because of that whole, if you don't risk taking chances in life you risk a whole lot more. There is a great quote that basically says that, but I can't find it. I'm sure that you catch my drift though.
"If you hold back feelings because you're afraid of being hurt, you end up hurting anyway." Little heart, I do believe that quote was directed at you!
In other news...fiby is being a major bitch! Sometimes when she isn't in full force I actually forget about my pain in the ass (literally) sidekick. Just when I'm feeling "normal" she likes to come out in full force and remind me of her presence. She's special like that.
It's been pretty awful lately. That feeling that every single muscle in my body is wound up in the tightest ball, lava flowing through the veins, and the desire to have someone break me into a million pieces. But, it will pass. It always does. I will put on my brave face along with a smile and push through this flare up. The only other option is to give into it and as tempting as it may be on some days, I'm just too damn stubborn to let fiby win.
I think it's time for a music coma now...
10.28.2012
Wedded bliss...
I was a part of a wonderful wedding experience yesterday. It truly was filled with so much love and happiness. I had a great time from beginning to end. I had moments of being emotional through the night and I became intoxicated with it all. I wanted that feeling and that moment.
I'm not saying that I wanted the moment of the walking down the isle in a big pretty gown. In all honesty, I don't really care for that. IF I'm ever to have a wedding expierience I would opt for something small and intimate. No real bells and whistles. There is too much stress in planning a wedding and I feel that the real magic of it all gets robbed. That's just MY opinion. Every other girl can have their big weddings. I never wanted to be Cinderella.
I want the moments that I witnessed when everyone was able to relax. I saw love all around me and not just from the new bride and groom, but from all of the married couples there. And maybe it was just the nostalgia in the air that made them hold extra affection in their hearts, but I wanted that. Those stolen moments on the dance floor where the man would grab his wifes behind thinking that no one would notice. The exchange of their private love language in their eyes. YOu know, when you can just tell someone how you feel with a look, a fleeting glance. It was a beautiful thing to witness and I got lost in it.
I do want that, but not with the ignorance of thinking that love is always rainbows and butterflies. Love can be gruesome. It's two people trying to merge their life into one and isn't that kind of impossible? I mean, we as individuals are always learning and growing and changing. To find someone that is going to learn and grow and change at the same rate as you is near impossible. Loving someone takes an immense amount of patience, encouragement, and willingness to adapt. Let me clarify that I don't think we must really change who we are to love someone. That is not what I mean when I say, "willingness to adapt". Rather, I mean that you have to be willing to bend and be a support when the person you love is changing. It's an inevitable part of life. Who we are today won't be who we are in five years and if you're with someone, you shouldn't discourage that process. It's a balancing act.
Too often I think that people forget that and opt to throw in the towel when life gets thrown in the way of love. It's just easier to give up and do it on your own. I'm not saying that there are not times when you really should end a relationship. Especially if it is unhealthy. You should never stay in a relationship that depletes you of who you are or is abusive (verbally or physically). No, if you are in one of those types of relationships I would advise that you get out and run as fast as you can. You should learn how to really love yourself first and then you can open up your heart to letting someone else love you. But if you don't love yourself first chances are you will continue to allow unhealthy relationships into your life. You're better than that and you deserve more.
Anyways, before I get off on too much of a tangent regarding love. Last night made me really realize that I want that. I want the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want the stolen moments of butt grabs and secret love languages shared in a glance. And I want that knowing that it isn't always going to be easy. After all they do say, "nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy."
I love myself and I know what I deserve and I'm ready to let love in (when it's ready)...
I'm not saying that I wanted the moment of the walking down the isle in a big pretty gown. In all honesty, I don't really care for that. IF I'm ever to have a wedding expierience I would opt for something small and intimate. No real bells and whistles. There is too much stress in planning a wedding and I feel that the real magic of it all gets robbed. That's just MY opinion. Every other girl can have their big weddings. I never wanted to be Cinderella.
I want the moments that I witnessed when everyone was able to relax. I saw love all around me and not just from the new bride and groom, but from all of the married couples there. And maybe it was just the nostalgia in the air that made them hold extra affection in their hearts, but I wanted that. Those stolen moments on the dance floor where the man would grab his wifes behind thinking that no one would notice. The exchange of their private love language in their eyes. YOu know, when you can just tell someone how you feel with a look, a fleeting glance. It was a beautiful thing to witness and I got lost in it.
I do want that, but not with the ignorance of thinking that love is always rainbows and butterflies. Love can be gruesome. It's two people trying to merge their life into one and isn't that kind of impossible? I mean, we as individuals are always learning and growing and changing. To find someone that is going to learn and grow and change at the same rate as you is near impossible. Loving someone takes an immense amount of patience, encouragement, and willingness to adapt. Let me clarify that I don't think we must really change who we are to love someone. That is not what I mean when I say, "willingness to adapt". Rather, I mean that you have to be willing to bend and be a support when the person you love is changing. It's an inevitable part of life. Who we are today won't be who we are in five years and if you're with someone, you shouldn't discourage that process. It's a balancing act.
Too often I think that people forget that and opt to throw in the towel when life gets thrown in the way of love. It's just easier to give up and do it on your own. I'm not saying that there are not times when you really should end a relationship. Especially if it is unhealthy. You should never stay in a relationship that depletes you of who you are or is abusive (verbally or physically). No, if you are in one of those types of relationships I would advise that you get out and run as fast as you can. You should learn how to really love yourself first and then you can open up your heart to letting someone else love you. But if you don't love yourself first chances are you will continue to allow unhealthy relationships into your life. You're better than that and you deserve more.
Anyways, before I get off on too much of a tangent regarding love. Last night made me really realize that I want that. I want the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want the stolen moments of butt grabs and secret love languages shared in a glance. And I want that knowing that it isn't always going to be easy. After all they do say, "nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy."
I love myself and I know what I deserve and I'm ready to let love in (when it's ready)...
10.23.2012
When you give you begin to live...
So, I've been told that I give too much of myself. That I allow myself to be taken advantage of. That I'm too nice! I used to hear those things and take them as criticism. That it was a bad thing to be a giver. Not anymore.
The beautiful thing about growing up is that you learn a lot about yourself and eventually you accept who YOU are! Some people may take slightly longer to come to this point than others, but I like to think that we all (okay, maybe just most) get there! I don't always have my shit together and definitely have moments where I allow people to make me second guess myself or decisions. I think that is normal. Just a part of life and growing. But, for the most part I am who I am and I like it!
I enjoy doing things for other people. If I love and care about you, chances are I'm going to go out of my way to do things for you. That's just who I am. Do not mistake this acceptance of who I am for ignorance. I know full well that this characteristic invites the takers into my life. They can probably spot me a mile away. I know this! I'm still okay with it. Not because I'm okay with people taking advantage of my generosities, but because I know that I can tell when it becomes too much for me.
I'm a giver, but I'm also a very selfish individual. Sounds a little oxymoron-ish, I know. It's just that I have this ability to also tell when I'm giving too much of myself. When I need to retract and soak in some time for myself. I enjoy the shit out of "me time". I need it and I don't apologize for ignoring the outside world from time to time. It's that whole balance thing that you hear people saying you need in your life.
The other nice thing about me is, I can spot someone who is abusing my giving nature (okay, it may take some time to really see it) and I have no problems with cutting them out of my life.
Bottom line: I'd rather have people remembering me for my giving nature than being a heartless bitch.
The beautiful thing about growing up is that you learn a lot about yourself and eventually you accept who YOU are! Some people may take slightly longer to come to this point than others, but I like to think that we all (okay, maybe just most) get there! I don't always have my shit together and definitely have moments where I allow people to make me second guess myself or decisions. I think that is normal. Just a part of life and growing. But, for the most part I am who I am and I like it!
I enjoy doing things for other people. If I love and care about you, chances are I'm going to go out of my way to do things for you. That's just who I am. Do not mistake this acceptance of who I am for ignorance. I know full well that this characteristic invites the takers into my life. They can probably spot me a mile away. I know this! I'm still okay with it. Not because I'm okay with people taking advantage of my generosities, but because I know that I can tell when it becomes too much for me.
I'm a giver, but I'm also a very selfish individual. Sounds a little oxymoron-ish, I know. It's just that I have this ability to also tell when I'm giving too much of myself. When I need to retract and soak in some time for myself. I enjoy the shit out of "me time". I need it and I don't apologize for ignoring the outside world from time to time. It's that whole balance thing that you hear people saying you need in your life.
The other nice thing about me is, I can spot someone who is abusing my giving nature (okay, it may take some time to really see it) and I have no problems with cutting them out of my life.
Bottom line: I'd rather have people remembering me for my giving nature than being a heartless bitch.
10.03.2012
Until the walls come crumbling down...
You may or may not have read in an earlier post that I have a boyfriend. Well, it's true...I do, and I'm officially in the second longest relationship of my life. 7 months with the first longest being 7 years. Huge difference, I know, but I took 7 years in between to reflect and figure out what makes ME happy (super important to do and some take longer than others)! Now, I did date during those 7 years of figuring myself out. Had a few people say that they were "in love" with me and had one person that started the process of opening this closed off heart of mine.
I'm happy in this relationship. Really, really happy! I'm falling head over heals. It's all so exciting and scary. Extremely scary. I haven't felt this kind of happines in a long time...or ever! It's delicious and intoxicating and terrifying.
One probably doesn't expect to see words like scary and terrifying when someone is describing how happy they are. However, I'm kind of a freak when emotions get involved. I was here before. Granted MUCH younger and in a very different place in my life, but I have done this investing of emotions deal before. I gave my all and then some and ultimately failed.
Now here is where I would tell someone that you should never give up on love. Just because it failed once or twice or 100 times, doesn't mean that you shouldn't try. You learn from each relationship and they help you grow. Well, you know what self, this is our heart we're talking about here and it is just not that simple. Actually, for some people it really is that simple. They fall in and out of love like they change their underwear (or at least like I hope they change their underwear...which is daily). That concept is so foreign to me and this heart of mine and I will likely never adapt to that, but kudos to them. For me, emotional love type feelings are a BIG DEAL!!!
So, here I am, entering into the world of emotions. Taking it one baby step at a time. Enjoying the happiness and trying to chip away at the walls that are keeping my heart so guarded. I know that I have to open up if I want this relationship to develop and grow. It isn't fair to him to remain emotionally guarded. He has had failed relationships and he doesn't seem to hold that against me. I should do the same for him. I just need to continue to give this little heart of mine some pep talks. Remind it that it has so much to give and offer and it is ok if it ends up breaking because it will mend...eventually.
I'm just scared of having to go through that process of healing again. It is god awful! Gut wrenching and painful, but I do know that you do come out on the other side. Stronger and with more wisdom. I'm also not saying that I think this relationship is destined for doom, but it's almost like it's too good to be true?! Like, how can I be so lucky!? One person can't have this much happiness wihtout something bad happening. Or, can they?
Clearly my little heart needs more pep talks. I am worthy of this happiness...this is what I keep telling myself. Because if I don't, I'm scared that I'll never really open up and share how I really feel and ruin a good thing. And really, that's more terrifying than expressing my feelings.
Heart, remember that...
I'm happy in this relationship. Really, really happy! I'm falling head over heals. It's all so exciting and scary. Extremely scary. I haven't felt this kind of happines in a long time...or ever! It's delicious and intoxicating and terrifying.
One probably doesn't expect to see words like scary and terrifying when someone is describing how happy they are. However, I'm kind of a freak when emotions get involved. I was here before. Granted MUCH younger and in a very different place in my life, but I have done this investing of emotions deal before. I gave my all and then some and ultimately failed.
Now here is where I would tell someone that you should never give up on love. Just because it failed once or twice or 100 times, doesn't mean that you shouldn't try. You learn from each relationship and they help you grow. Well, you know what self, this is our heart we're talking about here and it is just not that simple. Actually, for some people it really is that simple. They fall in and out of love like they change their underwear (or at least like I hope they change their underwear...which is daily). That concept is so foreign to me and this heart of mine and I will likely never adapt to that, but kudos to them. For me, emotional love type feelings are a BIG DEAL!!!
So, here I am, entering into the world of emotions. Taking it one baby step at a time. Enjoying the happiness and trying to chip away at the walls that are keeping my heart so guarded. I know that I have to open up if I want this relationship to develop and grow. It isn't fair to him to remain emotionally guarded. He has had failed relationships and he doesn't seem to hold that against me. I should do the same for him. I just need to continue to give this little heart of mine some pep talks. Remind it that it has so much to give and offer and it is ok if it ends up breaking because it will mend...eventually.
I'm just scared of having to go through that process of healing again. It is god awful! Gut wrenching and painful, but I do know that you do come out on the other side. Stronger and with more wisdom. I'm also not saying that I think this relationship is destined for doom, but it's almost like it's too good to be true?! Like, how can I be so lucky!? One person can't have this much happiness wihtout something bad happening. Or, can they?
Clearly my little heart needs more pep talks. I am worthy of this happiness...this is what I keep telling myself. Because if I don't, I'm scared that I'll never really open up and share how I really feel and ruin a good thing. And really, that's more terrifying than expressing my feelings.
Heart, remember that...
9.18.2012
Time to be a better sister...
I've stumbled upon a new AMAZING blog! Actually, that's a lie. No stumbling happened. The Madre actually informed me that I needed to read it. I've been obsessed with it ever since.
Please do yourself a favor and go find Momastery (I still have come no further in learning how to correctly blog on my ipad; therefore, no linking to said blog will be happening)! I don't think you will be sorry. We can all relate in one way or another. I've laughed and cried.
For me, this blog has really helped me relate to the sister. At least, I feel like maybe I kind of understand her a little bit better. The sister is a lost soul. A beautiful beautiful, but very lost soul. Due to this, she is floating through this life and doing everything possible to avoid reality.
It also made me feel like I am a shit sister. I'm doing it all wrong and this whole time I thought I was doing it right. I thought all of my tough love would wake her up. It won't. I am slowly realizing this. It does not mean that tough love will not continue. I think there will still be a need for it, but I think I need to step up my role as a support. As a true sister and less of a second mother to her (poor baby has always had two mama's).
The sister has a lot of our father in her. This is a scary reality! The father has a big heart and is a good person, but he is broken. Like the sister, he avoids reality and drowns his pain in wine. Big gallons of it (Carlo Rossi Blush to be exact and sometimes he reverts back to his liquor days). With each sip I'm certain he relaxes as all feelings begin to float away and numbness sets in. I believe that the sister does this in other ways. She won't really admit to it, but all signs are pointing in that general direction. The escape from reality route. The one where she doesn't have to grow up, face her fears, or take responsibility for her life. It's easy for her there in this bubble and it is maddening for those around her that love her.
I wish that I could fix the sister, but I know that she is going to have to figure this out on her own. All that I can really do is provide unconditional love and support. I will have to re-train my brain on how to do this for her. I think that I do a pretty good job at this for my friends. The just listening and giving sound advice when needed. Now I just need to apply this to the sister. Be her safe place because she needs that and she needs that from someone who loves her with an incomparable ferocity.
I'm just the girl for the job...
Please do yourself a favor and go find Momastery (I still have come no further in learning how to correctly blog on my ipad; therefore, no linking to said blog will be happening)! I don't think you will be sorry. We can all relate in one way or another. I've laughed and cried.
For me, this blog has really helped me relate to the sister. At least, I feel like maybe I kind of understand her a little bit better. The sister is a lost soul. A beautiful beautiful, but very lost soul. Due to this, she is floating through this life and doing everything possible to avoid reality.
It also made me feel like I am a shit sister. I'm doing it all wrong and this whole time I thought I was doing it right. I thought all of my tough love would wake her up. It won't. I am slowly realizing this. It does not mean that tough love will not continue. I think there will still be a need for it, but I think I need to step up my role as a support. As a true sister and less of a second mother to her (poor baby has always had two mama's).
The sister has a lot of our father in her. This is a scary reality! The father has a big heart and is a good person, but he is broken. Like the sister, he avoids reality and drowns his pain in wine. Big gallons of it (Carlo Rossi Blush to be exact and sometimes he reverts back to his liquor days). With each sip I'm certain he relaxes as all feelings begin to float away and numbness sets in. I believe that the sister does this in other ways. She won't really admit to it, but all signs are pointing in that general direction. The escape from reality route. The one where she doesn't have to grow up, face her fears, or take responsibility for her life. It's easy for her there in this bubble and it is maddening for those around her that love her.
I wish that I could fix the sister, but I know that she is going to have to figure this out on her own. All that I can really do is provide unconditional love and support. I will have to re-train my brain on how to do this for her. I think that I do a pretty good job at this for my friends. The just listening and giving sound advice when needed. Now I just need to apply this to the sister. Be her safe place because she needs that and she needs that from someone who loves her with an incomparable ferocity.
I'm just the girl for the job...
9.14.2012
emotional rollercoaster (more like the demon drop...look it up)...
Isn't it crazy how quickly your emotions can change? Like a flip of the switch. One moment you are on cloud 9 and the next, you're curled up in the fetal position on the floor crying for your mommy. Most likely the switch in emotion is not that dramatic, but you catch my drift.
I started my day off wonderfully. Entirelly too early, but it was pure bliss for my little heart. My boyfriend (yeah, I have one of those now...so much to catch up on)dropped off his daughter. He works early and I have offered to help out and take the morning duties of getting her ready and off to school (I'm nice). Anyways, that doesn't really matter, but I guess you kind of need a little back story. So, he lays her down and I get in bed hoping to sleep for at least another hour before we really have to be awake. Lil miss had a completely different agenda, but it was sweet and oh so loving and my heart took over my exhaustion. She wrapped her blanket around me (she shares) and put her little arms around my neck, inched up nose to nose, and whispered, "I love you Miss Brandy. I've missed you." Yep, I melted. Right there, just melted and fell even more in love with this little child.
That moment. That quick two minutes carried me on cloud 9 for the majority of the day. Lifted my spirits so high, that nothing could burst it. I was wrong...
A three minute phone conversation with the dad changed it all. Drug me off that cloud and threw me into a puddle of hurt. Hearing that slight slur in his speech with a hint of pain and anger behind every word (I didn't realize it was pain when I was younger, but I do now). With each of those words, I curled deeper and deeper inside of myself. Reverting back to the child who was so confused, scared, angry, and sad. Really really sad. So, to avoid letting him hear me get emotional I had to quickly get off the phone.
That three minutes robbed me of my bliss. Which made me even more sad. It also made me sad because I'm now terrified of actually following through on the trip that I booked to see family in two weeks. It has been three years (or longer) since I have seen most of them. So, this is supposed to be a happy weekend of reuniting (also, it's pretty freaking sad that it's been three years since I've seen my dad and that it doesn't bother me and it's almost NORMAL) and now I'm fairly certain that it will involve many tears. Most visits with him do.
I thought writing would help. It hasn't. Music induced coma it is!
Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day...
9.11.2012
Hiatus, much...
I can't believe that the last time I actually wrote anything was in APRIL! I guess I've been too busy living. But, I've missed this. This moment of reflection and baring a small piece of my soul for anyone who cares to take a peek.
I don't even know where to start with this post and I'm really hoping that my many thoughts and emotions don't leave me so tangled that I can't properly spread them out on this page.
Let's begin with something that has been weighing heavy on me: friendship. By definition it's a relationship between two people who hold mutual affection for each other. It sounds so simple and matter of fact and yet, it is so very complicated. Because people are so very complicated and this thing called "expectation" is bestowed upon the other individual (often times unknowingly). We believe that our friends should hold us in the highest regard and fight for us even when we are wrong. They should always be there when we need them. They should understand exactly how we feel and know exactly what to do or say to make it better (or at least try). And, when these demands aren't met, we secretly pout until it all becomes too much and blows up. Becomes something more than it really is and hurtful words are thrown at us like daggers. Ripping the friendship apart and you are left wondering if it is worth the effort it would take to build it back up. Friendship can be exhausting.
On the flip side, friendship is one of the most beautiful things to share. I, myself, am blessed with some of the most amazing women and consider them to be my soul sisters. They have been there for me in some of my darkest hours and have loved me regardless. They accept me for exactly who I am and that is a beautiful thing!
You're probably wondering where my initial rant came from if I have some amazing soul sisters?!? Well, I recently "lost" a friend and someone that I considered to be someone that I would have in my life forever. It all ended because she had a falling out with a mutual friend. She just doesn't think that our friendship can be the same because I am still friends with the other person. It all sounds silly and childish...and it kind of is!
The sad truth is, I care deeply about both of these people who are arguing. They both see this argument completely different and in their worlds they are both right, but lack of honest communication will continue to tear them apart. As a result, it means that one of them decided that she can't really continue the same kind of friendship that we once shared. All because I won't choose sides and I tried to listen to each of them and give encouragement to talk about how they are feeling.
So, that's how I lost a friend. By being a support to both of my friends. I was angry and hurt, but chalking this up as another lesson learned. Try your best and it may not be enough for someone. They may have set higher expectations for you than you realized. But, at the end of it all, if you can honestly say that you shared mutual affection and grew even a little bit from it, it's not a complete friendship lost. They just may not have been meant to share the rest of your story with you. Keep the good times in your heart and move on.
Exciting news! I have more I want to write. I think this means my writing block is gone (it's probably only a fleeting moment)! I must go now, but I WILL be back...
I don't even know where to start with this post and I'm really hoping that my many thoughts and emotions don't leave me so tangled that I can't properly spread them out on this page.
Let's begin with something that has been weighing heavy on me: friendship. By definition it's a relationship between two people who hold mutual affection for each other. It sounds so simple and matter of fact and yet, it is so very complicated. Because people are so very complicated and this thing called "expectation" is bestowed upon the other individual (often times unknowingly). We believe that our friends should hold us in the highest regard and fight for us even when we are wrong. They should always be there when we need them. They should understand exactly how we feel and know exactly what to do or say to make it better (or at least try). And, when these demands aren't met, we secretly pout until it all becomes too much and blows up. Becomes something more than it really is and hurtful words are thrown at us like daggers. Ripping the friendship apart and you are left wondering if it is worth the effort it would take to build it back up. Friendship can be exhausting.
On the flip side, friendship is one of the most beautiful things to share. I, myself, am blessed with some of the most amazing women and consider them to be my soul sisters. They have been there for me in some of my darkest hours and have loved me regardless. They accept me for exactly who I am and that is a beautiful thing!
You're probably wondering where my initial rant came from if I have some amazing soul sisters?!? Well, I recently "lost" a friend and someone that I considered to be someone that I would have in my life forever. It all ended because she had a falling out with a mutual friend. She just doesn't think that our friendship can be the same because I am still friends with the other person. It all sounds silly and childish...and it kind of is!
The sad truth is, I care deeply about both of these people who are arguing. They both see this argument completely different and in their worlds they are both right, but lack of honest communication will continue to tear them apart. As a result, it means that one of them decided that she can't really continue the same kind of friendship that we once shared. All because I won't choose sides and I tried to listen to each of them and give encouragement to talk about how they are feeling.
So, that's how I lost a friend. By being a support to both of my friends. I was angry and hurt, but chalking this up as another lesson learned. Try your best and it may not be enough for someone. They may have set higher expectations for you than you realized. But, at the end of it all, if you can honestly say that you shared mutual affection and grew even a little bit from it, it's not a complete friendship lost. They just may not have been meant to share the rest of your story with you. Keep the good times in your heart and move on.
Exciting news! I have more I want to write. I think this means my writing block is gone (it's probably only a fleeting moment)! I must go now, but I WILL be back...
4.04.2012
FEEL...
Feel the pain, feel the joy, until you feel you'll surely evaporate. Stop holding back from laughing with your belly, loving from the deepest places of your heart, swooning with the sensuality of life itself. Feel how good it feels to love another human...and if you're lucky, to be loved in return. Feel the warmth inside you when you do the right thing. Feel the fire that's ignited when someone tramples that which matters to you. When another's disregard or arrogance enrages you, feel the anger rise up and roar! Let your honest feelings come through, even the ones that make other people squirm. If you're not truly feelinng, you're not truly alive...you're just going through the motions and getting nothing in return.
I think that I truly feel with almost every aspect of my life. I allow myself to feel the raw emotions that life throws at you and I appreciate all of those moments because they allow you to grow and learn about yourself. There is one part of my life however, that I feel hits a brick wall. The feelings will begin to bubble to the surface and then...I just panic. I can't really describe it any other way.
These feelings that I'm talking about are those that revolve around "romantic" interactions with men. I came close to allowing myself to really feel something for someone two years ago, but I had this gnawing feeling in my gut that it just wasn't right. Something was missing even though I had developed some emotional attachment towards this individual. Cue meeting an individual a year ago and having this instant attraction. At that initial time events did not occur how I would have necessarily wanted them to and there was a portion of time where this person was not in my life in any way. Yet again I had this gnawing gut feeling, but this time it was knowing that this person was not out of my life forever. I knew that our paths would cross again. Those guts...they don't lie!
Flash forward to now and I was right or rather my gut was right! Our paths crossed again alright and events are happening in ways that I like. The problem now lies in the fact that I have feelings for this person. Feelings that I have surely never felt before and quite frankly, they scare the ever living daylights out of me!!! I guess that it is slightly okay that they are scary because anything worth while is a little bit scary at first...right? At least I think I read some inspirational quote that was along those lines.
Part of me feels that if I allow myself to really go there...to that place of letting the walls come crumbling down and open myself up to being "vulnerable", that things will change. That his feelings will change and this thing we have going will just stop. On the other hand, I know that if I don't share much of how I feel or show that I actually have emotions what we have going could stop and I could be left with regret of not really expressing myself. Such a conundrum that I am in!
I should probably just risk it. I do know that if you don't really try, you will never really know how it all could play out. Maybe feelings on his end would change and things would just stop. At least I would know that I put it out there and tried. Or maybe, just maybe, things could work out and I could allow myself to really feel and maybe even fall in that big L word.
One thing that I do know for certain about these feelings that are forming; it is pretty amazing with how far I have come from the insecure individual who was madly in love with the wrong person. How this time I am happy with who I am and what I have to offer. That I know if things don't work out the way I imagine them I know I will be sad, very sad and it will take time to heal, but my world won't fall apart. That I like exactly who he is and have no desire to change him (let's face it most women or even men enter a relationship type situation and think they can change the things they don't like...such fools).
Guess it's time to start pushing past the fear and tear down this wall. It may be brick by brick, but at least it will be progress..right? Baby steps...
I think that I truly feel with almost every aspect of my life. I allow myself to feel the raw emotions that life throws at you and I appreciate all of those moments because they allow you to grow and learn about yourself. There is one part of my life however, that I feel hits a brick wall. The feelings will begin to bubble to the surface and then...I just panic. I can't really describe it any other way.
These feelings that I'm talking about are those that revolve around "romantic" interactions with men. I came close to allowing myself to really feel something for someone two years ago, but I had this gnawing feeling in my gut that it just wasn't right. Something was missing even though I had developed some emotional attachment towards this individual. Cue meeting an individual a year ago and having this instant attraction. At that initial time events did not occur how I would have necessarily wanted them to and there was a portion of time where this person was not in my life in any way. Yet again I had this gnawing gut feeling, but this time it was knowing that this person was not out of my life forever. I knew that our paths would cross again. Those guts...they don't lie!
Flash forward to now and I was right or rather my gut was right! Our paths crossed again alright and events are happening in ways that I like. The problem now lies in the fact that I have feelings for this person. Feelings that I have surely never felt before and quite frankly, they scare the ever living daylights out of me!!! I guess that it is slightly okay that they are scary because anything worth while is a little bit scary at first...right? At least I think I read some inspirational quote that was along those lines.
Part of me feels that if I allow myself to really go there...to that place of letting the walls come crumbling down and open myself up to being "vulnerable", that things will change. That his feelings will change and this thing we have going will just stop. On the other hand, I know that if I don't share much of how I feel or show that I actually have emotions what we have going could stop and I could be left with regret of not really expressing myself. Such a conundrum that I am in!
I should probably just risk it. I do know that if you don't really try, you will never really know how it all could play out. Maybe feelings on his end would change and things would just stop. At least I would know that I put it out there and tried. Or maybe, just maybe, things could work out and I could allow myself to really feel and maybe even fall in that big L word.
One thing that I do know for certain about these feelings that are forming; it is pretty amazing with how far I have come from the insecure individual who was madly in love with the wrong person. How this time I am happy with who I am and what I have to offer. That I know if things don't work out the way I imagine them I know I will be sad, very sad and it will take time to heal, but my world won't fall apart. That I like exactly who he is and have no desire to change him (let's face it most women or even men enter a relationship type situation and think they can change the things they don't like...such fools).
Guess it's time to start pushing past the fear and tear down this wall. It may be brick by brick, but at least it will be progress..right? Baby steps...
4.02.2012
Note THAT in your funnies...
The anticipated 50th birthday cruise was this past week! Actually, just arrived home from the trip today and it was a GREAT time and I'll def fill y'all in on the fun filled times, but today we are just going to recap the funnies. There were many moments that had the madre, sister, and myself full on belly laughing; however, I only wrote a few down. Most of these probably won't have the same affect on you, but hopefully you get a giggle.
Scenario: We just arrived on the ship and are sitting on the main deck by the pool waiting for some drinks...
Madre: Hey, I have an idea! (mind you we never heard what her idea was)
Me: you sound like Dora the Explorer.
Madre: I don't watch Dora...she speaks Spanish!!! (NOT because she's 50, but because she speaks Spanish...way to go Madre)
a few minutes later...
Madre: Is that the water taxi that takes you from Mt. Pleasant to Charleston? I thought they stopped that? I'd like to ride that!
Me: I bet you would like to ride that...you dirty girl!!!
Scenario: We finally have our drinks and the sister takes a sip of hers. Madre notices this disgusting look that the sister gets EVERY time that she takes a swig...which brings on a convo about a recent dr's visit with the sister and madre...
Madre: I just had the pleasure of being in a confined space with you while you were throwing up in every garbage possible.
Sister: my tummy doesn't like alcohol. That's probably why I gag when I drink.
Madre: yeah...you should think about not drinking.
Sister: But every other part of my body likes it!
Scenario: Madre and I are on the main deck/eating area and I'm in line getting some breakfast. Madre is patiently waiting and then approaches me...
Madre: the boys all like your milkshake on the block!
Me: What I think you meant to say is..."my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard". What even made you say that...all I'm doing is getting a bagel?
Madre: I saw that guy looking at your butt.
Scenario: sitting on the Serentity (adults only) deck and Madre is eating a banana...
Me: Do you think it's awkward to watch people eat a banana?
Madre: ummm no...not until you just said something.
Me: Eat that banana...put it in your mouth!!!
Madre...had a hard time finishing the banana after that
Scenario: we are at dinner and belly laughing really hard because of this mark that magically appeared on the madre's mouth half way through dinner (which we lovingly referred to as Herp)...
Sister: My abs hurt and I think it's because we are laughing so much.
Madre: that's pitiful! Notebook that Brandy!!!
Good times...
Scenario: We just arrived on the ship and are sitting on the main deck by the pool waiting for some drinks...
Madre: Hey, I have an idea! (mind you we never heard what her idea was)
Me: you sound like Dora the Explorer.
Madre: I don't watch Dora...she speaks Spanish!!! (NOT because she's 50, but because she speaks Spanish...way to go Madre)
a few minutes later...
Madre: Is that the water taxi that takes you from Mt. Pleasant to Charleston? I thought they stopped that? I'd like to ride that!
Me: I bet you would like to ride that...you dirty girl!!!
Scenario: We finally have our drinks and the sister takes a sip of hers. Madre notices this disgusting look that the sister gets EVERY time that she takes a swig...which brings on a convo about a recent dr's visit with the sister and madre...
Madre: I just had the pleasure of being in a confined space with you while you were throwing up in every garbage possible.
Sister: my tummy doesn't like alcohol. That's probably why I gag when I drink.
Madre: yeah...you should think about not drinking.
Sister: But every other part of my body likes it!
Scenario: Madre and I are on the main deck/eating area and I'm in line getting some breakfast. Madre is patiently waiting and then approaches me...
Madre: the boys all like your milkshake on the block!
Me: What I think you meant to say is..."my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard". What even made you say that...all I'm doing is getting a bagel?
Madre: I saw that guy looking at your butt.
Scenario: sitting on the Serentity (adults only) deck and Madre is eating a banana...
Me: Do you think it's awkward to watch people eat a banana?
Madre: ummm no...not until you just said something.
Me: Eat that banana...put it in your mouth!!!
Madre...had a hard time finishing the banana after that
Scenario: we are at dinner and belly laughing really hard because of this mark that magically appeared on the madre's mouth half way through dinner (which we lovingly referred to as Herp)...
Sister: My abs hurt and I think it's because we are laughing so much.
Madre: that's pitiful! Notebook that Brandy!!!
Good times...
3.06.2012
Keeping up with the 101...
So, I've pretty much been neglecting the blogging as of late. Not really because I don't have things to write, but more because every time that I go to write something, I hate it! I keep thinking that it's just a phase that I'm going through, but this "phase" seems to be lasting longer than I'd like. Anyways, tonight I'm not writing to tell you why I haven't been writing. Nope...I'm going to catch you up on my little 101 things I want to accomplish in 1001 days (which I've also been slacking on).
Let's recap the things that I actually have accomplished:
11) visit the dr. on the regular to get fiby under control...
For those of you who do not know what fiby is, it is my little nickname for this little condition I have called fibromyalgia. Short version is: I live in some level of pain every single day of my life. Longer version can be found on my blog under the "Dear Fiby" section.
So, I really dislike doctors and have always felt very uncomfortable sitting on the examining table while they fire out a million questions that I can never seem to answer. However, now that I'm blessed with fiby as my little side-kick for life, I figured that if I want to seriously start the journey of feeling better it may have to include a doctor. So, for the past 6 months now I have been visiting Dr. North and I really like her! She has tried me on a few different types of medication and now we have it narrowed down to an anti-seizure medicine (supposed to help with the whole "not being able to sleep" thing) and a muscle relaxer for days when it's really bad. Seems to be working.
27) be debt free...
This one I'm REALLY excited about!!! I finally did it...debt free baby!!! I highly recommend that everyone work towards this goal. The key is to be realistic about the goal and to set up a monthly budget plan and of course stick to it! If I can do this, I really think that just about anyone can accomplish this goal.
43) surprise madre with a vacation for her 50th...
I think that I was more excited about surprising the madre than she was about the surprise! Don't get me wrong...she loved it, but I was over the moon giddy for weeks about actually being able to do something really nice for her. She deserves it and so much more for being the amazing mother/woman that she is! I will be taking her and the sister (yeah, the sister got majorly lucky and got included on the deal) on a 5 day cruise to the Bahamas!!
I'm pretty proud of myself for how I surprised her with it as well! The sister and I went in together to buy her a nice set of knives (you seriously couldn't cut butter with the knives she had...okay, so you could cut butter, but you get the point) and put the itinerary in the box. I expected to just give her a phone call and talk to her about how excited she was when she opened the gift, but the Madre actually came to see me and have dinner! During dinner I was so excited to have her open the gift and couldn't stop talking about it. So, you can imagine her confusion when she opened the box of knives. Oddly, she was still confused when she opened the box and saw the itinerary. Her exact words, "What is this?". After the shock wore away, the excitement came out. Now we are counting down the days until March 28th when we will be cruising away to sunshine, beaches, and booze!
56) buy an Xbox...
I'm finally into the new world of gaming! Let's just say that my obsession with Dr. Mario has taken a serious backseat and I think he's pissed! I didn't even know that I would enjoy it as much as I do and thanks to an amazing individual, I've been able to borrow some games and see what I really like. So far my speed is more Fable 2 and less Gears of War.
OH, I almost forgot...I got the xbox 360/kinect bundle. It was supposed to come with some zumba game, but the store was completely out of it. I was able to bargain with the sales clerk and get the Dance Central 2 game for FREE! That game is 100% my speed and you can catch me "shaking what my momma gave me" frequently.
69) stretch every morning to help with fiby...
I have been doing this and in my mind I look like a drunk trying to do gymnastics on a bed. Now you're trying to imagine what that would look like...I hope you're getting a good laugh! Even though I probably look ridiculous, the stretching does seem to be helping!
There you have it...the 5 whole things that I've been able to cross off of the 101 things I'm holding myself to doing. Not really doing that great of a job at keeping up with that either! 89 more to go...
Let's recap the things that I actually have accomplished:
11) visit the dr. on the regular to get fiby under control...
For those of you who do not know what fiby is, it is my little nickname for this little condition I have called fibromyalgia. Short version is: I live in some level of pain every single day of my life. Longer version can be found on my blog under the "Dear Fiby" section.
So, I really dislike doctors and have always felt very uncomfortable sitting on the examining table while they fire out a million questions that I can never seem to answer. However, now that I'm blessed with fiby as my little side-kick for life, I figured that if I want to seriously start the journey of feeling better it may have to include a doctor. So, for the past 6 months now I have been visiting Dr. North and I really like her! She has tried me on a few different types of medication and now we have it narrowed down to an anti-seizure medicine (supposed to help with the whole "not being able to sleep" thing) and a muscle relaxer for days when it's really bad. Seems to be working.
27) be debt free...
This one I'm REALLY excited about!!! I finally did it...debt free baby!!! I highly recommend that everyone work towards this goal. The key is to be realistic about the goal and to set up a monthly budget plan and of course stick to it! If I can do this, I really think that just about anyone can accomplish this goal.
43) surprise madre with a vacation for her 50th...
I think that I was more excited about surprising the madre than she was about the surprise! Don't get me wrong...she loved it, but I was over the moon giddy for weeks about actually being able to do something really nice for her. She deserves it and so much more for being the amazing mother/woman that she is! I will be taking her and the sister (yeah, the sister got majorly lucky and got included on the deal) on a 5 day cruise to the Bahamas!!
I'm pretty proud of myself for how I surprised her with it as well! The sister and I went in together to buy her a nice set of knives (you seriously couldn't cut butter with the knives she had...okay, so you could cut butter, but you get the point) and put the itinerary in the box. I expected to just give her a phone call and talk to her about how excited she was when she opened the gift, but the Madre actually came to see me and have dinner! During dinner I was so excited to have her open the gift and couldn't stop talking about it. So, you can imagine her confusion when she opened the box of knives. Oddly, she was still confused when she opened the box and saw the itinerary. Her exact words, "What is this?". After the shock wore away, the excitement came out. Now we are counting down the days until March 28th when we will be cruising away to sunshine, beaches, and booze!
56) buy an Xbox...
I'm finally into the new world of gaming! Let's just say that my obsession with Dr. Mario has taken a serious backseat and I think he's pissed! I didn't even know that I would enjoy it as much as I do and thanks to an amazing individual, I've been able to borrow some games and see what I really like. So far my speed is more Fable 2 and less Gears of War.
OH, I almost forgot...I got the xbox 360/kinect bundle. It was supposed to come with some zumba game, but the store was completely out of it. I was able to bargain with the sales clerk and get the Dance Central 2 game for FREE! That game is 100% my speed and you can catch me "shaking what my momma gave me" frequently.
69) stretch every morning to help with fiby...
I have been doing this and in my mind I look like a drunk trying to do gymnastics on a bed. Now you're trying to imagine what that would look like...I hope you're getting a good laugh! Even though I probably look ridiculous, the stretching does seem to be helping!
There you have it...the 5 whole things that I've been able to cross off of the 101 things I'm holding myself to doing. Not really doing that great of a job at keeping up with that either! 89 more to go...
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