FEEL...

Feel the pain, feel the joy, until you feel you'll surely evaporate. Stop holding back from laughing with your belly, loving from the deepest places of your heart, swooning with the sensuality of life itself. Feel how good it feels to love another human...and if you're lucky, to be loved in return. Feel the warmth inside you when you do the right thing. Feel the fire that's ignited when someone tramples that which matters to you. When another's disregard or arrogance enrages you, feel the anger rise up and roar! Let your honest feelings come through, even the ones that make other people squirm. If you're not truly feelinng, you're not truly alive...you're just going through the motions and getting nothing in return.

I think that I truly feel with almost every aspect of my life. I allow myself to feel the raw emotions that life throws at you and I appreciate all of those moments because they allow you to grow and learn about yourself. There is one part of my life however, that I feel hits a brick wall. The feelings will begin to bubble to the surface and then...I just panic. I can't really describe it any other way.

These feelings that I'm talking about are those that revolve around "romantic" interactions with men. I came close to allowing myself to really feel something for someone two years ago, but I had this gnawing feeling in my gut that it just wasn't right. Something was missing even though I had developed some emotional attachment towards this individual. Cue meeting an individual a year ago and having this instant attraction. At that initial time events did not occur how I would have necessarily wanted them to and there was a portion of time where this person was not in my life in any way. Yet again I had this gnawing gut feeling, but this time it was knowing that this person was not out of my life forever. I knew that our paths would cross again. Those guts...they don't lie!

Flash forward to now and I was right or rather my gut was right! Our paths crossed again alright and events are happening in ways that I like. The problem now lies in the fact that I have feelings for this person. Feelings that I have surely never felt before and quite frankly, they scare the ever living daylights out of me!!! I guess that it is slightly okay that they are scary because anything worth while is a little bit scary at first...right? At least I think I read some inspirational quote that was along those lines.

Part of me feels that if I allow myself to really go there...to that place of letting the walls come crumbling down and open myself up to being "vulnerable", that things will change. That his feelings will change and this thing we have going will just stop. On the other hand, I know that if I don't share much of how I feel or show that I actually have emotions what we have going could stop and I could be left with regret of not really expressing myself. Such a conundrum that I am in!

I should probably just risk it. I do know that if you don't really try, you will never really know how it all could play out. Maybe feelings on his end would change and things would just stop. At least I would know that I put it out there and tried. Or maybe, just maybe, things could work out and I could allow myself to really feel and maybe even fall in that big L word.

One thing that I do know for certain about these feelings that are forming; it is pretty amazing with how far I have come from the insecure individual who was madly in love with the wrong person. How this time I am happy with who I am and what I have to offer. That I know if things don't work out the way I imagine them I know I will be sad, very sad and it will take time to heal, but my world won't fall apart. That I like exactly who he is and have no desire to change him (let's face it most women or even men enter a relationship type situation and think they can change the things they don't like...such fools).

Guess it's time to start pushing past the fear and tear down this wall. It may be brick by brick, but at least it will be progress..right? Baby steps...

Note THAT in your funnies...

The anticipated 50th birthday cruise was this past week! Actually, just arrived home from the trip today and it was a GREAT time and I'll def fill y'all in on the fun filled times, but today we are just going to recap the funnies. There were many moments that had the madre, sister, and myself full on belly laughing; however, I only wrote a few down. Most of these probably won't have the same affect on you, but hopefully you get a giggle.

Scenario: We just arrived on the ship and are sitting on the main deck by the pool waiting for some drinks...
Madre: Hey, I have an idea! (mind you we never heard what her idea was)
Me: you sound like Dora the Explorer.
Madre: I don't watch Dora...she speaks Spanish!!! (NOT because she's 50, but because she speaks Spanish...way to go Madre)

a few minutes later...
Madre: Is that the water taxi that takes you from Mt. Pleasant to Charleston? I thought they stopped that? I'd like to ride that!
Me: I bet you would like to ride that...you dirty girl!!!

Scenario: We finally have our drinks and the sister takes a sip of hers. Madre notices this disgusting look that the sister gets EVERY time that she takes a swig...which brings on a convo about a recent dr's visit with the sister and madre...
Madre: I just had the pleasure of being in a confined space with you while you were throwing up in every garbage possible.
Sister: my tummy doesn't like alcohol. That's probably why I gag when I drink.
Madre: yeah...you should think about not drinking.
Sister: But every other part of my body likes it!

Scenario: Madre and I are on the main deck/eating area and I'm in line getting some breakfast. Madre is patiently waiting and then approaches me...
Madre: the boys all like your milkshake on the block!
Me: What I think you meant to say is..."my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard". What even made you say that...all I'm doing is getting a bagel?
Madre: I saw that guy looking at your butt.

Scenario: sitting on the Serentity (adults only) deck and Madre is eating a banana...
Me: Do you think it's awkward to watch people eat a banana?
Madre: ummm no...not until you just said something.
Me: Eat that banana...put it in your mouth!!!
Madre...had a hard time finishing the banana after that

Scenario: we are at dinner and belly laughing really hard because of this mark that magically appeared on the madre's mouth half way through dinner (which we lovingly referred to as Herp)...
Sister: My abs hurt and I think it's because we are laughing so much.
Madre: that's pitiful! Notebook that Brandy!!!


Good times...

Keeping up with the 101...

So, I've pretty much been neglecting the blogging as of late. Not really because I don't have things to write, but more because every time that I go to write something, I hate it! I keep thinking that it's just a phase that I'm going through, but this "phase" seems to be lasting longer than I'd like. Anyways, tonight I'm not writing to tell you why I haven't been writing. Nope...I'm going to catch you up on my little 101 things I want to accomplish in 1001 days (which I've also been slacking on).

Let's recap the things that I actually have accomplished:

11) visit the dr. on the regular to get fiby under control...
For those of you who do not know what fiby is, it is my little nickname for this little condition I have called fibromyalgia. Short version is: I live in some level of pain every single day of my life. Longer version can be found on my blog under the "Dear Fiby" section.

So, I really dislike doctors and have always felt very uncomfortable sitting on the examining table while they fire out a million questions that I can never seem to answer. However, now that I'm blessed with fiby as my little side-kick for life, I figured that if I want to seriously start the journey of feeling better it may have to include a doctor. So, for the past 6 months now I have been visiting Dr. North and I really like her! She has tried me on a few different types of medication and now we have it narrowed down to an anti-seizure medicine (supposed to help with the whole "not being able to sleep" thing) and a muscle relaxer for days when it's really bad. Seems to be working.

27) be debt free...
This one I'm REALLY excited about!!! I finally did it...debt free baby!!! I highly recommend that everyone work towards this goal. The key is to be realistic about the goal and to set up a monthly budget plan and of course stick to it! If I can do this, I really think that just about anyone can accomplish this goal.

43) surprise madre with a vacation for her 50th...
I think that I was more excited about surprising the madre than she was about the surprise! Don't get me wrong...she loved it, but I was over the moon giddy for weeks about actually being able to do something really nice for her. She deserves it and so much more for being the amazing mother/woman that she is! I will be taking her and the sister (yeah, the sister got majorly lucky and got included on the deal) on a 5 day cruise to the Bahamas!!

I'm pretty proud of myself for how I surprised her with it as well! The sister and I went in together to buy her a nice set of knives (you seriously couldn't cut butter with the knives she had...okay, so you could cut butter, but you get the point) and put the itinerary in the box. I expected to just give her a phone call and talk to her about how excited she was when she opened the gift, but the Madre actually came to see me and have dinner! During dinner I was so excited to have her open the gift and couldn't stop talking about it. So, you can imagine her confusion when she opened the box of knives. Oddly, she was still confused when she opened the box and saw the itinerary. Her exact words, "What is this?". After the shock wore away, the excitement came out. Now we are counting down the days until March 28th when we will be cruising away to sunshine, beaches, and booze!

56) buy an Xbox...
I'm finally into the new world of gaming! Let's just say that my obsession with Dr. Mario has taken a serious backseat and I think he's pissed! I didn't even know that I would enjoy it as much as I do and thanks to an amazing individual, I've been able to borrow some games and see what I really like. So far my speed is more Fable 2 and less Gears of War.

OH, I almost forgot...I got the xbox 360/kinect bundle. It was supposed to come with some zumba game, but the store was completely out of it. I was able to bargain with the sales clerk and get the Dance Central 2 game for FREE! That game is 100% my speed and you can catch me "shaking what my momma gave me" frequently.

69) stretch every morning to help with fiby...
I have been doing this and in my mind I look like a drunk trying to do gymnastics on a bed. Now you're trying to imagine what that would look like...I hope you're getting a good laugh! Even though I probably look ridiculous, the stretching does seem to be helping!

There you have it...the 5 whole things that I've been able to cross off of the 101 things I'm holding myself to doing. Not really doing that great of a job at keeping up with that either! 89 more to go...