ramblings...

I have a need to write...it helps make a small piece of my world feel whole. I'm not extremely talented (not even a little bit talented) and it's not something that I do for anyone other than myself. So, why do I make it public? I don't know...I get something out of sharing I guess.

Tonight, I can't promise to make sense, but I just felt a need to write. To listen to good music and write. I have kind of been neglecting this outlet lately. Not that I have not wanted to write, but just that I haven't wanted to share my thoughts. Been too tired and have too many other things going on. I have needed to take some things in and really spin them around in my head and digest them.

I've been feeling out of sorts. Thinking that it is time for change, but what would I change? I love where I live and I adore the people in my life. Every single day when I make the drive home from work I feel overwhelmingly thankful. My surroundings are truly breathtaking and I'm so lucky! I adore the friends that I have here. So, why do I feel alone?

I feel (warning: this is my perspective) that as a friend I'm pretty darn giving. When I care about someone and say that I love them...I mean it! I know that I can care too much and can be a sentimental sap. My ways of showing that I care are usually through mushy sayings, big bear hugs, or lending an open ear so that you can pour your heart out. I'll go places with you just so you don't have to be alone. I'll travel hours out of my way to be there during a tough situation. I'll send you 100 texts throughout the day to check up and just let you know that I care. Because this is all that I know how to do. It may not be enough and it may not be exactly what is needed, but that is what I offer.

Now don't get it twisted...I am not the ideal friend. I avoid actually picking up the phone and calling as much as I can (not a fan of talking on the phone). I can put my two sense in and tell you what I think you need to hear instead of telling you what you want to hear. I forget to send a card for birthdays and sometimes have a hard time remembering the actual day (I blame my shitty memory for this). I am far from a perfect friend, but I am not FAKE! Trust me, if I don't like you, you will know it. I won't be mean (unless you are a real ass and deserve it), but I'm not going out of my way to pay you any mind.

I'm fairly certain that these feelings I've been having have everything to do with me and nothing to do with people around me. I need to take a step back and examine myself. What am I putting out to the world? What do I need to learn from this to be a stronger/better person? But, don't you ever have moments when you want to stop being the strong person? To want to have someone who can carry your burdens for a little while? Being strong can be exhausting at times. However, I find writing this is making me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable...even thought about deleting the whole post a few times, but that kind of defeats the purpose of this outlet...right?

I just have an over crowded brain right now! I need to allow myself to deal with some things from my recent past. I have to let go of some friends reactions to some of those things. Maybe this is a start to that process? Maybe I can rid the feeling of being alone in a place I love. Maybe I won't have to leave. Or maybe an opportunity will present itself and I will leave and I will grow and learn and become a better person? I'd like to think that go or stay this hiccup in my world will lead to bigger and better. Lord knows I've experienced MANY hiccups in my life and I always end up better because of them. It's just harder to see it when you're in it...you know?

Oh dear...this was one heck of a rambling session. If you've made it this far...congrats/sorry! You got a glimpse of my hectic brain.

Also...I've been challenging myself lately. To be more honest about my feelings despite feeling vulnerable. To throw more caution to the wind instead of calculating every risk. This post is an attempt to that challenge.