It has been over a month since my last entry. Again, not for lack of things to write. In fact, there have been so many events that have happened. So many different emotions that are swirling around. So many moments where I have wanted to come running to my keyboard and just let it all pour out. But, then life happens and I allow things to get in the way of my time to have this moment of release. Doubts set it and parts of me doesn't want to share too much. So, I may type a few sentences and then delete my efforts, put my keyboard away, and lay down with hopes that I'll find the time and mood to write the next day.
I have started a new journey in my life. A journey to conquer my beasts that are stress and anxiety. These beasts play into the agony of fiby and after a particularly rough weekend both mentally and physically, I had this burning desire to change it. It was the push I needed to start doing something for myself. One would think the natural thing to do would call up the doctor and start popping some pills to manage these demons. However, I have a strong dislike for doctors and for taking medicine. NOT that I do not believe that there are legitmate times when both are needed. They very much are, but I know myself and I know that is not what is best for me. Not until I exhaust every other natural option that there is.
So on the Monday after the very exhausting weekend, I consulted the "book of knowledge" as my boyfriend likes to call it (that would be google). I searched for therapists in my surrounding area and came up with at least 15 to choose from. Most of which I quickly glanced over and made the quick assumption that they were not for me. Then, I happened upon the lady that I am currently seeing. There was something about the quick blurb about her practice that caught my eye and made me look into her practice a little further. So I visited her website and read about hypnotherapy and decided this was something that I really wanted to try. It is a bit uncovnentional and not something that I would have went searching for on my own, but I felt a pull towards this type of therapy. I think life has a way of doing that. Pulling you where you need to go.
I emailed her that same day and expressed what I was looking to gain from this. Guidence and tools that I can use to better manage my stress and anxiety. I gave a quick description of what is currently going on in my life that lead me to searching for this tool. She called me that afternoon and we had a great 15 minute conversation. Have you ever had moments where you met someone and felt an instant connection in one form or another? That is what it felt like talking with her. I felt comfortable and open and at complete ease. I left the conversation excited and eager to finally meet her and see what this could do for me.
I am not new to therapy. I have tried this route in my early adulthood and I can't say that it was the best or worst thing that I have ever done. I just knew that I wasn't looking to just sit in someones office and spill my insides out and have them nod and listen and give me a line. I wanted someone who would make me do some soul searching. Put a little work into this because I know that the healing of my life will come from me. I have to do the hard work. It is just nice to have someone who can guide you and give you the tools to do so. I am happy to say that this is what I am getting with my hypnotherapist.
I am learning to manage stress and anxiety. I am learning to better communicate my feelings and what is important to me. To not push them aside in fear of them being a burden to others. Which has been a source of relief and has allowed me to communicate on a different level. I know that I still have work ahead of me, but it has been an empowering experience and one I'm happy to share with anyone who cares to actually read this.
When it comes to your emotional well being, I don't think that anyone should be ashamed of what they do to better the person that they are. There is a negative connotation that usually goes along with therapy, but I don't believe that it shows weakness in someone. I think quite the opposite. It takes great courage to meet with someone and actively work on bettering yourself. I will acknowledge that it may not be for everyone, but if you are toying with the idea I suggest you do some research of the therapists in your area and the methods they use and just try it.
"Everything that happens is meant to help move you into your greater self."
Showing posts with label Lessons learned. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lessons learned. Show all posts
6.16.2013
4.12.2013
LIfe's Challenge...
"When we least expect if, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait, Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide wheter or not to accept our destiny."
Every single person is going to be faced with a challenge in their life. There is no escaping it! They will present themselves in different shapes and sizes and at a moments notice. They will show up at your doorstep the moment that you feel like things are finally settling down and making sense. They will shove their way through the door, unpack their bags, and stay until you learn the secret lesson they're meant to teach. And, if you don't quite learn it the first go around, they will happily show up down the road in different form until you do. Then, when you have that challenge nailed and you're feeling all hunky dory (yeah, I just said that!), a whole new one will arrive. That's life.
I am no stranger to Life's challenges. Some have taken me down to the darkest places where it took me significant time to find my way back up. While others came and went. I have felt defeated and alone at times, but there was always some little glimmer of strength that pulled me through. I am not sure where it evolved from. Maybe it was my fight to not become like someone close to me. Someone who decided to sink and just exist, but not live. Then again, it could also be that I have another person close to me who was faced with many dark challenges and always rose above. Most likely, it is a combination of the two. For that I am thankful!
I believe it is all about how you face those Challenges. I don't think there is one right way to learn from them. I do; however, feel that there is one way to fail and that is by avoiding or hiding from them. It may seem like it works for some time, but they will start to invade your life and leave you crippled. You can either learn or you can slowly suffocate. You can face them head on or let them back you up into a corner. The choice is really yours!!
The beautiful thing about Life's challenges is that you're constantly learning about yourself (if you allow it). Realizing that you can, in fact, handle much more than you thought you could. Always evolving into the person you're supposed to become. And don't we want to always be evolving? Because when the moment comes that we are done learning and becoming more of who we are, we're just existing or we're expired. And, I don't want either of those realities.
I have to remind myself of these things because when you're in a life lesson that reality can become clouded. It can feel impossible to overcome or unfair. You may even want to throw yourself on the ground and throw a tantrum like a three year old (no? Just me?)! I won't. I'm pretty good at keeping it together. I just need moments of remembering that I can do this, whatever this may be at the moment. I know that my future self will look back on this with fond reflection of how far I have come and I'll walk away with more ammo for future challenges. But, in this moment, I'm needing a lot of reminding.
I think 2013 is going to be a year of great love and great life lessons! No need to worry, I've got this (even if I need to shower myself with reminders)...
Every single person is going to be faced with a challenge in their life. There is no escaping it! They will present themselves in different shapes and sizes and at a moments notice. They will show up at your doorstep the moment that you feel like things are finally settling down and making sense. They will shove their way through the door, unpack their bags, and stay until you learn the secret lesson they're meant to teach. And, if you don't quite learn it the first go around, they will happily show up down the road in different form until you do. Then, when you have that challenge nailed and you're feeling all hunky dory (yeah, I just said that!), a whole new one will arrive. That's life.
I am no stranger to Life's challenges. Some have taken me down to the darkest places where it took me significant time to find my way back up. While others came and went. I have felt defeated and alone at times, but there was always some little glimmer of strength that pulled me through. I am not sure where it evolved from. Maybe it was my fight to not become like someone close to me. Someone who decided to sink and just exist, but not live. Then again, it could also be that I have another person close to me who was faced with many dark challenges and always rose above. Most likely, it is a combination of the two. For that I am thankful!
I believe it is all about how you face those Challenges. I don't think there is one right way to learn from them. I do; however, feel that there is one way to fail and that is by avoiding or hiding from them. It may seem like it works for some time, but they will start to invade your life and leave you crippled. You can either learn or you can slowly suffocate. You can face them head on or let them back you up into a corner. The choice is really yours!!
The beautiful thing about Life's challenges is that you're constantly learning about yourself (if you allow it). Realizing that you can, in fact, handle much more than you thought you could. Always evolving into the person you're supposed to become. And don't we want to always be evolving? Because when the moment comes that we are done learning and becoming more of who we are, we're just existing or we're expired. And, I don't want either of those realities.
I have to remind myself of these things because when you're in a life lesson that reality can become clouded. It can feel impossible to overcome or unfair. You may even want to throw yourself on the ground and throw a tantrum like a three year old (no? Just me?)! I won't. I'm pretty good at keeping it together. I just need moments of remembering that I can do this, whatever this may be at the moment. I know that my future self will look back on this with fond reflection of how far I have come and I'll walk away with more ammo for future challenges. But, in this moment, I'm needing a lot of reminding.
I think 2013 is going to be a year of great love and great life lessons! No need to worry, I've got this (even if I need to shower myself with reminders)...
3.19.2013
Scattered thoughts...
It has been a little while since my last entry. I do this often. Get on a little roll and then disappear for days, weeks, or maybe even months. It is not for lack of thoughts flowing and itching to get out, but rather my super critical side kicks in. I start doubting my writing and wonder if maybe I'm divulging too much of my inner thoughts. I have envy for those who can bleed at the fingertips and share with whomever happens upon their blog. They are brave souls and I would love to know how they do it without having a panic attack after hitting the post button!? It's a scary thing, sharing your soul with complete strangers. But, here I am, trying to get back on the horse...
Since my last post, I have experienced more roller coaster emotions. Have had several highs and a few lows. I'm happy to say that the highs are lasting longer and the lows are fleeting moments. I'm learning to trust in a new light, forgiving those who caused the hurt, and focusing on a brighter tomorrow.
I tend to look for the lessons in the painful situations I'm faced with. It seems to help me process and move forward. It sounds simple and easy, but the honest truth is, I would not be able to tell anyone HOW to do this! Not a clue. It is just something that I do. It usually involves serious internal turmoil and then just one day...BAM, the lesson is right there in my face and I use that as my focal point to move forward.
The most recent events have taught me that I have someone in my life that I want to work through the struggles that relationships are faced with. I don't want to run when things get hard. I want to do this right and that requires a lot of hard work, compromise, patience, and forgivness. It takes both parties working hard at those things to make something last and this situation showed me that I have someone who is willing to fight for it. Isn't that what we all want? Someone who doesn't want to run during the tough times, because there will always be challenges and it's nice to have someone with you during them.
In other news, fiby has been being a major bitch lately! Those who know me and want to know what it's like to live with fibromyalgia always ask me to describe it. My typical answer is, I am in some sort of pain every single day of my life. I find that they don't really want to know the truth because it makes them feel uncomfortable and I'm sure they wish they could empathize, but there is no way to really understand unless you live it. Basically, just imagine that on good days you hurt and on bad days you feel that the only real source of relief is through some form of mutilation to your body.
I'm hoping to get my act together and really start focusing on the natural ways to help tame my sidekick. When I'm not in pain and helping everyone else of course! HA!!! One day I will really focus on my health and be reporting about more good days rather than days where I want to chop off body parts. One day...
Now, time to do some front porch sitting and listening to great music to escape for a little while. Hopefully it is not weeks before the next entry...
Since my last post, I have experienced more roller coaster emotions. Have had several highs and a few lows. I'm happy to say that the highs are lasting longer and the lows are fleeting moments. I'm learning to trust in a new light, forgiving those who caused the hurt, and focusing on a brighter tomorrow.
I tend to look for the lessons in the painful situations I'm faced with. It seems to help me process and move forward. It sounds simple and easy, but the honest truth is, I would not be able to tell anyone HOW to do this! Not a clue. It is just something that I do. It usually involves serious internal turmoil and then just one day...BAM, the lesson is right there in my face and I use that as my focal point to move forward.
The most recent events have taught me that I have someone in my life that I want to work through the struggles that relationships are faced with. I don't want to run when things get hard. I want to do this right and that requires a lot of hard work, compromise, patience, and forgivness. It takes both parties working hard at those things to make something last and this situation showed me that I have someone who is willing to fight for it. Isn't that what we all want? Someone who doesn't want to run during the tough times, because there will always be challenges and it's nice to have someone with you during them.
In other news, fiby has been being a major bitch lately! Those who know me and want to know what it's like to live with fibromyalgia always ask me to describe it. My typical answer is, I am in some sort of pain every single day of my life. I find that they don't really want to know the truth because it makes them feel uncomfortable and I'm sure they wish they could empathize, but there is no way to really understand unless you live it. Basically, just imagine that on good days you hurt and on bad days you feel that the only real source of relief is through some form of mutilation to your body.
I'm hoping to get my act together and really start focusing on the natural ways to help tame my sidekick. When I'm not in pain and helping everyone else of course! HA!!! One day I will really focus on my health and be reporting about more good days rather than days where I want to chop off body parts. One day...
Now, time to do some front porch sitting and listening to great music to escape for a little while. Hopefully it is not weeks before the next entry...
2.12.2013
The process...
Feel deep down inside the pain of missing someone or something so badly it hurts. Notice the empty spaces between your heart that need filling. Tune into other aches in your body when your belly burns with red hot fire, pay attention. What is the source of your ache? What are you trying to digest that is too large, too hot, too unfamiliar to handle. Ache for the mothering you never got, the love you had and then lost, the love you never had at all. Ache to be touched, loved, adored. Ache for the sad woman down the block, the frightened child upstairs., the grieving parents around the corner. Let your heart ache and break and ache again - until it grows stronger and more able to open with ease.
It's been a little over a week since the revelation. A little over a week since my sanity and I were one. I have managed to hold together some form of composure in public quite well; all the while, inside my world is spinning. My emotions fluctuate by the hour, but the majority of the time I feel a little bit crazy and a lot a bit sad. Now, I have had a few days where I actually felt like I was climbing back onto solid ground for the majority of the day. Then you have the ones where you are enjoying a nice sunny afternoon with friends and one wrong word opens the flood gates. You play it off and place the blame on the bottles of bubbly you've been sharing and pray that they don't ask anymore questions, because there is just no way that you can explain.
I know this is all part of the healing process. I do. And, I know that I have to go through this so that I can come out stronger on the other side. I just can't seem to get past the fact that I think maybe I should be over it by now. I like to think that I'm a pretty strong individual, but I have to get over those notions. I have to just accept that this hit me pretty hard and allow myself to feel these things wihtout putting a time limit on how long they should last. I'm just not good at feeling out of control.
So, I will just keep on trying to allow myself this time of healing. Try to remind myself that there isn't a target date for when I'll be "over it". Just take each day as it is and I'm certain that one day this will be a distant memory.
One thing I know for certain at this moment in time is that doubt is a bitch. A really big bitch and she fucks with you.
Listening to music as I write and these lyrics practically slapped me... "Where is the final battle fought upon for my soul to see? Where all the ways to break me, they give up on me and all the ways to live, they come to rescue me."
It's been a little over a week since the revelation. A little over a week since my sanity and I were one. I have managed to hold together some form of composure in public quite well; all the while, inside my world is spinning. My emotions fluctuate by the hour, but the majority of the time I feel a little bit crazy and a lot a bit sad. Now, I have had a few days where I actually felt like I was climbing back onto solid ground for the majority of the day. Then you have the ones where you are enjoying a nice sunny afternoon with friends and one wrong word opens the flood gates. You play it off and place the blame on the bottles of bubbly you've been sharing and pray that they don't ask anymore questions, because there is just no way that you can explain.
I know this is all part of the healing process. I do. And, I know that I have to go through this so that I can come out stronger on the other side. I just can't seem to get past the fact that I think maybe I should be over it by now. I like to think that I'm a pretty strong individual, but I have to get over those notions. I have to just accept that this hit me pretty hard and allow myself to feel these things wihtout putting a time limit on how long they should last. I'm just not good at feeling out of control.
So, I will just keep on trying to allow myself this time of healing. Try to remind myself that there isn't a target date for when I'll be "over it". Just take each day as it is and I'm certain that one day this will be a distant memory.
One thing I know for certain at this moment in time is that doubt is a bitch. A really big bitch and she fucks with you.
Listening to music as I write and these lyrics practically slapped me... "Where is the final battle fought upon for my soul to see? Where all the ways to break me, they give up on me and all the ways to live, they come to rescue me."
1.02.2013
Mushin' it up...
For people who really know me, they know that I am just one big sentimental sap, mixed with some sarcasm, and a hint of bitch (doesn't really come out unless heat is added). It's true. I can be caught mushing it up on pretty much a daily basis with those closest to me.
That being said, my grateful heart has been overflowin' as of late. This sentimental sap is in overdrive. I just have these moments where it feels like these grateful moments are suffocating me. It's all because I'm at a place in my life where I am really happy with who I am and what I have to offer. I realize I'm not for everyone, but it's not about aiming to please others. It's about being you and letting the people who WANT to be there, be in your life. Those other jerks can use the nearest exit.
I have some amazing people in my life and I don't think that you can ever tell someone enough just how appreciated they are. So, I have been trying to do that. Share my thanks for what they offer my life and the joy that they add to it. I'm sure that some of them are thinking, "Enough already! I get it. You're grateful. You love me. You appreciate me. You told me that ten times yesterday!". Ok, so I'm not THAT bad, but I've been feeling it that much.
I think back on all of the struggles that this life has faced me with. The really down times, where I had almost no faith in myself. The moments where I was a hot mess and my life was close to a big blur. Those moments have made this time in my life that much more AMAZING! I'm in awe of my blessings. I really have no idea how I deserve this life, but I couldn't be more thankful for it!
For the people who love me, who have believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself, who gave me the hard wake up calls that I needed, and who were a support system: THANK YOU for loving me for me, even at some of my worst moments! For the newer loves in my life: thank you for making life that much sweeter and opening my heart up in a way that I didn't think would ever happen again!!!
Mush fest over, for now...
That being said, my grateful heart has been overflowin' as of late. This sentimental sap is in overdrive. I just have these moments where it feels like these grateful moments are suffocating me. It's all because I'm at a place in my life where I am really happy with who I am and what I have to offer. I realize I'm not for everyone, but it's not about aiming to please others. It's about being you and letting the people who WANT to be there, be in your life. Those other jerks can use the nearest exit.
I have some amazing people in my life and I don't think that you can ever tell someone enough just how appreciated they are. So, I have been trying to do that. Share my thanks for what they offer my life and the joy that they add to it. I'm sure that some of them are thinking, "Enough already! I get it. You're grateful. You love me. You appreciate me. You told me that ten times yesterday!". Ok, so I'm not THAT bad, but I've been feeling it that much.
I think back on all of the struggles that this life has faced me with. The really down times, where I had almost no faith in myself. The moments where I was a hot mess and my life was close to a big blur. Those moments have made this time in my life that much more AMAZING! I'm in awe of my blessings. I really have no idea how I deserve this life, but I couldn't be more thankful for it!
For the people who love me, who have believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself, who gave me the hard wake up calls that I needed, and who were a support system: THANK YOU for loving me for me, even at some of my worst moments! For the newer loves in my life: thank you for making life that much sweeter and opening my heart up in a way that I didn't think would ever happen again!!!
Mush fest over, for now...
10.28.2012
Wedded bliss...
I was a part of a wonderful wedding experience yesterday. It truly was filled with so much love and happiness. I had a great time from beginning to end. I had moments of being emotional through the night and I became intoxicated with it all. I wanted that feeling and that moment.
I'm not saying that I wanted the moment of the walking down the isle in a big pretty gown. In all honesty, I don't really care for that. IF I'm ever to have a wedding expierience I would opt for something small and intimate. No real bells and whistles. There is too much stress in planning a wedding and I feel that the real magic of it all gets robbed. That's just MY opinion. Every other girl can have their big weddings. I never wanted to be Cinderella.
I want the moments that I witnessed when everyone was able to relax. I saw love all around me and not just from the new bride and groom, but from all of the married couples there. And maybe it was just the nostalgia in the air that made them hold extra affection in their hearts, but I wanted that. Those stolen moments on the dance floor where the man would grab his wifes behind thinking that no one would notice. The exchange of their private love language in their eyes. YOu know, when you can just tell someone how you feel with a look, a fleeting glance. It was a beautiful thing to witness and I got lost in it.
I do want that, but not with the ignorance of thinking that love is always rainbows and butterflies. Love can be gruesome. It's two people trying to merge their life into one and isn't that kind of impossible? I mean, we as individuals are always learning and growing and changing. To find someone that is going to learn and grow and change at the same rate as you is near impossible. Loving someone takes an immense amount of patience, encouragement, and willingness to adapt. Let me clarify that I don't think we must really change who we are to love someone. That is not what I mean when I say, "willingness to adapt". Rather, I mean that you have to be willing to bend and be a support when the person you love is changing. It's an inevitable part of life. Who we are today won't be who we are in five years and if you're with someone, you shouldn't discourage that process. It's a balancing act.
Too often I think that people forget that and opt to throw in the towel when life gets thrown in the way of love. It's just easier to give up and do it on your own. I'm not saying that there are not times when you really should end a relationship. Especially if it is unhealthy. You should never stay in a relationship that depletes you of who you are or is abusive (verbally or physically). No, if you are in one of those types of relationships I would advise that you get out and run as fast as you can. You should learn how to really love yourself first and then you can open up your heart to letting someone else love you. But if you don't love yourself first chances are you will continue to allow unhealthy relationships into your life. You're better than that and you deserve more.
Anyways, before I get off on too much of a tangent regarding love. Last night made me really realize that I want that. I want the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want the stolen moments of butt grabs and secret love languages shared in a glance. And I want that knowing that it isn't always going to be easy. After all they do say, "nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy."
I love myself and I know what I deserve and I'm ready to let love in (when it's ready)...
I'm not saying that I wanted the moment of the walking down the isle in a big pretty gown. In all honesty, I don't really care for that. IF I'm ever to have a wedding expierience I would opt for something small and intimate. No real bells and whistles. There is too much stress in planning a wedding and I feel that the real magic of it all gets robbed. That's just MY opinion. Every other girl can have their big weddings. I never wanted to be Cinderella.
I want the moments that I witnessed when everyone was able to relax. I saw love all around me and not just from the new bride and groom, but from all of the married couples there. And maybe it was just the nostalgia in the air that made them hold extra affection in their hearts, but I wanted that. Those stolen moments on the dance floor where the man would grab his wifes behind thinking that no one would notice. The exchange of their private love language in their eyes. YOu know, when you can just tell someone how you feel with a look, a fleeting glance. It was a beautiful thing to witness and I got lost in it.
I do want that, but not with the ignorance of thinking that love is always rainbows and butterflies. Love can be gruesome. It's two people trying to merge their life into one and isn't that kind of impossible? I mean, we as individuals are always learning and growing and changing. To find someone that is going to learn and grow and change at the same rate as you is near impossible. Loving someone takes an immense amount of patience, encouragement, and willingness to adapt. Let me clarify that I don't think we must really change who we are to love someone. That is not what I mean when I say, "willingness to adapt". Rather, I mean that you have to be willing to bend and be a support when the person you love is changing. It's an inevitable part of life. Who we are today won't be who we are in five years and if you're with someone, you shouldn't discourage that process. It's a balancing act.
Too often I think that people forget that and opt to throw in the towel when life gets thrown in the way of love. It's just easier to give up and do it on your own. I'm not saying that there are not times when you really should end a relationship. Especially if it is unhealthy. You should never stay in a relationship that depletes you of who you are or is abusive (verbally or physically). No, if you are in one of those types of relationships I would advise that you get out and run as fast as you can. You should learn how to really love yourself first and then you can open up your heart to letting someone else love you. But if you don't love yourself first chances are you will continue to allow unhealthy relationships into your life. You're better than that and you deserve more.
Anyways, before I get off on too much of a tangent regarding love. Last night made me really realize that I want that. I want the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want the stolen moments of butt grabs and secret love languages shared in a glance. And I want that knowing that it isn't always going to be easy. After all they do say, "nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy."
I love myself and I know what I deserve and I'm ready to let love in (when it's ready)...
10.03.2012
Until the walls come crumbling down...
You may or may not have read in an earlier post that I have a boyfriend. Well, it's true...I do, and I'm officially in the second longest relationship of my life. 7 months with the first longest being 7 years. Huge difference, I know, but I took 7 years in between to reflect and figure out what makes ME happy (super important to do and some take longer than others)! Now, I did date during those 7 years of figuring myself out. Had a few people say that they were "in love" with me and had one person that started the process of opening this closed off heart of mine.
I'm happy in this relationship. Really, really happy! I'm falling head over heals. It's all so exciting and scary. Extremely scary. I haven't felt this kind of happines in a long time...or ever! It's delicious and intoxicating and terrifying.
One probably doesn't expect to see words like scary and terrifying when someone is describing how happy they are. However, I'm kind of a freak when emotions get involved. I was here before. Granted MUCH younger and in a very different place in my life, but I have done this investing of emotions deal before. I gave my all and then some and ultimately failed.
Now here is where I would tell someone that you should never give up on love. Just because it failed once or twice or 100 times, doesn't mean that you shouldn't try. You learn from each relationship and they help you grow. Well, you know what self, this is our heart we're talking about here and it is just not that simple. Actually, for some people it really is that simple. They fall in and out of love like they change their underwear (or at least like I hope they change their underwear...which is daily). That concept is so foreign to me and this heart of mine and I will likely never adapt to that, but kudos to them. For me, emotional love type feelings are a BIG DEAL!!!
So, here I am, entering into the world of emotions. Taking it one baby step at a time. Enjoying the happiness and trying to chip away at the walls that are keeping my heart so guarded. I know that I have to open up if I want this relationship to develop and grow. It isn't fair to him to remain emotionally guarded. He has had failed relationships and he doesn't seem to hold that against me. I should do the same for him. I just need to continue to give this little heart of mine some pep talks. Remind it that it has so much to give and offer and it is ok if it ends up breaking because it will mend...eventually.
I'm just scared of having to go through that process of healing again. It is god awful! Gut wrenching and painful, but I do know that you do come out on the other side. Stronger and with more wisdom. I'm also not saying that I think this relationship is destined for doom, but it's almost like it's too good to be true?! Like, how can I be so lucky!? One person can't have this much happiness wihtout something bad happening. Or, can they?
Clearly my little heart needs more pep talks. I am worthy of this happiness...this is what I keep telling myself. Because if I don't, I'm scared that I'll never really open up and share how I really feel and ruin a good thing. And really, that's more terrifying than expressing my feelings.
Heart, remember that...
I'm happy in this relationship. Really, really happy! I'm falling head over heals. It's all so exciting and scary. Extremely scary. I haven't felt this kind of happines in a long time...or ever! It's delicious and intoxicating and terrifying.
One probably doesn't expect to see words like scary and terrifying when someone is describing how happy they are. However, I'm kind of a freak when emotions get involved. I was here before. Granted MUCH younger and in a very different place in my life, but I have done this investing of emotions deal before. I gave my all and then some and ultimately failed.
Now here is where I would tell someone that you should never give up on love. Just because it failed once or twice or 100 times, doesn't mean that you shouldn't try. You learn from each relationship and they help you grow. Well, you know what self, this is our heart we're talking about here and it is just not that simple. Actually, for some people it really is that simple. They fall in and out of love like they change their underwear (or at least like I hope they change their underwear...which is daily). That concept is so foreign to me and this heart of mine and I will likely never adapt to that, but kudos to them. For me, emotional love type feelings are a BIG DEAL!!!
So, here I am, entering into the world of emotions. Taking it one baby step at a time. Enjoying the happiness and trying to chip away at the walls that are keeping my heart so guarded. I know that I have to open up if I want this relationship to develop and grow. It isn't fair to him to remain emotionally guarded. He has had failed relationships and he doesn't seem to hold that against me. I should do the same for him. I just need to continue to give this little heart of mine some pep talks. Remind it that it has so much to give and offer and it is ok if it ends up breaking because it will mend...eventually.
I'm just scared of having to go through that process of healing again. It is god awful! Gut wrenching and painful, but I do know that you do come out on the other side. Stronger and with more wisdom. I'm also not saying that I think this relationship is destined for doom, but it's almost like it's too good to be true?! Like, how can I be so lucky!? One person can't have this much happiness wihtout something bad happening. Or, can they?
Clearly my little heart needs more pep talks. I am worthy of this happiness...this is what I keep telling myself. Because if I don't, I'm scared that I'll never really open up and share how I really feel and ruin a good thing. And really, that's more terrifying than expressing my feelings.
Heart, remember that...
9.11.2012
Hiatus, much...
I can't believe that the last time I actually wrote anything was in APRIL! I guess I've been too busy living. But, I've missed this. This moment of reflection and baring a small piece of my soul for anyone who cares to take a peek.
I don't even know where to start with this post and I'm really hoping that my many thoughts and emotions don't leave me so tangled that I can't properly spread them out on this page.
Let's begin with something that has been weighing heavy on me: friendship. By definition it's a relationship between two people who hold mutual affection for each other. It sounds so simple and matter of fact and yet, it is so very complicated. Because people are so very complicated and this thing called "expectation" is bestowed upon the other individual (often times unknowingly). We believe that our friends should hold us in the highest regard and fight for us even when we are wrong. They should always be there when we need them. They should understand exactly how we feel and know exactly what to do or say to make it better (or at least try). And, when these demands aren't met, we secretly pout until it all becomes too much and blows up. Becomes something more than it really is and hurtful words are thrown at us like daggers. Ripping the friendship apart and you are left wondering if it is worth the effort it would take to build it back up. Friendship can be exhausting.
On the flip side, friendship is one of the most beautiful things to share. I, myself, am blessed with some of the most amazing women and consider them to be my soul sisters. They have been there for me in some of my darkest hours and have loved me regardless. They accept me for exactly who I am and that is a beautiful thing!
You're probably wondering where my initial rant came from if I have some amazing soul sisters?!? Well, I recently "lost" a friend and someone that I considered to be someone that I would have in my life forever. It all ended because she had a falling out with a mutual friend. She just doesn't think that our friendship can be the same because I am still friends with the other person. It all sounds silly and childish...and it kind of is!
The sad truth is, I care deeply about both of these people who are arguing. They both see this argument completely different and in their worlds they are both right, but lack of honest communication will continue to tear them apart. As a result, it means that one of them decided that she can't really continue the same kind of friendship that we once shared. All because I won't choose sides and I tried to listen to each of them and give encouragement to talk about how they are feeling.
So, that's how I lost a friend. By being a support to both of my friends. I was angry and hurt, but chalking this up as another lesson learned. Try your best and it may not be enough for someone. They may have set higher expectations for you than you realized. But, at the end of it all, if you can honestly say that you shared mutual affection and grew even a little bit from it, it's not a complete friendship lost. They just may not have been meant to share the rest of your story with you. Keep the good times in your heart and move on.
Exciting news! I have more I want to write. I think this means my writing block is gone (it's probably only a fleeting moment)! I must go now, but I WILL be back...
I don't even know where to start with this post and I'm really hoping that my many thoughts and emotions don't leave me so tangled that I can't properly spread them out on this page.
Let's begin with something that has been weighing heavy on me: friendship. By definition it's a relationship between two people who hold mutual affection for each other. It sounds so simple and matter of fact and yet, it is so very complicated. Because people are so very complicated and this thing called "expectation" is bestowed upon the other individual (often times unknowingly). We believe that our friends should hold us in the highest regard and fight for us even when we are wrong. They should always be there when we need them. They should understand exactly how we feel and know exactly what to do or say to make it better (or at least try). And, when these demands aren't met, we secretly pout until it all becomes too much and blows up. Becomes something more than it really is and hurtful words are thrown at us like daggers. Ripping the friendship apart and you are left wondering if it is worth the effort it would take to build it back up. Friendship can be exhausting.
On the flip side, friendship is one of the most beautiful things to share. I, myself, am blessed with some of the most amazing women and consider them to be my soul sisters. They have been there for me in some of my darkest hours and have loved me regardless. They accept me for exactly who I am and that is a beautiful thing!
You're probably wondering where my initial rant came from if I have some amazing soul sisters?!? Well, I recently "lost" a friend and someone that I considered to be someone that I would have in my life forever. It all ended because she had a falling out with a mutual friend. She just doesn't think that our friendship can be the same because I am still friends with the other person. It all sounds silly and childish...and it kind of is!
The sad truth is, I care deeply about both of these people who are arguing. They both see this argument completely different and in their worlds they are both right, but lack of honest communication will continue to tear them apart. As a result, it means that one of them decided that she can't really continue the same kind of friendship that we once shared. All because I won't choose sides and I tried to listen to each of them and give encouragement to talk about how they are feeling.
So, that's how I lost a friend. By being a support to both of my friends. I was angry and hurt, but chalking this up as another lesson learned. Try your best and it may not be enough for someone. They may have set higher expectations for you than you realized. But, at the end of it all, if you can honestly say that you shared mutual affection and grew even a little bit from it, it's not a complete friendship lost. They just may not have been meant to share the rest of your story with you. Keep the good times in your heart and move on.
Exciting news! I have more I want to write. I think this means my writing block is gone (it's probably only a fleeting moment)! I must go now, but I WILL be back...
1.02.2012
Another one bites the dust...
Let's add another failed miserable attempt to some resemblance of a "relationship" to my list. I'm sad and I'm not really sure if I'm sad because it didn't work with him or if because it just didn't work? I'm going to say more of the "it just didn't work", but that's not to say that I won't miss him! I will! But, I think we want different things and I don't think we had much of a future. Plus, he was happy with it not being a committed relationship.
Which got me thinking, what is a relationship? I mean I technically haven't been in one for five years and it was a long distance one that was short lived. Which puts me back at six years since my last real relationship and I was SO young at that time. I don't really know the rules anymore.
I just know that I was starting to become unhappy with continuing on the same path. I want to be with someone who really wants to be with me. He said he didn't really want a relationship and was happy with how things were. That he was still dealing with issues from his past relationship that has made him guarded. Which to me all translated to "im just not that into you"! But, I also have my issues like not being able to talk about my feelings without becoming paralyzed with fear. When those talks start I begin to close up and panic! I expect that the way I act is going to let someone know how I feel about things, but I do know with men they need to be told. They are not really known for picking up on moods. So, it was my bad for expecting something different when I couldn't even tell him what I wanted.
I'll just add this to my list of lessons learned! I'm just ready for a guy to come into my life who really wants to be in it. Also, the next time I hear a guy tell me he "isn't ready for a relationship" I'm going to run...
Which got me thinking, what is a relationship? I mean I technically haven't been in one for five years and it was a long distance one that was short lived. Which puts me back at six years since my last real relationship and I was SO young at that time. I don't really know the rules anymore.
I just know that I was starting to become unhappy with continuing on the same path. I want to be with someone who really wants to be with me. He said he didn't really want a relationship and was happy with how things were. That he was still dealing with issues from his past relationship that has made him guarded. Which to me all translated to "im just not that into you"! But, I also have my issues like not being able to talk about my feelings without becoming paralyzed with fear. When those talks start I begin to close up and panic! I expect that the way I act is going to let someone know how I feel about things, but I do know with men they need to be told. They are not really known for picking up on moods. So, it was my bad for expecting something different when I couldn't even tell him what I wanted.
I'll just add this to my list of lessons learned! I'm just ready for a guy to come into my life who really wants to be in it. Also, the next time I hear a guy tell me he "isn't ready for a relationship" I'm going to run...
10.29.2011
A little front porch sitting...
disclaimer-I'm going to attempt a Saturday regular of my thoughts entitled "a little front porch sitting". We will see how long it lasts. Also, this may or may not be a long one!
October is slipping through my fingers. I feel as if I posted about my love for this month yesterday! Time is really going by entirely too fast. Why is it as we get older time seems to hit the fast forward button? I guess it is just greater affirmation that we need to enjoy the moment we are in and not focus on the past or future because if we do that we are missing out on the moments in front of our face. I need to keep reminding myself of this! "Time...it's the most valuable thing you have and it's always depreciating!" ~words from a dear friend.
Being present minded...I wish it wasn't easier said than done! You can attempt to move forward, but you'll have those people in your life that will pull you into the past. They will not let go of moments and they will find ways to remind you of those moments! They kind of remind me of quicksand because no matter how much you struggle to get up and move on, they will hold on with a fierce grip and pull you down back into those memories.
So, yet again life has slapped me in the face with another lesson learned! Don't put your energy into friendships when these "friends" don't reciprocate the energy. Friendship is a two way street and if people can't accept you for who you are (good, bad, and indifferent) they are not a true friend. If they can't forgive (don't expect them to forget though)it is probably better to move forward. "Friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway."~ unknown
I like to think that I'm pretty logical when it comes to life. I can own up to the wrong that I have done. For me there is no sense in denying it because we all will do wrong and cause grief or heartache for others in our life. Most of the time it is not intentional and there is some underlying emotion that brings our ugly side out. Some skeleton in the closet that likes to rear it's ugly head from time to time. By no means does it make those actions okay! And maybe not...maybe your life is straight rainbows and unicorns and you have never caused hurt for someone else! Doubtful though.
I also realize there is a fine line in this particular life lesson of mine. When someone owns up to their struggles that person has to make an effort to change it. The other party can only put up with things for so long before it becomes too much. I get this and probably understand this better than they do. Because I went through it...I was the other person putting up with someone struggling. Albeit a different type of relationship, but there comes a time when you either cut that person out of your life or you accept them for who they are and you CAN'T continuously punish them or bring up the past. Holding onto to those moments doesn't do anyone any good. It just causes pain for the person trying to change and for the person holding the grudge, it poisons your soul.
If you are experiencing a struggle in a relationship of yours and despite what side you are on, ask yourself, Is it time to cut my losses or forgive? Either way you must move forward! Holding onto the past will only break you down. Work on today so that your tomorrow can be a better one! Forgive others and yourself when you fall because we will always fall. It's how you handle picking yourself up that shows your strength.
For those of you who have come into my life and left...thank you! For those who have come into my life and stayed...thank you! You have each taught me a valuable lesson in life and have made me a better and stronger person. I am forever grateful for those lessons, even if they were painful ones!
Here's to moving FORWARD...
October is slipping through my fingers. I feel as if I posted about my love for this month yesterday! Time is really going by entirely too fast. Why is it as we get older time seems to hit the fast forward button? I guess it is just greater affirmation that we need to enjoy the moment we are in and not focus on the past or future because if we do that we are missing out on the moments in front of our face. I need to keep reminding myself of this! "Time...it's the most valuable thing you have and it's always depreciating!" ~words from a dear friend.
Being present minded...I wish it wasn't easier said than done! You can attempt to move forward, but you'll have those people in your life that will pull you into the past. They will not let go of moments and they will find ways to remind you of those moments! They kind of remind me of quicksand because no matter how much you struggle to get up and move on, they will hold on with a fierce grip and pull you down back into those memories.
So, yet again life has slapped me in the face with another lesson learned! Don't put your energy into friendships when these "friends" don't reciprocate the energy. Friendship is a two way street and if people can't accept you for who you are (good, bad, and indifferent) they are not a true friend. If they can't forgive (don't expect them to forget though)it is probably better to move forward. "Friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway."~ unknown
I like to think that I'm pretty logical when it comes to life. I can own up to the wrong that I have done. For me there is no sense in denying it because we all will do wrong and cause grief or heartache for others in our life. Most of the time it is not intentional and there is some underlying emotion that brings our ugly side out. Some skeleton in the closet that likes to rear it's ugly head from time to time. By no means does it make those actions okay! And maybe not...maybe your life is straight rainbows and unicorns and you have never caused hurt for someone else! Doubtful though.
I also realize there is a fine line in this particular life lesson of mine. When someone owns up to their struggles that person has to make an effort to change it. The other party can only put up with things for so long before it becomes too much. I get this and probably understand this better than they do. Because I went through it...I was the other person putting up with someone struggling. Albeit a different type of relationship, but there comes a time when you either cut that person out of your life or you accept them for who they are and you CAN'T continuously punish them or bring up the past. Holding onto to those moments doesn't do anyone any good. It just causes pain for the person trying to change and for the person holding the grudge, it poisons your soul.
If you are experiencing a struggle in a relationship of yours and despite what side you are on, ask yourself, Is it time to cut my losses or forgive? Either way you must move forward! Holding onto the past will only break you down. Work on today so that your tomorrow can be a better one! Forgive others and yourself when you fall because we will always fall. It's how you handle picking yourself up that shows your strength.
For those of you who have come into my life and left...thank you! For those who have come into my life and stayed...thank you! You have each taught me a valuable lesson in life and have made me a better and stronger person. I am forever grateful for those lessons, even if they were painful ones!
Here's to moving FORWARD...
10.17.2011
Happy 6 years...
I really should have written this post last month, but for whatever reason I wasn't really in the writing mood in September. Also, to be honest it didn't dawn on me until about a week ago or so that I had my 6 year anniversary!
Six years ago on a September morning I awoke with a raging headache (partly hungover and partly from a night spent crying my eyes out) and said my goodbyes to the boy I spent 6 years of my life with. I got into my car that held whatever personal items I could possibly shove into it and drove away from a life I had started to build in my first place.
I anticipated the feeling of a deep sadness growing with each hour that I drove further away from the life I had grown so accustomed to. Instead, each hour that passed another weight lifted and I had this feeling of freedom and excitement! I wasn't prepared for that at all and ironically enough my surge of happiness kind of made me sad. Strange how that happens, isn't it?
Later that evening we arrived to Charleston, SC, the city that welcomed me with open arms and took me on a wonderful journey! The city that brought me some of the best friends a girl could ask for. The place that I learned how to let go of an unhealthy relationship (the process wasn't always easy). The place where I finally realized the importance of making myself happy first. So many fun and memorable times and moments that I will always cherish! Charleston will always have a special place in my heart and thankfully I'm only 2 hours away and can visit whenever I want.
You're probably wondering why I would leave a place that I talk so highly of? That is how life works. It takes you on a journey and throws other options your way. I had a chance to make a good career decision and Hilton Head had an allure to it, so I chose to see where this new place would take me. I admit I hated it the first year and moved 15 minutes away to Bluffton the next year. Bluffton has been really good to me and I love this place as well!
Anyways, I'm getting slightly off track.
Six years ago I made the hardest and BEST decision of my life! I left my comfort zone and the person that I loved so very much. The person I fought to make it work with until I was just so emotionally exhausted and started losing sight of who I was. I thought I would crumble into a million pieces leaving him. I thought my stay would be a six month to a year experience and then we would get back together with a renewed love. That is until I got in my car and started driving. Until I arrived to this new place that immediately became my home. Until I realized that I completely lost who I was. What a great feeling it is to get yourself back again!
So, Happy 6 Years to my new life and what a glorious life it is...
Six years ago on a September morning I awoke with a raging headache (partly hungover and partly from a night spent crying my eyes out) and said my goodbyes to the boy I spent 6 years of my life with. I got into my car that held whatever personal items I could possibly shove into it and drove away from a life I had started to build in my first place.
I anticipated the feeling of a deep sadness growing with each hour that I drove further away from the life I had grown so accustomed to. Instead, each hour that passed another weight lifted and I had this feeling of freedom and excitement! I wasn't prepared for that at all and ironically enough my surge of happiness kind of made me sad. Strange how that happens, isn't it?
Later that evening we arrived to Charleston, SC, the city that welcomed me with open arms and took me on a wonderful journey! The city that brought me some of the best friends a girl could ask for. The place that I learned how to let go of an unhealthy relationship (the process wasn't always easy). The place where I finally realized the importance of making myself happy first. So many fun and memorable times and moments that I will always cherish! Charleston will always have a special place in my heart and thankfully I'm only 2 hours away and can visit whenever I want.
You're probably wondering why I would leave a place that I talk so highly of? That is how life works. It takes you on a journey and throws other options your way. I had a chance to make a good career decision and Hilton Head had an allure to it, so I chose to see where this new place would take me. I admit I hated it the first year and moved 15 minutes away to Bluffton the next year. Bluffton has been really good to me and I love this place as well!
Anyways, I'm getting slightly off track.
Six years ago I made the hardest and BEST decision of my life! I left my comfort zone and the person that I loved so very much. The person I fought to make it work with until I was just so emotionally exhausted and started losing sight of who I was. I thought I would crumble into a million pieces leaving him. I thought my stay would be a six month to a year experience and then we would get back together with a renewed love. That is until I got in my car and started driving. Until I arrived to this new place that immediately became my home. Until I realized that I completely lost who I was. What a great feeling it is to get yourself back again!
So, Happy 6 Years to my new life and what a glorious life it is...
10.11.2011
fall in love with yourself...
I'm going to give a little dating advice here. Which may seem quite hilarious if you've read any of my posts about my dating life! But, I have found (my opinion) I am an excellent advice giver and a horrible advice taker. I think that goes for a lot of people, but I really love giving advice and like to think I'm pretty good at it. So, anyways, when a dear friend of mine asked for advice or really just vented her frustration, I was all about giving some advice. Which got me to thinking I should share with whatever few readers I have...
I think what I'm about to share is not a secret to anyone, but something that is VERY important for every person to live by and something people ignore. The ONLY way to be happy in a relationship is to first be happy with YOU!!! Do not ever go looking for a relationship so that other person can be responsible for YOUR happiness! That is a heavy responsibility and one that the other person will surely fail at over time. Not only because it will be exhausting for them to continuously try to make you happy, but because you will find that you're still not really happy even though you have this person that you thought would change your world. It may bring about a false sense of happiness that can last some time, but at some point you will realize you're creating more heartache for yourself and probably driving that person you "love" insane in the process. It isn't fair for either individual involved.
I'm not saying you have to get all conceded and narcissistic...in fact don't do that because that is also a recipe for disaster in relationships. But, DO take time to figure out what makes you happy and fall in love with yourself. Be confident in who you are and find happiness within yourself! I can't tell you exactly how to do this, but I know it involves a lot of self reflection.
Women in particular should heed this advice because we are the ones forever chasing that Prince Charming fairytale. Looking for that man to sweep us off our feet and give us our "happily ever after". This often has us focus on everything BUT what we really want and what really makes us happy with who we are as people. Because once you are truly happy with you, it is bound to open up more opportunity to meet and fall in love with the right person and really have that happily ever after!
"When you LOVE yourself and ACCEPT yourself, you won't have to go seeking love and acceptance. IT WILL FIND YOU!" - the single woman
I've got the loving myself thing down; now I just need to figure out how to not be allergic to relationships...
I think what I'm about to share is not a secret to anyone, but something that is VERY important for every person to live by and something people ignore. The ONLY way to be happy in a relationship is to first be happy with YOU!!! Do not ever go looking for a relationship so that other person can be responsible for YOUR happiness! That is a heavy responsibility and one that the other person will surely fail at over time. Not only because it will be exhausting for them to continuously try to make you happy, but because you will find that you're still not really happy even though you have this person that you thought would change your world. It may bring about a false sense of happiness that can last some time, but at some point you will realize you're creating more heartache for yourself and probably driving that person you "love" insane in the process. It isn't fair for either individual involved.
I'm not saying you have to get all conceded and narcissistic...in fact don't do that because that is also a recipe for disaster in relationships. But, DO take time to figure out what makes you happy and fall in love with yourself. Be confident in who you are and find happiness within yourself! I can't tell you exactly how to do this, but I know it involves a lot of self reflection.
Women in particular should heed this advice because we are the ones forever chasing that Prince Charming fairytale. Looking for that man to sweep us off our feet and give us our "happily ever after". This often has us focus on everything BUT what we really want and what really makes us happy with who we are as people. Because once you are truly happy with you, it is bound to open up more opportunity to meet and fall in love with the right person and really have that happily ever after!
"When you LOVE yourself and ACCEPT yourself, you won't have to go seeking love and acceptance. IT WILL FIND YOU!" - the single woman
I've got the loving myself thing down; now I just need to figure out how to not be allergic to relationships...
9.10.2011
One hell of a roller coaster ride...
The emotional kind that is! And all over bad gas. Yup, I said it, bad gas! Not the bodily kind...I know where you're minds are going! I'm talking about the kind that you fill your car up with.
Two weeks ago, I made a trip to visit a dear friend. It was one of those moral support kind of weekends and if I would have known the hell I would endure during the trip (all due to the car); I'd absolutely do it again...a thousand times over. Because that's what friends are for. To be your support during hard times. Anyways, back to the real story here.
I stayed that Sunday longer than I normally do and decided to head home around 5pm. Got in my little car and went to the gas station around the corner from her house. Filled that sucker up with regular unleaded gas and went on my merry way. Two minutes down the road and my car starts to slow down. My thought process: well, I AM driving up a hill...step on the gas. Okay, little car stepping on the gas means speed up NOT slow down. FUCK! It's gonna die. Let's make it to the next side road...come on little girl I know you can do it! I successfully made it to the side road, but barely. From that point...I tried starting her up again and she would start but immediately shut off. The engine just a shaking away and making a loud pop each time i tried. About an hour later, plenty of tears, one random man that gave me his business card so I would know he wasn't going to try any funny business (true story), and my dear friends coming to the rescue...my car was being towed away to be fixed the next day.
Only it wasn't fixed that Monday and was told to give it one more day because they didn't quite figure out what was wrong yet. Another day of missed work and that Tuesday morning they tell me they are going to tow the car to another mechanic who works on Hondas. Kevin, the very nice new mechanic told me he would try to fix it by 4 that day so I could get back home. He calls me around noon to tell me he pulled a sample of the gas and it was diesel or ethanol. Whatever it was it was BAD and tore my car up!
I made my friend drive me to the gas station so that I could try to remember the steps I took when filling up. I wanted to make sure I didn't accidentally put diesel in my car. After talking to the manager and getting a copy of the receipt that showed regular gas; the next stop was talking to the owner of the station and letting him know he would be paying for my car repair.
Well, that turned into a whole mess of its own. Ended up having to rent a car so that I wouldn't miss anymore work because Kevin wouldn't have my car ready until the next day. Spent the next few days going back and forth with the owner who went from saying he'd cover half, to all of it plus the rental, to none because he didn't feel it was his bad gas. He told me it could have been the tank of gas I filled up on or someone tampering with my car. After many phone calls, emails, and tears I got him to FINALLY agree to pay for the damages and rental car. Had it set up where my friends would pick up my car and Kevin calls me back saying, tell your friends to hold on because the car is broke AGAIN! Turns out bad gas will melt the cadilac converter and that would be $1100 to fix. Thankfully my dear friend (who is a guy and can talk car talk) came to the rescue and hooked me up with a way to fix that problem for $25! Done and done! I knew there was NO way that the owner of the gas station would pay for that repair as well and I just wanted the mess to be over with.
Spent the next weekend back with my friend and got my little car back. She is doing well and only gave me one scare on the way back home when she didn't want to start after getting gas at BP. I was ready to sell her at that point, but she's getting me around town so I'll keep her for a little while longer.
The moral of this story: don't buy bad gas! If it says it has 10% ethanol in the gas they can actually get away with it being more than that and it will tear up your car if it isn't meant to run on ethanol. And, stick to your guns about holding people accountable for doing the right thing. If your a girl, tears do work if you need to resort to that!
The cherry on top of that oh so fun week: my fridge died while I was out of town and had to throw everything away...
Two weeks ago, I made a trip to visit a dear friend. It was one of those moral support kind of weekends and if I would have known the hell I would endure during the trip (all due to the car); I'd absolutely do it again...a thousand times over. Because that's what friends are for. To be your support during hard times. Anyways, back to the real story here.
I stayed that Sunday longer than I normally do and decided to head home around 5pm. Got in my little car and went to the gas station around the corner from her house. Filled that sucker up with regular unleaded gas and went on my merry way. Two minutes down the road and my car starts to slow down. My thought process: well, I AM driving up a hill...step on the gas. Okay, little car stepping on the gas means speed up NOT slow down. FUCK! It's gonna die. Let's make it to the next side road...come on little girl I know you can do it! I successfully made it to the side road, but barely. From that point...I tried starting her up again and she would start but immediately shut off. The engine just a shaking away and making a loud pop each time i tried. About an hour later, plenty of tears, one random man that gave me his business card so I would know he wasn't going to try any funny business (true story), and my dear friends coming to the rescue...my car was being towed away to be fixed the next day.
Only it wasn't fixed that Monday and was told to give it one more day because they didn't quite figure out what was wrong yet. Another day of missed work and that Tuesday morning they tell me they are going to tow the car to another mechanic who works on Hondas. Kevin, the very nice new mechanic told me he would try to fix it by 4 that day so I could get back home. He calls me around noon to tell me he pulled a sample of the gas and it was diesel or ethanol. Whatever it was it was BAD and tore my car up!
I made my friend drive me to the gas station so that I could try to remember the steps I took when filling up. I wanted to make sure I didn't accidentally put diesel in my car. After talking to the manager and getting a copy of the receipt that showed regular gas; the next stop was talking to the owner of the station and letting him know he would be paying for my car repair.
Well, that turned into a whole mess of its own. Ended up having to rent a car so that I wouldn't miss anymore work because Kevin wouldn't have my car ready until the next day. Spent the next few days going back and forth with the owner who went from saying he'd cover half, to all of it plus the rental, to none because he didn't feel it was his bad gas. He told me it could have been the tank of gas I filled up on or someone tampering with my car. After many phone calls, emails, and tears I got him to FINALLY agree to pay for the damages and rental car. Had it set up where my friends would pick up my car and Kevin calls me back saying, tell your friends to hold on because the car is broke AGAIN! Turns out bad gas will melt the cadilac converter and that would be $1100 to fix. Thankfully my dear friend (who is a guy and can talk car talk) came to the rescue and hooked me up with a way to fix that problem for $25! Done and done! I knew there was NO way that the owner of the gas station would pay for that repair as well and I just wanted the mess to be over with.
Spent the next weekend back with my friend and got my little car back. She is doing well and only gave me one scare on the way back home when she didn't want to start after getting gas at BP. I was ready to sell her at that point, but she's getting me around town so I'll keep her for a little while longer.
The moral of this story: don't buy bad gas! If it says it has 10% ethanol in the gas they can actually get away with it being more than that and it will tear up your car if it isn't meant to run on ethanol. And, stick to your guns about holding people accountable for doing the right thing. If your a girl, tears do work if you need to resort to that!
The cherry on top of that oh so fun week: my fridge died while I was out of town and had to throw everything away...
7.07.2011
On not accepting fear...
I recently answered the first of my "50 ?'s to free my mind" and I'd love to link you to that post (still figuring out blogging on an iPad...not so successfull), but it revolved around fear and my nightly meditation is also based around fear. I also happened to run across a great post on fear today and you can find it below (again prob won't be able to link, but I think it's worth a copy paste).
I think that God is trying to tell me something here! I'm not sure what I fear...okay I do!!!
But, it is not worth fearing and it's only holding me back from happiness. Got it...working on it!
So let's meditate on this:
When you are afraid of anything, you are acknowledging its power to hurt you. Remember that where your heart is, there is treasure also. You believe in what you value. If you are afraid, you are valuing wrongly.
THAT is good stuff. Now to actually attempt to meditate...
http://www.lcweekly.com/the-best-life/2134-its-your-choice
I think that God is trying to tell me something here! I'm not sure what I fear...okay I do!!!
But, it is not worth fearing and it's only holding me back from happiness. Got it...working on it!
So let's meditate on this:
When you are afraid of anything, you are acknowledging its power to hurt you. Remember that where your heart is, there is treasure also. You believe in what you value. If you are afraid, you are valuing wrongly.
THAT is good stuff. Now to actually attempt to meditate...
http://www.lcweekly.com/the-best-life/2134-its-your-choice
6.12.2011
50 ?'s to free your mind...
I heard or rather read about these 50 ?'s to free your mind and was immediately intrigued. I quickly googled and then copy and pasted these thought provokers into my notes and there they have stayed for months. I from time to time will re-visit them in hopes that my brain will want to take a stab at actually answering some of these and each time I tap out. I think this is because I read each question and become overwhelmed? Possibly! Or, my brain is lazy. I have decided to take a new approach and will take this one question at a time. I will not search for the question that I feel most comfortable starting with and inevitably scare myself off from even starting to think about answering any of them.
So, here we go...the first question of the 50 that will hopefully "free" my mind.
1)Which is worse, failing or never trying?
I'm going to go with never trying! But, since this is about being 100 with yourself; I'm gonna call myself out and say that too often I have shied away from trying something in fear of failing! I think this is due to the fact that I'm a bit of a perfectionist and want to be the best at everything. I know that the fear of failing has held me back from what could have been awesome experiences or at the very least, a really funny story. Once I realized this I made a more conscience effort to kick that fears ass!
It is okay to try and fail! It can lead to some amazing learning experiences. Or, like I said some great belly laughing tales. Sure, sometimes you may feel a little bruised after your attempt ends in a big fat FAIL, but how boring to always sit on the sidelines of life to keep your ego intact?! I have adopted the laughing it off method when my attempts go awry. It works and burns calories!
Now, how amazing would I be if I always followed this method?! Super, but unfortunately I would also be a liar and well, liars are not cool in my book. So, yes, I have those moments when I've tried something (like casting the shrimp net) and was less than successful (but still pretty freaking good for my very first time mind you) and get frustrated (because it wasn't perfect) and want to throw my hands up in the air and stomp my feet like a two year old. I may curse and get snippy with whomever is lending kind tips of advice and deliver looks that could kill.I eventually end up reeling myself in, taking deep breaths and then try again with fierce determination. Yeah, I can be pretty ridiculous!
The point is I'm making more of an effort to try more things instead of letting fear grip me by the balls (metaphorically speaking of course! If we want to be more anatomically correct, I suppose I would say: instead of letting fear grip me by the labia? That would hurt). And, while the thought of failing will make my heart beat faster and my palms sweaty; the thought of never trying has become far more terrifying!
What about you...do you fear failing or never trying? I'm curious...
So, here we go...the first question of the 50 that will hopefully "free" my mind.
1)Which is worse, failing or never trying?
I'm going to go with never trying! But, since this is about being 100 with yourself; I'm gonna call myself out and say that too often I have shied away from trying something in fear of failing! I think this is due to the fact that I'm a bit of a perfectionist and want to be the best at everything. I know that the fear of failing has held me back from what could have been awesome experiences or at the very least, a really funny story. Once I realized this I made a more conscience effort to kick that fears ass!
It is okay to try and fail! It can lead to some amazing learning experiences. Or, like I said some great belly laughing tales. Sure, sometimes you may feel a little bruised after your attempt ends in a big fat FAIL, but how boring to always sit on the sidelines of life to keep your ego intact?! I have adopted the laughing it off method when my attempts go awry. It works and burns calories!
Now, how amazing would I be if I always followed this method?! Super, but unfortunately I would also be a liar and well, liars are not cool in my book. So, yes, I have those moments when I've tried something (like casting the shrimp net) and was less than successful (but still pretty freaking good for my very first time mind you) and get frustrated (because it wasn't perfect) and want to throw my hands up in the air and stomp my feet like a two year old. I may curse and get snippy with whomever is lending kind tips of advice and deliver looks that could kill.I eventually end up reeling myself in, taking deep breaths and then try again with fierce determination. Yeah, I can be pretty ridiculous!
The point is I'm making more of an effort to try more things instead of letting fear grip me by the balls (metaphorically speaking of course! If we want to be more anatomically correct, I suppose I would say: instead of letting fear grip me by the labia? That would hurt). And, while the thought of failing will make my heart beat faster and my palms sweaty; the thought of never trying has become far more terrifying!
What about you...do you fear failing or never trying? I'm curious...
5.19.2011
I broke out the red wine again...
And not because I was crawling out of my skin this time. No, no not that, but a whole other mess of things...
I have internally been going through a crazy range of emotions. I've been digesting some realities that I wanted to bury. It is easier to live in the land of make believe and pretend this nightmare is really just that...a nightmare. I am not fully prepared to face the beast head on, but I know that day is coming. I'm trying to prepare myself.
My heart is breaking for one of my very best friends in the whole wide world. A woman who is a sister to me, who I am able to share my ugly past with and not feel shame or make excuses for those involved with it. Someone who gets me! Sadly because she experienced very similar situations. She is beginning the process of the big D and I want more than anything to mend her broken heart. To make it better, easier, less painful. But I can't! Instead, I give whatever advice I can and tell her I love her over and over. I know my words don't ease the pain, but the honest to goodness truth is...if I could take it from her, I would!
Do you think that when it comes to being in love there is a time limit? That you fall in love with a person and once you have learned whatever it is you were supposed to and evolved as much as you are going to evolve, it is time to move on to the next? I've only been in love once so I am far from an expert in this area. I gather this conclusion on what I have witnessed around me. Maybe we aren't supposed to be with one person for the rest of our lives? Maybe that kind of lasting love is to be kept amongst friends and family? I don't know, but I'm getting sidetracked.
Back to where I was going...many of the people that I hold so dear to my heart are going through a hardship in one form or another. I want more than anything to take it away from them and make it instantaneously better. But, I know better! That is not how life works. They need to experience this time for one reason or another and when they come out on top, (because I have all the confidence in the world that they all will) they will reflect on these hardships with some joy in knowing they made it through. They will grow as individuals and be one step closer to who they are supposed to be. I just hope they know I'm a shoulder to cry on when they need it.
This is just the uber compassionate side of me coming out right now. This part of me that loves with every fiber in my being, that is beyond sentimental, that really feels for my loved ones when they are struggling. This is a part of who I am!
I'm not making much sense right now. I'm not sure if it is the red wine or the emotions all trying to rush out of me at once. I think it's time to switch to the journal...
I have internally been going through a crazy range of emotions. I've been digesting some realities that I wanted to bury. It is easier to live in the land of make believe and pretend this nightmare is really just that...a nightmare. I am not fully prepared to face the beast head on, but I know that day is coming. I'm trying to prepare myself.
My heart is breaking for one of my very best friends in the whole wide world. A woman who is a sister to me, who I am able to share my ugly past with and not feel shame or make excuses for those involved with it. Someone who gets me! Sadly because she experienced very similar situations. She is beginning the process of the big D and I want more than anything to mend her broken heart. To make it better, easier, less painful. But I can't! Instead, I give whatever advice I can and tell her I love her over and over. I know my words don't ease the pain, but the honest to goodness truth is...if I could take it from her, I would!
Do you think that when it comes to being in love there is a time limit? That you fall in love with a person and once you have learned whatever it is you were supposed to and evolved as much as you are going to evolve, it is time to move on to the next? I've only been in love once so I am far from an expert in this area. I gather this conclusion on what I have witnessed around me. Maybe we aren't supposed to be with one person for the rest of our lives? Maybe that kind of lasting love is to be kept amongst friends and family? I don't know, but I'm getting sidetracked.
Back to where I was going...many of the people that I hold so dear to my heart are going through a hardship in one form or another. I want more than anything to take it away from them and make it instantaneously better. But, I know better! That is not how life works. They need to experience this time for one reason or another and when they come out on top, (because I have all the confidence in the world that they all will) they will reflect on these hardships with some joy in knowing they made it through. They will grow as individuals and be one step closer to who they are supposed to be. I just hope they know I'm a shoulder to cry on when they need it.
This is just the uber compassionate side of me coming out right now. This part of me that loves with every fiber in my being, that is beyond sentimental, that really feels for my loved ones when they are struggling. This is a part of who I am!
I'm not making much sense right now. I'm not sure if it is the red wine or the emotions all trying to rush out of me at once. I think it's time to switch to the journal...
5.02.2011
Another year older....
And another year wiser! Or so they say.
I like to think that I'm like a fine wine; I get better with age ;) Of course that is my perception of myself and I'm biased! On a serious note, I'm pretty torn with how I feel about getting older. One half of me is perfectly okay with it. I'm enjoying the process of figuring myself out and finding out what I really want out of my life. I can appreciate the struggles/lessons of my younger days and how they have shaped the woman that I am today. I can only imagine that it is only going to get better because I hope to never cease to learn about myself/life.
The other part of me is a little nervous that I'm inching towards 30 (2years away now) and think about where I am NOT at in my life. Like, NOT married (or let's try single with no prospect of a lifetime partner). Not a mother. Not a homeowner. I think that is really it with the NOTS, but those are pretty big and heavy HAVES! I try to not let those thoughts crowd up too much of my brain, but I would be lying if I didn't say they sneak in from time to time!
It is funny because the me 10 years ago had my life planned out: I would go to college, marry my high school sweetheart, get married around age 24, and be popping out babies by 25! THANK GOD my 18 year old self had it ALL wrong!
I try not to give myself a time limit on where I have to be at in my life these days. I try to just go with the flow and experience this crazy ride we call life. However, like I said before, getting closer to 30 is making me think! Maybe it is just me digging deeper to figure out what I really want? Like, do I really want to get married when it seems that divorce is inevitable these days? Am I ready to be selfless and have a child? Do I really want the responsibilities of a household? The answer right now is....I don't know! I am at least, content with the fact that I know it will all work out exactly how God has planned it!
So, here's to enjoying the ride and learning more about ourselves as we go...
I like to think that I'm like a fine wine; I get better with age ;) Of course that is my perception of myself and I'm biased! On a serious note, I'm pretty torn with how I feel about getting older. One half of me is perfectly okay with it. I'm enjoying the process of figuring myself out and finding out what I really want out of my life. I can appreciate the struggles/lessons of my younger days and how they have shaped the woman that I am today. I can only imagine that it is only going to get better because I hope to never cease to learn about myself/life.
The other part of me is a little nervous that I'm inching towards 30 (2years away now) and think about where I am NOT at in my life. Like, NOT married (or let's try single with no prospect of a lifetime partner). Not a mother. Not a homeowner. I think that is really it with the NOTS, but those are pretty big and heavy HAVES! I try to not let those thoughts crowd up too much of my brain, but I would be lying if I didn't say they sneak in from time to time!
It is funny because the me 10 years ago had my life planned out: I would go to college, marry my high school sweetheart, get married around age 24, and be popping out babies by 25! THANK GOD my 18 year old self had it ALL wrong!
I try not to give myself a time limit on where I have to be at in my life these days. I try to just go with the flow and experience this crazy ride we call life. However, like I said before, getting closer to 30 is making me think! Maybe it is just me digging deeper to figure out what I really want? Like, do I really want to get married when it seems that divorce is inevitable these days? Am I ready to be selfless and have a child? Do I really want the responsibilities of a household? The answer right now is....I don't know! I am at least, content with the fact that I know it will all work out exactly how God has planned it!
So, here's to enjoying the ride and learning more about ourselves as we go...
3.18.2011
A Gassy Situation...
no NOT the flatulent kind...
I'm sharing this recent discovery of mine just in case someone who has never used a gas oven before stumbles upon this.
About a week ago, on a Wednesday night, I'm sitting in bed (wasting time on facebook I'm sure) and enjoying the sound of the rain hitting my tin roof. I begin to notice this faint smell and not a pleasant one at that! It reminded me of a very strong earthy smell to begin with. Well, the rain IS pretty intense, so maybe it's stirring up some of the earth (right Brandy...you're smart).
The next day I get home from work and the smell has intensified and soaked into every room (okay so my house is technically one big room. It didn't have far to spread). With a look of disgust and desperately focusing on not losing my cookies, I walk around the house trying to pinpoint where this now rotting earth smell is coming from. The kitchen is where it seemed strongest. OBVIOUSLY, I assume there is a dead animal under my house because there is a hole leading to the outside in one of my kitchen cabinets (it's an old house okay)and that is where the smell could knock you out. Not even phased by the fact that the GAS OVEN is right next to said cabinet with the rotting dead animal.
The next few days I was praying the smell would just magically go away. Leaving windows open, lighting numerous candles and spraying nearly an entire can of febreeze all around the house. Sunday, I decided it was time to text (I hate actually calling people...lame I know) the landlord and let him know about the rotting animal. I also decided to try to sniff out the area again and while smelling by the cabinet heard a sort of hissing sound. Hmmmm...STRANGE! I followed the noise to my gas stove top and the smell is intensifying. YES...it's coming from the stove, why don't you breath some deeper breaths through our nose JUST TO MAKE SURE! Yep..that's it...look down...oh SHIT, this fucker has been on low for DAYS!
I'm lucky to say that I only suffered a severe headache for two days and slight humiliation at my stupidity! I now know if I start to smell rotting earth to check my stove first. Oh and NOT a good idea to light candles, spray febreeze, turn on lights, plug anything into the electrical outlets...unless you are a risk taker and want to chance your house exploding. Yeah and deciding to sleep in a house that has that awful smell could mean you WON'T be waking up!
I did all of the above. Well, besides becoming confetti or taking a permanent nap. GOD was protecting me and that I know for sure!!!
The lesson here kids: gas ovens are serious business and they produce awful smells when left on...or if you have a gas leak! And...GOD is GREAT!
P.s. I know that gas doesn't have a smell. It's just a chemical they put in it to let you know "hey I'm leaking and could kill you...DO something"!
I'm sharing this recent discovery of mine just in case someone who has never used a gas oven before stumbles upon this.
About a week ago, on a Wednesday night, I'm sitting in bed (wasting time on facebook I'm sure) and enjoying the sound of the rain hitting my tin roof. I begin to notice this faint smell and not a pleasant one at that! It reminded me of a very strong earthy smell to begin with. Well, the rain IS pretty intense, so maybe it's stirring up some of the earth (right Brandy...you're smart).
The next day I get home from work and the smell has intensified and soaked into every room (okay so my house is technically one big room. It didn't have far to spread). With a look of disgust and desperately focusing on not losing my cookies, I walk around the house trying to pinpoint where this now rotting earth smell is coming from. The kitchen is where it seemed strongest. OBVIOUSLY, I assume there is a dead animal under my house because there is a hole leading to the outside in one of my kitchen cabinets (it's an old house okay)and that is where the smell could knock you out. Not even phased by the fact that the GAS OVEN is right next to said cabinet with the rotting dead animal.
The next few days I was praying the smell would just magically go away. Leaving windows open, lighting numerous candles and spraying nearly an entire can of febreeze all around the house. Sunday, I decided it was time to text (I hate actually calling people...lame I know) the landlord and let him know about the rotting animal. I also decided to try to sniff out the area again and while smelling by the cabinet heard a sort of hissing sound. Hmmmm...STRANGE! I followed the noise to my gas stove top and the smell is intensifying. YES...it's coming from the stove, why don't you breath some deeper breaths through our nose JUST TO MAKE SURE! Yep..that's it...look down...oh SHIT, this fucker has been on low for DAYS!
I'm lucky to say that I only suffered a severe headache for two days and slight humiliation at my stupidity! I now know if I start to smell rotting earth to check my stove first. Oh and NOT a good idea to light candles, spray febreeze, turn on lights, plug anything into the electrical outlets...unless you are a risk taker and want to chance your house exploding. Yeah and deciding to sleep in a house that has that awful smell could mean you WON'T be waking up!
I did all of the above. Well, besides becoming confetti or taking a permanent nap. GOD was protecting me and that I know for sure!!!
The lesson here kids: gas ovens are serious business and they produce awful smells when left on...or if you have a gas leak! And...GOD is GREAT!
P.s. I know that gas doesn't have a smell. It's just a chemical they put in it to let you know "hey I'm leaking and could kill you...DO something"!
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