It has been over a month since my last entry. Again, not for lack of things to write. In fact, there have been so many events that have happened. So many different emotions that are swirling around. So many moments where I have wanted to come running to my keyboard and just let it all pour out. But, then life happens and I allow things to get in the way of my time to have this moment of release. Doubts set it and parts of me doesn't want to share too much. So, I may type a few sentences and then delete my efforts, put my keyboard away, and lay down with hopes that I'll find the time and mood to write the next day.
I have started a new journey in my life. A journey to conquer my beasts that are stress and anxiety. These beasts play into the agony of fiby and after a particularly rough weekend both mentally and physically, I had this burning desire to change it. It was the push I needed to start doing something for myself. One would think the natural thing to do would call up the doctor and start popping some pills to manage these demons. However, I have a strong dislike for doctors and for taking medicine. NOT that I do not believe that there are legitmate times when both are needed. They very much are, but I know myself and I know that is not what is best for me. Not until I exhaust every other natural option that there is.
So on the Monday after the very exhausting weekend, I consulted the "book of knowledge" as my boyfriend likes to call it (that would be google). I searched for therapists in my surrounding area and came up with at least 15 to choose from. Most of which I quickly glanced over and made the quick assumption that they were not for me. Then, I happened upon the lady that I am currently seeing. There was something about the quick blurb about her practice that caught my eye and made me look into her practice a little further. So I visited her website and read about hypnotherapy and decided this was something that I really wanted to try. It is a bit uncovnentional and not something that I would have went searching for on my own, but I felt a pull towards this type of therapy. I think life has a way of doing that. Pulling you where you need to go.
I emailed her that same day and expressed what I was looking to gain from this. Guidence and tools that I can use to better manage my stress and anxiety. I gave a quick description of what is currently going on in my life that lead me to searching for this tool. She called me that afternoon and we had a great 15 minute conversation. Have you ever had moments where you met someone and felt an instant connection in one form or another? That is what it felt like talking with her. I felt comfortable and open and at complete ease. I left the conversation excited and eager to finally meet her and see what this could do for me.
I am not new to therapy. I have tried this route in my early adulthood and I can't say that it was the best or worst thing that I have ever done. I just knew that I wasn't looking to just sit in someones office and spill my insides out and have them nod and listen and give me a line. I wanted someone who would make me do some soul searching. Put a little work into this because I know that the healing of my life will come from me. I have to do the hard work. It is just nice to have someone who can guide you and give you the tools to do so. I am happy to say that this is what I am getting with my hypnotherapist.
I am learning to manage stress and anxiety. I am learning to better communicate my feelings and what is important to me. To not push them aside in fear of them being a burden to others. Which has been a source of relief and has allowed me to communicate on a different level. I know that I still have work ahead of me, but it has been an empowering experience and one I'm happy to share with anyone who cares to actually read this.
When it comes to your emotional well being, I don't think that anyone should be ashamed of what they do to better the person that they are. There is a negative connotation that usually goes along with therapy, but I don't believe that it shows weakness in someone. I think quite the opposite. It takes great courage to meet with someone and actively work on bettering yourself. I will acknowledge that it may not be for everyone, but if you are toying with the idea I suggest you do some research of the therapists in your area and the methods they use and just try it.
"Everything that happens is meant to help move you into your greater self."
Showing posts with label inner demons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inner demons. Show all posts
6.16.2013
4.12.2013
LIfe's Challenge...
"When we least expect if, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait, Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide wheter or not to accept our destiny."
Every single person is going to be faced with a challenge in their life. There is no escaping it! They will present themselves in different shapes and sizes and at a moments notice. They will show up at your doorstep the moment that you feel like things are finally settling down and making sense. They will shove their way through the door, unpack their bags, and stay until you learn the secret lesson they're meant to teach. And, if you don't quite learn it the first go around, they will happily show up down the road in different form until you do. Then, when you have that challenge nailed and you're feeling all hunky dory (yeah, I just said that!), a whole new one will arrive. That's life.
I am no stranger to Life's challenges. Some have taken me down to the darkest places where it took me significant time to find my way back up. While others came and went. I have felt defeated and alone at times, but there was always some little glimmer of strength that pulled me through. I am not sure where it evolved from. Maybe it was my fight to not become like someone close to me. Someone who decided to sink and just exist, but not live. Then again, it could also be that I have another person close to me who was faced with many dark challenges and always rose above. Most likely, it is a combination of the two. For that I am thankful!
I believe it is all about how you face those Challenges. I don't think there is one right way to learn from them. I do; however, feel that there is one way to fail and that is by avoiding or hiding from them. It may seem like it works for some time, but they will start to invade your life and leave you crippled. You can either learn or you can slowly suffocate. You can face them head on or let them back you up into a corner. The choice is really yours!!
The beautiful thing about Life's challenges is that you're constantly learning about yourself (if you allow it). Realizing that you can, in fact, handle much more than you thought you could. Always evolving into the person you're supposed to become. And don't we want to always be evolving? Because when the moment comes that we are done learning and becoming more of who we are, we're just existing or we're expired. And, I don't want either of those realities.
I have to remind myself of these things because when you're in a life lesson that reality can become clouded. It can feel impossible to overcome or unfair. You may even want to throw yourself on the ground and throw a tantrum like a three year old (no? Just me?)! I won't. I'm pretty good at keeping it together. I just need moments of remembering that I can do this, whatever this may be at the moment. I know that my future self will look back on this with fond reflection of how far I have come and I'll walk away with more ammo for future challenges. But, in this moment, I'm needing a lot of reminding.
I think 2013 is going to be a year of great love and great life lessons! No need to worry, I've got this (even if I need to shower myself with reminders)...
Every single person is going to be faced with a challenge in their life. There is no escaping it! They will present themselves in different shapes and sizes and at a moments notice. They will show up at your doorstep the moment that you feel like things are finally settling down and making sense. They will shove their way through the door, unpack their bags, and stay until you learn the secret lesson they're meant to teach. And, if you don't quite learn it the first go around, they will happily show up down the road in different form until you do. Then, when you have that challenge nailed and you're feeling all hunky dory (yeah, I just said that!), a whole new one will arrive. That's life.
I am no stranger to Life's challenges. Some have taken me down to the darkest places where it took me significant time to find my way back up. While others came and went. I have felt defeated and alone at times, but there was always some little glimmer of strength that pulled me through. I am not sure where it evolved from. Maybe it was my fight to not become like someone close to me. Someone who decided to sink and just exist, but not live. Then again, it could also be that I have another person close to me who was faced with many dark challenges and always rose above. Most likely, it is a combination of the two. For that I am thankful!
I believe it is all about how you face those Challenges. I don't think there is one right way to learn from them. I do; however, feel that there is one way to fail and that is by avoiding or hiding from them. It may seem like it works for some time, but they will start to invade your life and leave you crippled. You can either learn or you can slowly suffocate. You can face them head on or let them back you up into a corner. The choice is really yours!!
The beautiful thing about Life's challenges is that you're constantly learning about yourself (if you allow it). Realizing that you can, in fact, handle much more than you thought you could. Always evolving into the person you're supposed to become. And don't we want to always be evolving? Because when the moment comes that we are done learning and becoming more of who we are, we're just existing or we're expired. And, I don't want either of those realities.
I have to remind myself of these things because when you're in a life lesson that reality can become clouded. It can feel impossible to overcome or unfair. You may even want to throw yourself on the ground and throw a tantrum like a three year old (no? Just me?)! I won't. I'm pretty good at keeping it together. I just need moments of remembering that I can do this, whatever this may be at the moment. I know that my future self will look back on this with fond reflection of how far I have come and I'll walk away with more ammo for future challenges. But, in this moment, I'm needing a lot of reminding.
I think 2013 is going to be a year of great love and great life lessons! No need to worry, I've got this (even if I need to shower myself with reminders)...
3.19.2013
Scattered thoughts...
It has been a little while since my last entry. I do this often. Get on a little roll and then disappear for days, weeks, or maybe even months. It is not for lack of thoughts flowing and itching to get out, but rather my super critical side kicks in. I start doubting my writing and wonder if maybe I'm divulging too much of my inner thoughts. I have envy for those who can bleed at the fingertips and share with whomever happens upon their blog. They are brave souls and I would love to know how they do it without having a panic attack after hitting the post button!? It's a scary thing, sharing your soul with complete strangers. But, here I am, trying to get back on the horse...
Since my last post, I have experienced more roller coaster emotions. Have had several highs and a few lows. I'm happy to say that the highs are lasting longer and the lows are fleeting moments. I'm learning to trust in a new light, forgiving those who caused the hurt, and focusing on a brighter tomorrow.
I tend to look for the lessons in the painful situations I'm faced with. It seems to help me process and move forward. It sounds simple and easy, but the honest truth is, I would not be able to tell anyone HOW to do this! Not a clue. It is just something that I do. It usually involves serious internal turmoil and then just one day...BAM, the lesson is right there in my face and I use that as my focal point to move forward.
The most recent events have taught me that I have someone in my life that I want to work through the struggles that relationships are faced with. I don't want to run when things get hard. I want to do this right and that requires a lot of hard work, compromise, patience, and forgivness. It takes both parties working hard at those things to make something last and this situation showed me that I have someone who is willing to fight for it. Isn't that what we all want? Someone who doesn't want to run during the tough times, because there will always be challenges and it's nice to have someone with you during them.
In other news, fiby has been being a major bitch lately! Those who know me and want to know what it's like to live with fibromyalgia always ask me to describe it. My typical answer is, I am in some sort of pain every single day of my life. I find that they don't really want to know the truth because it makes them feel uncomfortable and I'm sure they wish they could empathize, but there is no way to really understand unless you live it. Basically, just imagine that on good days you hurt and on bad days you feel that the only real source of relief is through some form of mutilation to your body.
I'm hoping to get my act together and really start focusing on the natural ways to help tame my sidekick. When I'm not in pain and helping everyone else of course! HA!!! One day I will really focus on my health and be reporting about more good days rather than days where I want to chop off body parts. One day...
Now, time to do some front porch sitting and listening to great music to escape for a little while. Hopefully it is not weeks before the next entry...
Since my last post, I have experienced more roller coaster emotions. Have had several highs and a few lows. I'm happy to say that the highs are lasting longer and the lows are fleeting moments. I'm learning to trust in a new light, forgiving those who caused the hurt, and focusing on a brighter tomorrow.
I tend to look for the lessons in the painful situations I'm faced with. It seems to help me process and move forward. It sounds simple and easy, but the honest truth is, I would not be able to tell anyone HOW to do this! Not a clue. It is just something that I do. It usually involves serious internal turmoil and then just one day...BAM, the lesson is right there in my face and I use that as my focal point to move forward.
The most recent events have taught me that I have someone in my life that I want to work through the struggles that relationships are faced with. I don't want to run when things get hard. I want to do this right and that requires a lot of hard work, compromise, patience, and forgivness. It takes both parties working hard at those things to make something last and this situation showed me that I have someone who is willing to fight for it. Isn't that what we all want? Someone who doesn't want to run during the tough times, because there will always be challenges and it's nice to have someone with you during them.
In other news, fiby has been being a major bitch lately! Those who know me and want to know what it's like to live with fibromyalgia always ask me to describe it. My typical answer is, I am in some sort of pain every single day of my life. I find that they don't really want to know the truth because it makes them feel uncomfortable and I'm sure they wish they could empathize, but there is no way to really understand unless you live it. Basically, just imagine that on good days you hurt and on bad days you feel that the only real source of relief is through some form of mutilation to your body.
I'm hoping to get my act together and really start focusing on the natural ways to help tame my sidekick. When I'm not in pain and helping everyone else of course! HA!!! One day I will really focus on my health and be reporting about more good days rather than days where I want to chop off body parts. One day...
Now, time to do some front porch sitting and listening to great music to escape for a little while. Hopefully it is not weeks before the next entry...
2.12.2013
The process...
Feel deep down inside the pain of missing someone or something so badly it hurts. Notice the empty spaces between your heart that need filling. Tune into other aches in your body when your belly burns with red hot fire, pay attention. What is the source of your ache? What are you trying to digest that is too large, too hot, too unfamiliar to handle. Ache for the mothering you never got, the love you had and then lost, the love you never had at all. Ache to be touched, loved, adored. Ache for the sad woman down the block, the frightened child upstairs., the grieving parents around the corner. Let your heart ache and break and ache again - until it grows stronger and more able to open with ease.
It's been a little over a week since the revelation. A little over a week since my sanity and I were one. I have managed to hold together some form of composure in public quite well; all the while, inside my world is spinning. My emotions fluctuate by the hour, but the majority of the time I feel a little bit crazy and a lot a bit sad. Now, I have had a few days where I actually felt like I was climbing back onto solid ground for the majority of the day. Then you have the ones where you are enjoying a nice sunny afternoon with friends and one wrong word opens the flood gates. You play it off and place the blame on the bottles of bubbly you've been sharing and pray that they don't ask anymore questions, because there is just no way that you can explain.
I know this is all part of the healing process. I do. And, I know that I have to go through this so that I can come out stronger on the other side. I just can't seem to get past the fact that I think maybe I should be over it by now. I like to think that I'm a pretty strong individual, but I have to get over those notions. I have to just accept that this hit me pretty hard and allow myself to feel these things wihtout putting a time limit on how long they should last. I'm just not good at feeling out of control.
So, I will just keep on trying to allow myself this time of healing. Try to remind myself that there isn't a target date for when I'll be "over it". Just take each day as it is and I'm certain that one day this will be a distant memory.
One thing I know for certain at this moment in time is that doubt is a bitch. A really big bitch and she fucks with you.
Listening to music as I write and these lyrics practically slapped me... "Where is the final battle fought upon for my soul to see? Where all the ways to break me, they give up on me and all the ways to live, they come to rescue me."
It's been a little over a week since the revelation. A little over a week since my sanity and I were one. I have managed to hold together some form of composure in public quite well; all the while, inside my world is spinning. My emotions fluctuate by the hour, but the majority of the time I feel a little bit crazy and a lot a bit sad. Now, I have had a few days where I actually felt like I was climbing back onto solid ground for the majority of the day. Then you have the ones where you are enjoying a nice sunny afternoon with friends and one wrong word opens the flood gates. You play it off and place the blame on the bottles of bubbly you've been sharing and pray that they don't ask anymore questions, because there is just no way that you can explain.
I know this is all part of the healing process. I do. And, I know that I have to go through this so that I can come out stronger on the other side. I just can't seem to get past the fact that I think maybe I should be over it by now. I like to think that I'm a pretty strong individual, but I have to get over those notions. I have to just accept that this hit me pretty hard and allow myself to feel these things wihtout putting a time limit on how long they should last. I'm just not good at feeling out of control.
So, I will just keep on trying to allow myself this time of healing. Try to remind myself that there isn't a target date for when I'll be "over it". Just take each day as it is and I'm certain that one day this will be a distant memory.
One thing I know for certain at this moment in time is that doubt is a bitch. A really big bitch and she fucks with you.
Listening to music as I write and these lyrics practically slapped me... "Where is the final battle fought upon for my soul to see? Where all the ways to break me, they give up on me and all the ways to live, they come to rescue me."
1.23.2013
Dear Self,
You have a lot of things that are rolling around in that pretty head of yours (yes, I called myself pretty...get over it). You have the ability to begin these conversations that you are so afraid to have. Remind me again, why are you afraid? Oh yeah, because you're allowing your past to hold some control of your present and you're fearing the unknown. I thought we have been over this before! THAT.IS.NOT.COOL!
Listen to your gut. Pay attention to it and don't let your heart or silly thoughts mess with what it tells you. Ask your friends for advice, but don't let them completely control how YOU feel it is best to go about bringing these topics up. Maybe you don't play by these dating rules that people tell you about. Maybe you think those rules are completely silly because all you know is how to speak from the heart and be honest. That's OKAY! Maybe being completely honest and speaking from your heart will scare people away, but that just means they weren't supposed to be in your life in the first place.
I know all of the above is terrifying to you! Emotions are scary, but they are also so very wonderful. You know how to love and you know how to love with all of your heart. You deserve the very same in return. The thing is, you feel it. Truly feel it. When he tells you he loves you or that you're beautiful, you believe every single drop of those words. He makes you feel special and you find all of these little things that he does so very amazing! Let's be honest, it doesn't take much to make you happy. The wonderful thing is, you found someone who just knows all of these little ways of making your heart do somersaults.
The very scary reality of all of these amazing feelings of love is you don't really know if you're on the same path. Do you both want similar things for your future? You aren't getting any younger and there are things that you want in your future life. Things you deserve to have! And here you have found this person who makes you so happy, but there is a real possibility that he may not want the same things as you. That scares you. No, it terrifies you and makes you avoid those necessary conversations even more. Why? Because you've had to play the really strong logical person time and time again in the past and make those hard decisions. You don't really want to have to be that person again (who are you kidding, you're always going to be that person). But, the thing is, you won't know if you have to be that person if you don't start having these conversations. Isn't it better to find out sooner rather than a couple years down the road when frustration sets in?
Communication is key. Fear is stupid. You don't know anything until you really start talking. Just follow your gut. Listen to it and let it guide you. So what if you don't play by the dating rules/books!? Do what you know best and be you. If that scares him off then he wasn't meant for you in the first place. Hell, it's not like you want anything super serious tomorrow. That scares you as well, but you want to know if there is a possibility for that to grow. You deserve to know that.
You can do this. Let go of your past, let go of your fear, and speak your truth!
Listen to your gut. Pay attention to it and don't let your heart or silly thoughts mess with what it tells you. Ask your friends for advice, but don't let them completely control how YOU feel it is best to go about bringing these topics up. Maybe you don't play by these dating rules that people tell you about. Maybe you think those rules are completely silly because all you know is how to speak from the heart and be honest. That's OKAY! Maybe being completely honest and speaking from your heart will scare people away, but that just means they weren't supposed to be in your life in the first place.
I know all of the above is terrifying to you! Emotions are scary, but they are also so very wonderful. You know how to love and you know how to love with all of your heart. You deserve the very same in return. The thing is, you feel it. Truly feel it. When he tells you he loves you or that you're beautiful, you believe every single drop of those words. He makes you feel special and you find all of these little things that he does so very amazing! Let's be honest, it doesn't take much to make you happy. The wonderful thing is, you found someone who just knows all of these little ways of making your heart do somersaults.
The very scary reality of all of these amazing feelings of love is you don't really know if you're on the same path. Do you both want similar things for your future? You aren't getting any younger and there are things that you want in your future life. Things you deserve to have! And here you have found this person who makes you so happy, but there is a real possibility that he may not want the same things as you. That scares you. No, it terrifies you and makes you avoid those necessary conversations even more. Why? Because you've had to play the really strong logical person time and time again in the past and make those hard decisions. You don't really want to have to be that person again (who are you kidding, you're always going to be that person). But, the thing is, you won't know if you have to be that person if you don't start having these conversations. Isn't it better to find out sooner rather than a couple years down the road when frustration sets in?
Communication is key. Fear is stupid. You don't know anything until you really start talking. Just follow your gut. Listen to it and let it guide you. So what if you don't play by the dating rules/books!? Do what you know best and be you. If that scares him off then he wasn't meant for you in the first place. Hell, it's not like you want anything super serious tomorrow. That scares you as well, but you want to know if there is a possibility for that to grow. You deserve to know that.
You can do this. Let go of your past, let go of your fear, and speak your truth!
9.18.2012
Time to be a better sister...
I've stumbled upon a new AMAZING blog! Actually, that's a lie. No stumbling happened. The Madre actually informed me that I needed to read it. I've been obsessed with it ever since.
Please do yourself a favor and go find Momastery (I still have come no further in learning how to correctly blog on my ipad; therefore, no linking to said blog will be happening)! I don't think you will be sorry. We can all relate in one way or another. I've laughed and cried.
For me, this blog has really helped me relate to the sister. At least, I feel like maybe I kind of understand her a little bit better. The sister is a lost soul. A beautiful beautiful, but very lost soul. Due to this, she is floating through this life and doing everything possible to avoid reality.
It also made me feel like I am a shit sister. I'm doing it all wrong and this whole time I thought I was doing it right. I thought all of my tough love would wake her up. It won't. I am slowly realizing this. It does not mean that tough love will not continue. I think there will still be a need for it, but I think I need to step up my role as a support. As a true sister and less of a second mother to her (poor baby has always had two mama's).
The sister has a lot of our father in her. This is a scary reality! The father has a big heart and is a good person, but he is broken. Like the sister, he avoids reality and drowns his pain in wine. Big gallons of it (Carlo Rossi Blush to be exact and sometimes he reverts back to his liquor days). With each sip I'm certain he relaxes as all feelings begin to float away and numbness sets in. I believe that the sister does this in other ways. She won't really admit to it, but all signs are pointing in that general direction. The escape from reality route. The one where she doesn't have to grow up, face her fears, or take responsibility for her life. It's easy for her there in this bubble and it is maddening for those around her that love her.
I wish that I could fix the sister, but I know that she is going to have to figure this out on her own. All that I can really do is provide unconditional love and support. I will have to re-train my brain on how to do this for her. I think that I do a pretty good job at this for my friends. The just listening and giving sound advice when needed. Now I just need to apply this to the sister. Be her safe place because she needs that and she needs that from someone who loves her with an incomparable ferocity.
I'm just the girl for the job...
Please do yourself a favor and go find Momastery (I still have come no further in learning how to correctly blog on my ipad; therefore, no linking to said blog will be happening)! I don't think you will be sorry. We can all relate in one way or another. I've laughed and cried.
For me, this blog has really helped me relate to the sister. At least, I feel like maybe I kind of understand her a little bit better. The sister is a lost soul. A beautiful beautiful, but very lost soul. Due to this, she is floating through this life and doing everything possible to avoid reality.
It also made me feel like I am a shit sister. I'm doing it all wrong and this whole time I thought I was doing it right. I thought all of my tough love would wake her up. It won't. I am slowly realizing this. It does not mean that tough love will not continue. I think there will still be a need for it, but I think I need to step up my role as a support. As a true sister and less of a second mother to her (poor baby has always had two mama's).
The sister has a lot of our father in her. This is a scary reality! The father has a big heart and is a good person, but he is broken. Like the sister, he avoids reality and drowns his pain in wine. Big gallons of it (Carlo Rossi Blush to be exact and sometimes he reverts back to his liquor days). With each sip I'm certain he relaxes as all feelings begin to float away and numbness sets in. I believe that the sister does this in other ways. She won't really admit to it, but all signs are pointing in that general direction. The escape from reality route. The one where she doesn't have to grow up, face her fears, or take responsibility for her life. It's easy for her there in this bubble and it is maddening for those around her that love her.
I wish that I could fix the sister, but I know that she is going to have to figure this out on her own. All that I can really do is provide unconditional love and support. I will have to re-train my brain on how to do this for her. I think that I do a pretty good job at this for my friends. The just listening and giving sound advice when needed. Now I just need to apply this to the sister. Be her safe place because she needs that and she needs that from someone who loves her with an incomparable ferocity.
I'm just the girl for the job...
4.04.2012
FEEL...
Feel the pain, feel the joy, until you feel you'll surely evaporate. Stop holding back from laughing with your belly, loving from the deepest places of your heart, swooning with the sensuality of life itself. Feel how good it feels to love another human...and if you're lucky, to be loved in return. Feel the warmth inside you when you do the right thing. Feel the fire that's ignited when someone tramples that which matters to you. When another's disregard or arrogance enrages you, feel the anger rise up and roar! Let your honest feelings come through, even the ones that make other people squirm. If you're not truly feelinng, you're not truly alive...you're just going through the motions and getting nothing in return.
I think that I truly feel with almost every aspect of my life. I allow myself to feel the raw emotions that life throws at you and I appreciate all of those moments because they allow you to grow and learn about yourself. There is one part of my life however, that I feel hits a brick wall. The feelings will begin to bubble to the surface and then...I just panic. I can't really describe it any other way.
These feelings that I'm talking about are those that revolve around "romantic" interactions with men. I came close to allowing myself to really feel something for someone two years ago, but I had this gnawing feeling in my gut that it just wasn't right. Something was missing even though I had developed some emotional attachment towards this individual. Cue meeting an individual a year ago and having this instant attraction. At that initial time events did not occur how I would have necessarily wanted them to and there was a portion of time where this person was not in my life in any way. Yet again I had this gnawing gut feeling, but this time it was knowing that this person was not out of my life forever. I knew that our paths would cross again. Those guts...they don't lie!
Flash forward to now and I was right or rather my gut was right! Our paths crossed again alright and events are happening in ways that I like. The problem now lies in the fact that I have feelings for this person. Feelings that I have surely never felt before and quite frankly, they scare the ever living daylights out of me!!! I guess that it is slightly okay that they are scary because anything worth while is a little bit scary at first...right? At least I think I read some inspirational quote that was along those lines.
Part of me feels that if I allow myself to really go there...to that place of letting the walls come crumbling down and open myself up to being "vulnerable", that things will change. That his feelings will change and this thing we have going will just stop. On the other hand, I know that if I don't share much of how I feel or show that I actually have emotions what we have going could stop and I could be left with regret of not really expressing myself. Such a conundrum that I am in!
I should probably just risk it. I do know that if you don't really try, you will never really know how it all could play out. Maybe feelings on his end would change and things would just stop. At least I would know that I put it out there and tried. Or maybe, just maybe, things could work out and I could allow myself to really feel and maybe even fall in that big L word.
One thing that I do know for certain about these feelings that are forming; it is pretty amazing with how far I have come from the insecure individual who was madly in love with the wrong person. How this time I am happy with who I am and what I have to offer. That I know if things don't work out the way I imagine them I know I will be sad, very sad and it will take time to heal, but my world won't fall apart. That I like exactly who he is and have no desire to change him (let's face it most women or even men enter a relationship type situation and think they can change the things they don't like...such fools).
Guess it's time to start pushing past the fear and tear down this wall. It may be brick by brick, but at least it will be progress..right? Baby steps...
I think that I truly feel with almost every aspect of my life. I allow myself to feel the raw emotions that life throws at you and I appreciate all of those moments because they allow you to grow and learn about yourself. There is one part of my life however, that I feel hits a brick wall. The feelings will begin to bubble to the surface and then...I just panic. I can't really describe it any other way.
These feelings that I'm talking about are those that revolve around "romantic" interactions with men. I came close to allowing myself to really feel something for someone two years ago, but I had this gnawing feeling in my gut that it just wasn't right. Something was missing even though I had developed some emotional attachment towards this individual. Cue meeting an individual a year ago and having this instant attraction. At that initial time events did not occur how I would have necessarily wanted them to and there was a portion of time where this person was not in my life in any way. Yet again I had this gnawing gut feeling, but this time it was knowing that this person was not out of my life forever. I knew that our paths would cross again. Those guts...they don't lie!
Flash forward to now and I was right or rather my gut was right! Our paths crossed again alright and events are happening in ways that I like. The problem now lies in the fact that I have feelings for this person. Feelings that I have surely never felt before and quite frankly, they scare the ever living daylights out of me!!! I guess that it is slightly okay that they are scary because anything worth while is a little bit scary at first...right? At least I think I read some inspirational quote that was along those lines.
Part of me feels that if I allow myself to really go there...to that place of letting the walls come crumbling down and open myself up to being "vulnerable", that things will change. That his feelings will change and this thing we have going will just stop. On the other hand, I know that if I don't share much of how I feel or show that I actually have emotions what we have going could stop and I could be left with regret of not really expressing myself. Such a conundrum that I am in!
I should probably just risk it. I do know that if you don't really try, you will never really know how it all could play out. Maybe feelings on his end would change and things would just stop. At least I would know that I put it out there and tried. Or maybe, just maybe, things could work out and I could allow myself to really feel and maybe even fall in that big L word.
One thing that I do know for certain about these feelings that are forming; it is pretty amazing with how far I have come from the insecure individual who was madly in love with the wrong person. How this time I am happy with who I am and what I have to offer. That I know if things don't work out the way I imagine them I know I will be sad, very sad and it will take time to heal, but my world won't fall apart. That I like exactly who he is and have no desire to change him (let's face it most women or even men enter a relationship type situation and think they can change the things they don't like...such fools).
Guess it's time to start pushing past the fear and tear down this wall. It may be brick by brick, but at least it will be progress..right? Baby steps...
10.29.2011
A little front porch sitting...
disclaimer-I'm going to attempt a Saturday regular of my thoughts entitled "a little front porch sitting". We will see how long it lasts. Also, this may or may not be a long one!
October is slipping through my fingers. I feel as if I posted about my love for this month yesterday! Time is really going by entirely too fast. Why is it as we get older time seems to hit the fast forward button? I guess it is just greater affirmation that we need to enjoy the moment we are in and not focus on the past or future because if we do that we are missing out on the moments in front of our face. I need to keep reminding myself of this! "Time...it's the most valuable thing you have and it's always depreciating!" ~words from a dear friend.
Being present minded...I wish it wasn't easier said than done! You can attempt to move forward, but you'll have those people in your life that will pull you into the past. They will not let go of moments and they will find ways to remind you of those moments! They kind of remind me of quicksand because no matter how much you struggle to get up and move on, they will hold on with a fierce grip and pull you down back into those memories.
So, yet again life has slapped me in the face with another lesson learned! Don't put your energy into friendships when these "friends" don't reciprocate the energy. Friendship is a two way street and if people can't accept you for who you are (good, bad, and indifferent) they are not a true friend. If they can't forgive (don't expect them to forget though)it is probably better to move forward. "Friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway."~ unknown
I like to think that I'm pretty logical when it comes to life. I can own up to the wrong that I have done. For me there is no sense in denying it because we all will do wrong and cause grief or heartache for others in our life. Most of the time it is not intentional and there is some underlying emotion that brings our ugly side out. Some skeleton in the closet that likes to rear it's ugly head from time to time. By no means does it make those actions okay! And maybe not...maybe your life is straight rainbows and unicorns and you have never caused hurt for someone else! Doubtful though.
I also realize there is a fine line in this particular life lesson of mine. When someone owns up to their struggles that person has to make an effort to change it. The other party can only put up with things for so long before it becomes too much. I get this and probably understand this better than they do. Because I went through it...I was the other person putting up with someone struggling. Albeit a different type of relationship, but there comes a time when you either cut that person out of your life or you accept them for who they are and you CAN'T continuously punish them or bring up the past. Holding onto to those moments doesn't do anyone any good. It just causes pain for the person trying to change and for the person holding the grudge, it poisons your soul.
If you are experiencing a struggle in a relationship of yours and despite what side you are on, ask yourself, Is it time to cut my losses or forgive? Either way you must move forward! Holding onto the past will only break you down. Work on today so that your tomorrow can be a better one! Forgive others and yourself when you fall because we will always fall. It's how you handle picking yourself up that shows your strength.
For those of you who have come into my life and left...thank you! For those who have come into my life and stayed...thank you! You have each taught me a valuable lesson in life and have made me a better and stronger person. I am forever grateful for those lessons, even if they were painful ones!
Here's to moving FORWARD...
October is slipping through my fingers. I feel as if I posted about my love for this month yesterday! Time is really going by entirely too fast. Why is it as we get older time seems to hit the fast forward button? I guess it is just greater affirmation that we need to enjoy the moment we are in and not focus on the past or future because if we do that we are missing out on the moments in front of our face. I need to keep reminding myself of this! "Time...it's the most valuable thing you have and it's always depreciating!" ~words from a dear friend.
Being present minded...I wish it wasn't easier said than done! You can attempt to move forward, but you'll have those people in your life that will pull you into the past. They will not let go of moments and they will find ways to remind you of those moments! They kind of remind me of quicksand because no matter how much you struggle to get up and move on, they will hold on with a fierce grip and pull you down back into those memories.
So, yet again life has slapped me in the face with another lesson learned! Don't put your energy into friendships when these "friends" don't reciprocate the energy. Friendship is a two way street and if people can't accept you for who you are (good, bad, and indifferent) they are not a true friend. If they can't forgive (don't expect them to forget though)it is probably better to move forward. "Friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway."~ unknown
I like to think that I'm pretty logical when it comes to life. I can own up to the wrong that I have done. For me there is no sense in denying it because we all will do wrong and cause grief or heartache for others in our life. Most of the time it is not intentional and there is some underlying emotion that brings our ugly side out. Some skeleton in the closet that likes to rear it's ugly head from time to time. By no means does it make those actions okay! And maybe not...maybe your life is straight rainbows and unicorns and you have never caused hurt for someone else! Doubtful though.
I also realize there is a fine line in this particular life lesson of mine. When someone owns up to their struggles that person has to make an effort to change it. The other party can only put up with things for so long before it becomes too much. I get this and probably understand this better than they do. Because I went through it...I was the other person putting up with someone struggling. Albeit a different type of relationship, but there comes a time when you either cut that person out of your life or you accept them for who they are and you CAN'T continuously punish them or bring up the past. Holding onto to those moments doesn't do anyone any good. It just causes pain for the person trying to change and for the person holding the grudge, it poisons your soul.
If you are experiencing a struggle in a relationship of yours and despite what side you are on, ask yourself, Is it time to cut my losses or forgive? Either way you must move forward! Holding onto the past will only break you down. Work on today so that your tomorrow can be a better one! Forgive others and yourself when you fall because we will always fall. It's how you handle picking yourself up that shows your strength.
For those of you who have come into my life and left...thank you! For those who have come into my life and stayed...thank you! You have each taught me a valuable lesson in life and have made me a better and stronger person. I am forever grateful for those lessons, even if they were painful ones!
Here's to moving FORWARD...
8.02.2011
ramblings...
I have a need to write...it helps make a small piece of my world feel whole. I'm not extremely talented (not even a little bit talented) and it's not something that I do for anyone other than myself. So, why do I make it public? I don't know...I get something out of sharing I guess.
Tonight, I can't promise to make sense, but I just felt a need to write. To listen to good music and write. I have kind of been neglecting this outlet lately. Not that I have not wanted to write, but just that I haven't wanted to share my thoughts. Been too tired and have too many other things going on. I have needed to take some things in and really spin them around in my head and digest them.
I've been feeling out of sorts. Thinking that it is time for change, but what would I change? I love where I live and I adore the people in my life. Every single day when I make the drive home from work I feel overwhelmingly thankful. My surroundings are truly breathtaking and I'm so lucky! I adore the friends that I have here. So, why do I feel alone?
I feel (warning: this is my perspective) that as a friend I'm pretty darn giving. When I care about someone and say that I love them...I mean it! I know that I can care too much and can be a sentimental sap. My ways of showing that I care are usually through mushy sayings, big bear hugs, or lending an open ear so that you can pour your heart out. I'll go places with you just so you don't have to be alone. I'll travel hours out of my way to be there during a tough situation. I'll send you 100 texts throughout the day to check up and just let you know that I care. Because this is all that I know how to do. It may not be enough and it may not be exactly what is needed, but that is what I offer.
Now don't get it twisted...I am not the ideal friend. I avoid actually picking up the phone and calling as much as I can (not a fan of talking on the phone). I can put my two sense in and tell you what I think you need to hear instead of telling you what you want to hear. I forget to send a card for birthdays and sometimes have a hard time remembering the actual day (I blame my shitty memory for this). I am far from a perfect friend, but I am not FAKE! Trust me, if I don't like you, you will know it. I won't be mean (unless you are a real ass and deserve it), but I'm not going out of my way to pay you any mind.
I'm fairly certain that these feelings I've been having have everything to do with me and nothing to do with people around me. I need to take a step back and examine myself. What am I putting out to the world? What do I need to learn from this to be a stronger/better person? But, don't you ever have moments when you want to stop being the strong person? To want to have someone who can carry your burdens for a little while? Being strong can be exhausting at times. However, I find writing this is making me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable...even thought about deleting the whole post a few times, but that kind of defeats the purpose of this outlet...right?
I just have an over crowded brain right now! I need to allow myself to deal with some things from my recent past. I have to let go of some friends reactions to some of those things. Maybe this is a start to that process? Maybe I can rid the feeling of being alone in a place I love. Maybe I won't have to leave. Or maybe an opportunity will present itself and I will leave and I will grow and learn and become a better person? I'd like to think that go or stay this hiccup in my world will lead to bigger and better. Lord knows I've experienced MANY hiccups in my life and I always end up better because of them. It's just harder to see it when you're in it...you know?
Oh dear...this was one heck of a rambling session. If you've made it this far...congrats/sorry! You got a glimpse of my hectic brain.
Also...I've been challenging myself lately. To be more honest about my feelings despite feeling vulnerable. To throw more caution to the wind instead of calculating every risk. This post is an attempt to that challenge.
Tonight, I can't promise to make sense, but I just felt a need to write. To listen to good music and write. I have kind of been neglecting this outlet lately. Not that I have not wanted to write, but just that I haven't wanted to share my thoughts. Been too tired and have too many other things going on. I have needed to take some things in and really spin them around in my head and digest them.
I've been feeling out of sorts. Thinking that it is time for change, but what would I change? I love where I live and I adore the people in my life. Every single day when I make the drive home from work I feel overwhelmingly thankful. My surroundings are truly breathtaking and I'm so lucky! I adore the friends that I have here. So, why do I feel alone?
I feel (warning: this is my perspective) that as a friend I'm pretty darn giving. When I care about someone and say that I love them...I mean it! I know that I can care too much and can be a sentimental sap. My ways of showing that I care are usually through mushy sayings, big bear hugs, or lending an open ear so that you can pour your heart out. I'll go places with you just so you don't have to be alone. I'll travel hours out of my way to be there during a tough situation. I'll send you 100 texts throughout the day to check up and just let you know that I care. Because this is all that I know how to do. It may not be enough and it may not be exactly what is needed, but that is what I offer.
Now don't get it twisted...I am not the ideal friend. I avoid actually picking up the phone and calling as much as I can (not a fan of talking on the phone). I can put my two sense in and tell you what I think you need to hear instead of telling you what you want to hear. I forget to send a card for birthdays and sometimes have a hard time remembering the actual day (I blame my shitty memory for this). I am far from a perfect friend, but I am not FAKE! Trust me, if I don't like you, you will know it. I won't be mean (unless you are a real ass and deserve it), but I'm not going out of my way to pay you any mind.
I'm fairly certain that these feelings I've been having have everything to do with me and nothing to do with people around me. I need to take a step back and examine myself. What am I putting out to the world? What do I need to learn from this to be a stronger/better person? But, don't you ever have moments when you want to stop being the strong person? To want to have someone who can carry your burdens for a little while? Being strong can be exhausting at times. However, I find writing this is making me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable...even thought about deleting the whole post a few times, but that kind of defeats the purpose of this outlet...right?
I just have an over crowded brain right now! I need to allow myself to deal with some things from my recent past. I have to let go of some friends reactions to some of those things. Maybe this is a start to that process? Maybe I can rid the feeling of being alone in a place I love. Maybe I won't have to leave. Or maybe an opportunity will present itself and I will leave and I will grow and learn and become a better person? I'd like to think that go or stay this hiccup in my world will lead to bigger and better. Lord knows I've experienced MANY hiccups in my life and I always end up better because of them. It's just harder to see it when you're in it...you know?
Oh dear...this was one heck of a rambling session. If you've made it this far...congrats/sorry! You got a glimpse of my hectic brain.
Also...I've been challenging myself lately. To be more honest about my feelings despite feeling vulnerable. To throw more caution to the wind instead of calculating every risk. This post is an attempt to that challenge.
7.22.2011
Music Therapy...
My brain is crowded...overflowing if you will. The words won't come out and in times like these I find that music is the best form of therapy and often find that some lyrics express my thoughts better than I can. Anyone else feel the same way?
Not only the words, but the melodies speak to me and I really feel it (of course I feel it in my interpretation of the song)! Treating myself to some music therapy tonight and sharing some lyrics too...of course if I could link I'd share the actual song, but alas no such luck!
Enjoy...
"Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone
But you'd have to walk a thousand miles
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like
To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others' minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others' eyes" ~ Eminem...Beautiful (especially loving these lyrics right now)
"So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost Lovers always do" ~ A Fine Frenzy Almost Lovers
"What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine
With a fire in my bones and the sweet taste of kerosene
I get lost in the night so high I don't want to come down" ~ Kings of Leon Revelry
"When it's good then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, "Never again"
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend". ~Pink Sober
Also, wildly in love with the entire Mumford and Sons album...I would quote most of their lyrics, but instead I'll just advise that you listen to it...
Not only the words, but the melodies speak to me and I really feel it (of course I feel it in my interpretation of the song)! Treating myself to some music therapy tonight and sharing some lyrics too...of course if I could link I'd share the actual song, but alas no such luck!
Enjoy...
"Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone
But you'd have to walk a thousand miles
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like
To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others' minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others' eyes" ~ Eminem...Beautiful (especially loving these lyrics right now)
"So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost Lovers always do" ~ A Fine Frenzy Almost Lovers
"What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine
With a fire in my bones and the sweet taste of kerosene
I get lost in the night so high I don't want to come down" ~ Kings of Leon Revelry
"When it's good then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, "Never again"
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend". ~Pink Sober
Also, wildly in love with the entire Mumford and Sons album...I would quote most of their lyrics, but instead I'll just advise that you listen to it...
7.07.2011
On not accepting fear...
I recently answered the first of my "50 ?'s to free my mind" and I'd love to link you to that post (still figuring out blogging on an iPad...not so successfull), but it revolved around fear and my nightly meditation is also based around fear. I also happened to run across a great post on fear today and you can find it below (again prob won't be able to link, but I think it's worth a copy paste).
I think that God is trying to tell me something here! I'm not sure what I fear...okay I do!!!
But, it is not worth fearing and it's only holding me back from happiness. Got it...working on it!
So let's meditate on this:
When you are afraid of anything, you are acknowledging its power to hurt you. Remember that where your heart is, there is treasure also. You believe in what you value. If you are afraid, you are valuing wrongly.
THAT is good stuff. Now to actually attempt to meditate...
http://www.lcweekly.com/the-best-life/2134-its-your-choice
I think that God is trying to tell me something here! I'm not sure what I fear...okay I do!!!
But, it is not worth fearing and it's only holding me back from happiness. Got it...working on it!
So let's meditate on this:
When you are afraid of anything, you are acknowledging its power to hurt you. Remember that where your heart is, there is treasure also. You believe in what you value. If you are afraid, you are valuing wrongly.
THAT is good stuff. Now to actually attempt to meditate...
http://www.lcweekly.com/the-best-life/2134-its-your-choice
7.05.2011
Meditate on this...
Part of my 101 in 1001 involves less stress and learning to meditate. Being the book lover that I am I stumbled upon this gem: Meditations from A Course in Miracles. I've been reading though this each night before bed to hopefully help shed some light and maybe bring inner peace. We shall see how it really works out (truth be told it gets my mind racing again, but in a good way...I think).
Anywho, I thought I'd share some of my nightly choices with y'all, but I'm not going to promise that I stick to posting one each night. Knowing me...I won't! Or maybe I will!
On the lessons of life (this was a good one for me y'all)
"Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought you."
Enjoy and share thoughts if you'd like...
Anywho, I thought I'd share some of my nightly choices with y'all, but I'm not going to promise that I stick to posting one each night. Knowing me...I won't! Or maybe I will!
On the lessons of life (this was a good one for me y'all)
"Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought you."
Enjoy and share thoughts if you'd like...
6.12.2011
50 ?'s to free your mind...
I heard or rather read about these 50 ?'s to free your mind and was immediately intrigued. I quickly googled and then copy and pasted these thought provokers into my notes and there they have stayed for months. I from time to time will re-visit them in hopes that my brain will want to take a stab at actually answering some of these and each time I tap out. I think this is because I read each question and become overwhelmed? Possibly! Or, my brain is lazy. I have decided to take a new approach and will take this one question at a time. I will not search for the question that I feel most comfortable starting with and inevitably scare myself off from even starting to think about answering any of them.
So, here we go...the first question of the 50 that will hopefully "free" my mind.
1)Which is worse, failing or never trying?
I'm going to go with never trying! But, since this is about being 100 with yourself; I'm gonna call myself out and say that too often I have shied away from trying something in fear of failing! I think this is due to the fact that I'm a bit of a perfectionist and want to be the best at everything. I know that the fear of failing has held me back from what could have been awesome experiences or at the very least, a really funny story. Once I realized this I made a more conscience effort to kick that fears ass!
It is okay to try and fail! It can lead to some amazing learning experiences. Or, like I said some great belly laughing tales. Sure, sometimes you may feel a little bruised after your attempt ends in a big fat FAIL, but how boring to always sit on the sidelines of life to keep your ego intact?! I have adopted the laughing it off method when my attempts go awry. It works and burns calories!
Now, how amazing would I be if I always followed this method?! Super, but unfortunately I would also be a liar and well, liars are not cool in my book. So, yes, I have those moments when I've tried something (like casting the shrimp net) and was less than successful (but still pretty freaking good for my very first time mind you) and get frustrated (because it wasn't perfect) and want to throw my hands up in the air and stomp my feet like a two year old. I may curse and get snippy with whomever is lending kind tips of advice and deliver looks that could kill.I eventually end up reeling myself in, taking deep breaths and then try again with fierce determination. Yeah, I can be pretty ridiculous!
The point is I'm making more of an effort to try more things instead of letting fear grip me by the balls (metaphorically speaking of course! If we want to be more anatomically correct, I suppose I would say: instead of letting fear grip me by the labia? That would hurt). And, while the thought of failing will make my heart beat faster and my palms sweaty; the thought of never trying has become far more terrifying!
What about you...do you fear failing or never trying? I'm curious...
So, here we go...the first question of the 50 that will hopefully "free" my mind.
1)Which is worse, failing or never trying?
I'm going to go with never trying! But, since this is about being 100 with yourself; I'm gonna call myself out and say that too often I have shied away from trying something in fear of failing! I think this is due to the fact that I'm a bit of a perfectionist and want to be the best at everything. I know that the fear of failing has held me back from what could have been awesome experiences or at the very least, a really funny story. Once I realized this I made a more conscience effort to kick that fears ass!
It is okay to try and fail! It can lead to some amazing learning experiences. Or, like I said some great belly laughing tales. Sure, sometimes you may feel a little bruised after your attempt ends in a big fat FAIL, but how boring to always sit on the sidelines of life to keep your ego intact?! I have adopted the laughing it off method when my attempts go awry. It works and burns calories!
Now, how amazing would I be if I always followed this method?! Super, but unfortunately I would also be a liar and well, liars are not cool in my book. So, yes, I have those moments when I've tried something (like casting the shrimp net) and was less than successful (but still pretty freaking good for my very first time mind you) and get frustrated (because it wasn't perfect) and want to throw my hands up in the air and stomp my feet like a two year old. I may curse and get snippy with whomever is lending kind tips of advice and deliver looks that could kill.I eventually end up reeling myself in, taking deep breaths and then try again with fierce determination. Yeah, I can be pretty ridiculous!
The point is I'm making more of an effort to try more things instead of letting fear grip me by the balls (metaphorically speaking of course! If we want to be more anatomically correct, I suppose I would say: instead of letting fear grip me by the labia? That would hurt). And, while the thought of failing will make my heart beat faster and my palms sweaty; the thought of never trying has become far more terrifying!
What about you...do you fear failing or never trying? I'm curious...
5.19.2011
I broke out the red wine again...
And not because I was crawling out of my skin this time. No, no not that, but a whole other mess of things...
I have internally been going through a crazy range of emotions. I've been digesting some realities that I wanted to bury. It is easier to live in the land of make believe and pretend this nightmare is really just that...a nightmare. I am not fully prepared to face the beast head on, but I know that day is coming. I'm trying to prepare myself.
My heart is breaking for one of my very best friends in the whole wide world. A woman who is a sister to me, who I am able to share my ugly past with and not feel shame or make excuses for those involved with it. Someone who gets me! Sadly because she experienced very similar situations. She is beginning the process of the big D and I want more than anything to mend her broken heart. To make it better, easier, less painful. But I can't! Instead, I give whatever advice I can and tell her I love her over and over. I know my words don't ease the pain, but the honest to goodness truth is...if I could take it from her, I would!
Do you think that when it comes to being in love there is a time limit? That you fall in love with a person and once you have learned whatever it is you were supposed to and evolved as much as you are going to evolve, it is time to move on to the next? I've only been in love once so I am far from an expert in this area. I gather this conclusion on what I have witnessed around me. Maybe we aren't supposed to be with one person for the rest of our lives? Maybe that kind of lasting love is to be kept amongst friends and family? I don't know, but I'm getting sidetracked.
Back to where I was going...many of the people that I hold so dear to my heart are going through a hardship in one form or another. I want more than anything to take it away from them and make it instantaneously better. But, I know better! That is not how life works. They need to experience this time for one reason or another and when they come out on top, (because I have all the confidence in the world that they all will) they will reflect on these hardships with some joy in knowing they made it through. They will grow as individuals and be one step closer to who they are supposed to be. I just hope they know I'm a shoulder to cry on when they need it.
This is just the uber compassionate side of me coming out right now. This part of me that loves with every fiber in my being, that is beyond sentimental, that really feels for my loved ones when they are struggling. This is a part of who I am!
I'm not making much sense right now. I'm not sure if it is the red wine or the emotions all trying to rush out of me at once. I think it's time to switch to the journal...
I have internally been going through a crazy range of emotions. I've been digesting some realities that I wanted to bury. It is easier to live in the land of make believe and pretend this nightmare is really just that...a nightmare. I am not fully prepared to face the beast head on, but I know that day is coming. I'm trying to prepare myself.
My heart is breaking for one of my very best friends in the whole wide world. A woman who is a sister to me, who I am able to share my ugly past with and not feel shame or make excuses for those involved with it. Someone who gets me! Sadly because she experienced very similar situations. She is beginning the process of the big D and I want more than anything to mend her broken heart. To make it better, easier, less painful. But I can't! Instead, I give whatever advice I can and tell her I love her over and over. I know my words don't ease the pain, but the honest to goodness truth is...if I could take it from her, I would!
Do you think that when it comes to being in love there is a time limit? That you fall in love with a person and once you have learned whatever it is you were supposed to and evolved as much as you are going to evolve, it is time to move on to the next? I've only been in love once so I am far from an expert in this area. I gather this conclusion on what I have witnessed around me. Maybe we aren't supposed to be with one person for the rest of our lives? Maybe that kind of lasting love is to be kept amongst friends and family? I don't know, but I'm getting sidetracked.
Back to where I was going...many of the people that I hold so dear to my heart are going through a hardship in one form or another. I want more than anything to take it away from them and make it instantaneously better. But, I know better! That is not how life works. They need to experience this time for one reason or another and when they come out on top, (because I have all the confidence in the world that they all will) they will reflect on these hardships with some joy in knowing they made it through. They will grow as individuals and be one step closer to who they are supposed to be. I just hope they know I'm a shoulder to cry on when they need it.
This is just the uber compassionate side of me coming out right now. This part of me that loves with every fiber in my being, that is beyond sentimental, that really feels for my loved ones when they are struggling. This is a part of who I am!
I'm not making much sense right now. I'm not sure if it is the red wine or the emotions all trying to rush out of me at once. I think it's time to switch to the journal...
5.17.2011
ranting and raving...
Do you ever have moments when you want to jump out of your skin!? When you are completely and miserably uncomfortable in your body? When you just want to break free and go running for the hills? I do!!!
I couldn't tell you the reason why I get this way, but it does happen from time to time. It is a terrible feeling and leaves me highly irritated with everything and everyone. Which in turn leaves me highly irritated with myself because this isn't ME! Maybe it is a combination of the stress that builds up at work having to deal with the only person I've ever met that makes my blood boil in 2.5 seconds and Fiby playing her nasty tricks? I'm thinking I've hit the nail on the head!
Maybe I'm desperately grabbing onto every thread of sanity I have in me and on days such as these I'm losing the tug of war with Fiby? Maybe its my sanity trying to escape to take a fucking break? I'm telling you that I sometimes surprise myself with how well I handle Fiby because I can guarantee you living in pain EVERY fucking day of your life is more than enough to drive a person insane! I have my stubbornness to Thank for not caving in.
So, here I am trying to sooth my soul by letting the thoughts flow onto this post, sipping cheap (and surprisingly decent) red wine, and listening to music that speaks to me. Writing has always had a way of making me feel better..a way to release and let go. Unfortunately, Fiby has staked her claims on my brain as well and sometimes writing can leave me more frustrated than when I started. Not all of the time, but there are moments when I experience what they like to call Fibro fog and it leaves me feeling like a ratard (I spelled it that way on purpose)! The words I'm searching for, that ive used a million times before, playing hide and seek in my brain; taunting me by peaking out of the corners, but never fully showing themselves. Which results in blank stares (while I'm feverishly searching my brain) and something completely ridiculous stumbling out of my mouth or onto my posts. How did I end up here? Way to go brain for taking me on a different path!
I'm beginning to relax. I can feel my sanity nestling back to where it belongs. I no longer want to jump out of my skin! Yesssss...Thank you fibro fog for taking a backseat, wine for taking the edge off, and music for being so damn good to me! Now if only I had a tub so I could soak my aching body...
I couldn't tell you the reason why I get this way, but it does happen from time to time. It is a terrible feeling and leaves me highly irritated with everything and everyone. Which in turn leaves me highly irritated with myself because this isn't ME! Maybe it is a combination of the stress that builds up at work having to deal with the only person I've ever met that makes my blood boil in 2.5 seconds and Fiby playing her nasty tricks? I'm thinking I've hit the nail on the head!
Maybe I'm desperately grabbing onto every thread of sanity I have in me and on days such as these I'm losing the tug of war with Fiby? Maybe its my sanity trying to escape to take a fucking break? I'm telling you that I sometimes surprise myself with how well I handle Fiby because I can guarantee you living in pain EVERY fucking day of your life is more than enough to drive a person insane! I have my stubbornness to Thank for not caving in.
So, here I am trying to sooth my soul by letting the thoughts flow onto this post, sipping cheap (and surprisingly decent) red wine, and listening to music that speaks to me. Writing has always had a way of making me feel better..a way to release and let go. Unfortunately, Fiby has staked her claims on my brain as well and sometimes writing can leave me more frustrated than when I started. Not all of the time, but there are moments when I experience what they like to call Fibro fog and it leaves me feeling like a ratard (I spelled it that way on purpose)! The words I'm searching for, that ive used a million times before, playing hide and seek in my brain; taunting me by peaking out of the corners, but never fully showing themselves. Which results in blank stares (while I'm feverishly searching my brain) and something completely ridiculous stumbling out of my mouth or onto my posts. How did I end up here? Way to go brain for taking me on a different path!
I'm beginning to relax. I can feel my sanity nestling back to where it belongs. I no longer want to jump out of my skin! Yesssss...Thank you fibro fog for taking a backseat, wine for taking the edge off, and music for being so damn good to me! Now if only I had a tub so I could soak my aching body...
4.16.2011
Challenges make you stronger right...
How do you handle a dear friend not knowing how to be around you? Not because of something you necessarily did, but because of something that happened to you!
A test of our friendship I guess you could say. I'm not thrilled that it has to be tested. In fact it leaves me very VERY sad! I'm praying that it only makes the bond stronger in the end because I'll tell you right now that if it ends broken, another chunk of my heart will turn to ice. I'm not good at handling giving my all in any type of relationship and it falling to pieces. Something I CLEARLY need to work on because it is a part of life and Lord willing I've got a lot more life to live.
This now, almost all out in the open, revelation of honest feelings has also lead to me having to deal with some things. The truth stings all the way down to the core. Not something that I've been denying. Actually, it is something that I've come to a conclusion to two summers ago and have been working on. I've fallen a few times and let me tell you, I don't need anyone to be hard on me for it because I do a phenomenal job at being hard on myself.
I'm so far from perfect it isn't funny, but one thing that I like to think is in my favor, is my realization of my faults. I know I have issues I need to deal with. I'm making an effort at working towards these fixes and shouldn't that be a good thing? Maybe a fault is I try to do it all on my own because I like to think I'm Superwoman?! That and I have a seriously hard time really confiding my true emotions to others. I'd rather they confide in me about theirs because I've always had this need to help people. Plus, I feel silly when I start feeling bad for myself because I really am a very Blessed individual.
Here's to another challenge in life, another notch on the strength belt...
A test of our friendship I guess you could say. I'm not thrilled that it has to be tested. In fact it leaves me very VERY sad! I'm praying that it only makes the bond stronger in the end because I'll tell you right now that if it ends broken, another chunk of my heart will turn to ice. I'm not good at handling giving my all in any type of relationship and it falling to pieces. Something I CLEARLY need to work on because it is a part of life and Lord willing I've got a lot more life to live.
This now, almost all out in the open, revelation of honest feelings has also lead to me having to deal with some things. The truth stings all the way down to the core. Not something that I've been denying. Actually, it is something that I've come to a conclusion to two summers ago and have been working on. I've fallen a few times and let me tell you, I don't need anyone to be hard on me for it because I do a phenomenal job at being hard on myself.
I'm so far from perfect it isn't funny, but one thing that I like to think is in my favor, is my realization of my faults. I know I have issues I need to deal with. I'm making an effort at working towards these fixes and shouldn't that be a good thing? Maybe a fault is I try to do it all on my own because I like to think I'm Superwoman?! That and I have a seriously hard time really confiding my true emotions to others. I'd rather they confide in me about theirs because I've always had this need to help people. Plus, I feel silly when I start feeling bad for myself because I really am a very Blessed individual.
Here's to another challenge in life, another notch on the strength belt...
3.27.2011
Love Wounds...
LOVE~ (by definition)In English, the word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure ("I loved that meal") to intense interpersonal attraction ("I love my partner"). "Love" can also refer specifically to the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love, to the sexual love of eros (cf. Greek words for love), to the emotional closeness of familial love, or to the platonic love that defines friendship,[5] to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love. [6] This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.(wikipedia)
Love for me is both simple and difficult to define. It's a word I use often; telling my family and friends I love them every chance I get. I use it to describe how I feel about moments in time, things I truly enjoy, etc. I find that I'm a big sentimental sap and am oozing with love to give. However, I'm a raging contradiction when it comes to becoming vulnerable and opening my heart to falling in love!
I've been in love once. It seems like forever ago and I was SO young when that whirlwind all started. 16 to be exact! I remember how exciting it all was in the beginning. The teenage infatuation that grew into love. For me it was very real and it lasted for 6 years. I gave him everything...my whole heart and soul and was desperate to make it work. But, it didn't and I'm very thankful for it now. I've had many great experiences and learned so much about myself since we parted ways. I'm certain that if we would have stayed together we would have made each other miserable...we did a great job of that towards the end!
The breakup was painful....gut wrenchingly painful. Something I knew I had to do. We couldn't continue on the path we were on. We deserved better than what we were giving to each other. But, knowing that reality didn't make it easy. How can you love someone so much and not fight to make it work? How can you give so much of your time and YOURSELF to someone else and just end it? Did I love him more than he loved me? If so, how could I be so stupid for not figuring it out sooner to save myself from the heartache? Falling out of love sucks!
How do people jump in and out of love like it's NOTHING!?! This is something I often ask myself. I've only done it once and once was enough to keep my heart guarded like Fort Knox! I'm not saying that that is a good thing...like I said earlier I'm a raging contradiction when it comes to love. But, seriously how do people fall in love so easily? One minute Susie loves Bobby so much that she thinks HE is the one. A month later he is out of the picture and she's daydreaming of her wedding with Jimmy!!! That is just foreign to me!
During my single years I've dated a good handful of men. Most of the time, the guy I would date would start to really like me and I would start to freak out. I remember saying to one guy I dated, "Why do you like me? I'm a bitch to you!" TRUE STORY!! I really was awful to him, but he made me feel suffocated and it felt like too much too fast. Obviously I had to end that one. It's like when I can start to feel real emotions coming into play I want to jump ship. It's my knee jerk reaction to the vulnerability of falling in love.
I did have one relationship recently where I didn't react so violently to emotions. I actually started to chip away at my walls and let him in! This was a huge step for me, but I had a feeling it was destined for failure. Karma...for all the times I pushed people away?! That and he had just ended a relationship with the woman he thought he wanted to MARRY 2 months earlier!!! We lasted for a good 6 months (my second longest relationship...first being 6 YEARS)and I enjoyed my time with him. He was a very good man and I will always want the best for him, but I was no longer enjoying helping him mend his broken heart. Or being so understanding of his situation that I wasn't expecting more out of OUR situation! That ending was very painful for me as well! I wasn't in love with him, but I knew my feelings were growing and I could have fallen in love, IF I were to allow myself to.
It's hard for me to not build those walls back up, but I'm trying my hardest not to! I would like to experience the intoxicating emotions of love again. I'm positive that falling in love in your late twenties is a hell of a lot different than falling in love in your teens! I just need to work on letting people in and NOT doing everything possible to push them away (I even did this with Mr. Brokenhearted...I'm sure he would tell you I wasn't very emotionally open).
I will never be that girl that just falls in and out of love with ease. I will not tell someone I LOVE them unless I sincerely MEAN it! BUT, from this point forward I'm going to be more open minded to it. As terrified as I am about experiencing another broken heart....I'm even more terrified of never allowing myself the chance to fall in love again!
So here's to learning from past love wounds and keeping an open heart...
Love for me is both simple and difficult to define. It's a word I use often; telling my family and friends I love them every chance I get. I use it to describe how I feel about moments in time, things I truly enjoy, etc. I find that I'm a big sentimental sap and am oozing with love to give. However, I'm a raging contradiction when it comes to becoming vulnerable and opening my heart to falling in love!
I've been in love once. It seems like forever ago and I was SO young when that whirlwind all started. 16 to be exact! I remember how exciting it all was in the beginning. The teenage infatuation that grew into love. For me it was very real and it lasted for 6 years. I gave him everything...my whole heart and soul and was desperate to make it work. But, it didn't and I'm very thankful for it now. I've had many great experiences and learned so much about myself since we parted ways. I'm certain that if we would have stayed together we would have made each other miserable...we did a great job of that towards the end!
The breakup was painful....gut wrenchingly painful. Something I knew I had to do. We couldn't continue on the path we were on. We deserved better than what we were giving to each other. But, knowing that reality didn't make it easy. How can you love someone so much and not fight to make it work? How can you give so much of your time and YOURSELF to someone else and just end it? Did I love him more than he loved me? If so, how could I be so stupid for not figuring it out sooner to save myself from the heartache? Falling out of love sucks!
How do people jump in and out of love like it's NOTHING!?! This is something I often ask myself. I've only done it once and once was enough to keep my heart guarded like Fort Knox! I'm not saying that that is a good thing...like I said earlier I'm a raging contradiction when it comes to love. But, seriously how do people fall in love so easily? One minute Susie loves Bobby so much that she thinks HE is the one. A month later he is out of the picture and she's daydreaming of her wedding with Jimmy!!! That is just foreign to me!
During my single years I've dated a good handful of men. Most of the time, the guy I would date would start to really like me and I would start to freak out. I remember saying to one guy I dated, "Why do you like me? I'm a bitch to you!" TRUE STORY!! I really was awful to him, but he made me feel suffocated and it felt like too much too fast. Obviously I had to end that one. It's like when I can start to feel real emotions coming into play I want to jump ship. It's my knee jerk reaction to the vulnerability of falling in love.
I did have one relationship recently where I didn't react so violently to emotions. I actually started to chip away at my walls and let him in! This was a huge step for me, but I had a feeling it was destined for failure. Karma...for all the times I pushed people away?! That and he had just ended a relationship with the woman he thought he wanted to MARRY 2 months earlier!!! We lasted for a good 6 months (my second longest relationship...first being 6 YEARS)and I enjoyed my time with him. He was a very good man and I will always want the best for him, but I was no longer enjoying helping him mend his broken heart. Or being so understanding of his situation that I wasn't expecting more out of OUR situation! That ending was very painful for me as well! I wasn't in love with him, but I knew my feelings were growing and I could have fallen in love, IF I were to allow myself to.
It's hard for me to not build those walls back up, but I'm trying my hardest not to! I would like to experience the intoxicating emotions of love again. I'm positive that falling in love in your late twenties is a hell of a lot different than falling in love in your teens! I just need to work on letting people in and NOT doing everything possible to push them away (I even did this with Mr. Brokenhearted...I'm sure he would tell you I wasn't very emotionally open).
I will never be that girl that just falls in and out of love with ease. I will not tell someone I LOVE them unless I sincerely MEAN it! BUT, from this point forward I'm going to be more open minded to it. As terrified as I am about experiencing another broken heart....I'm even more terrified of never allowing myself the chance to fall in love again!
So here's to learning from past love wounds and keeping an open heart...
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