Managing the beasts...

It has been over a month since my last entry. Again, not for lack of things to write. In fact, there have been so many events that have happened. So many different emotions that are swirling around. So many moments where I have wanted to come running to my keyboard and just let it all pour out. But, then life happens and I allow things to get in the way of my time to have this moment of release. Doubts set it and parts of me doesn't want to share too much. So, I may type a few sentences and then delete my efforts, put my keyboard away, and lay down with hopes that I'll find the time and mood to write the next day.

I have started a new journey in my life. A journey to conquer my beasts that are stress and anxiety. These beasts play into the agony of fiby and after a particularly rough weekend both mentally and physically, I had this burning desire to change it. It was the push I needed to start doing something for myself. One would think the natural thing to do would call up the doctor and start popping some pills to manage these demons. However, I have a strong dislike for doctors and for taking medicine. NOT that I do not believe that there are legitmate times when both are needed. They very much are, but I know myself and I know that is not what is best for me. Not until I exhaust every other natural option that there is.

So on the Monday after the very exhausting weekend, I consulted the "book of knowledge" as my boyfriend likes to call it (that would be google). I searched for therapists in my surrounding area and came up with at least 15 to choose from. Most of which I quickly glanced over and made the quick assumption that they were not for me. Then, I happened upon the lady that I am currently seeing. There was something about the quick blurb about her practice that caught my eye and made me look into her practice a little further. So I visited her website and read about hypnotherapy and decided this was something that I really wanted to try. It is a bit uncovnentional and not something that I would have went searching for on my own, but I felt a pull towards this type of therapy. I think life has a way of doing that. Pulling you where you need to go.

I emailed her that same day and expressed what I was looking to gain from this. Guidence and tools that I can use to better manage my stress and anxiety. I gave a quick description of what is currently going on in my life that lead me to searching for this tool. She called me that afternoon and we had a great 15 minute conversation. Have you ever had moments where you met someone and felt an instant connection in one form or another? That is what it felt like talking with her. I felt comfortable and open and at complete ease. I left the conversation excited and eager to finally meet her and see what this could do for me.

I am not new to therapy. I have tried this route in my early adulthood and I can't say that it was the best or worst thing that I have ever done. I just knew that I wasn't looking to just sit in someones office and spill my insides out and have them nod and listen and give me a line. I wanted someone who would make me do some soul searching. Put a little work into this because I know that the healing of my life will come from me. I have to do the hard work. It is just nice to have someone who can guide you and give you the tools to do so. I am happy to say that this is what I am getting with my hypnotherapist.

I am learning to manage stress and anxiety. I am learning to better communicate my feelings and what is important to me. To not push them aside in fear of them being a burden to others. Which has been a source of relief and has allowed me to communicate on a different level. I know that I still have work ahead of me, but it has been an empowering experience and one I'm happy to share with anyone who cares to actually read this.

When it comes to your emotional well being, I don't think that anyone should be ashamed of what they do to better the person that they are. There is a negative connotation that usually goes along with therapy, but I don't believe that it shows weakness in someone. I think quite the opposite. It takes great courage to meet with someone and actively work on bettering yourself. I will acknowledge that it may not be for everyone, but if you are toying with the idea I suggest you do some research of the therapists in your area and the methods they use and just try it.

"Everything that happens is meant to help move you into your greater self."

Scattered thoughts...

It has been a little while since my last entry. I do this often. Get on a little roll and then disappear for days, weeks, or maybe even months. It is not for lack of thoughts flowing and itching to get out, but rather my super critical side kicks in. I start doubting my writing and wonder if maybe I'm divulging too much of my inner thoughts. I have envy for those who can bleed at the fingertips and share with whomever happens upon their blog. They are brave souls and I would love to know how they do it without having a panic attack after hitting the post button!? It's a scary thing, sharing your soul with complete strangers. But, here I am, trying to get back on the horse...

Since my last post, I have experienced more roller coaster emotions. Have had several highs and a few lows. I'm happy to say that the highs are lasting longer and the lows are fleeting moments. I'm learning to trust in a new light, forgiving those who caused the hurt, and focusing on a brighter tomorrow.

I tend to look for the lessons in the painful situations I'm faced with. It seems to help me process and move forward. It sounds simple and easy, but the honest truth is, I would not be able to tell anyone HOW to do this! Not a clue. It is just something that I do. It usually involves serious internal turmoil and then just one day...BAM, the lesson is right there in my face and I use that as my focal point to move forward.

The most recent events have taught me that I have someone in my life that I want to work through the struggles that relationships are faced with. I don't want to run when things get hard. I want to do this right and that requires a lot of hard work, compromise, patience, and forgivness. It takes both parties working hard at those things to make something last and this situation showed me that I have someone who is willing to fight for it. Isn't that what we all want? Someone who doesn't want to run during the tough times, because there will always be challenges and it's nice to have someone with you during them.

In other news, fiby has been being a major bitch lately! Those who know me and want to know what it's like to live with fibromyalgia always ask me to describe it. My typical answer is, I am in some sort of pain every single day of my life. I find that they don't really want to know the truth because it makes them feel uncomfortable and I'm sure they wish they could empathize, but there is no way to really understand unless you live it. Basically, just imagine that on good days you hurt and on bad days you feel that the only real source of relief is through some form of mutilation to your body.

I'm hoping to get my act together and really start focusing on the natural ways to help tame my sidekick. When I'm not in pain and helping everyone else of course! HA!!! One day I will really focus on my health and be reporting about more good days rather than days where I want to chop off body parts. One day...

Now, time to do some front porch sitting and listening to great music to escape for a little while. Hopefully it is not weeks before the next entry...

Dear Fiby...

Thank you for being a bitch and deciding to have a flare up! I appreciate how just when I'm starting to feel "good" you start throwing a tantrum. Heaven forbid I actually feel good!

You're also playing a big part on making it difficult to actually write. You're just a jealous freak that can't let me enjoy one of the things I like most (mental note...need to get wireless keypad for iPad to make it easier on me).

Also, you make my brain go to a crazy place (as well as make me very forgetful) where all I can think about is painful ways to ease my pain. Like I could really go for someone breaking me into a million pieces or you know at the least a really good deep tissue massage.

Hopefully, I'll have a decent day soon and one where I'm not over-analyzing my writing so that I can actually get back to it...

Dear Fiby...

I feel a flare up coming on. My stress has been through the roof (which honestly isn't out of the norm as I stress rather easily) and I'm probably pushing myself to do too much. I have a habit of pushing my limits. I guess this is my stubborn nature. I don't want to let fiby stop me from doing anything. However, the way I'm starting to feel and know what this feeling usually leads to (complete agony); I should probably listen to my body and pace myself.

I'm not really looking forward to what the next few days are going to feel like. The stiffness is settling in, the sensation of burning liquid is flowing through my veins, my brain isn't allowing thoughts to process or words to flow freely, and the exhaustion is taking over. And this is just the beginning! I just hope it doesn't last long because I've got a life to live and fiby is just going to have to get over being an attention whore.

I could really go for a hot bubble bath followed by an extremely attractive gentleman massaging me for hours...

For family and friends...

These are not my words, but they say a lot and it is so true! Found this on a support group page.


My illness is a difficult one to understand, even for me. Many of the problems it causes are invisible and difficult to anticipate. I need you to understand that my life always is subject to change because of the unpredictable nature of the illness with which I must live.  First, let me explain the depth of this illness-
1.  My joints and muscles constantly hurt, burn, ache, cramp and/or feel sore.
2.  I may need some very heavy pain killers and even then they still might not work.
3.  I never get deep sleep so I never feel rested and am always tired.
4.  I get terrible headaches, some may last days, and there is very little I can do about it.
5.  My vision, hearing, sense of smell, and sense of taste all can be affected. I may get a very dry mouth, very dry eyes and/or blurry vision, or be very sensitive to odours, noises, lights, etc.
6.  The fatigue I get can be overwhelming- and some days I cannot get out of bed no matter how I try.
7.  There are emotional side effects- like depression, memory loss, and difficulty concentrating.
8.  The medication I take has physical side effects- weight loss/gain, changes in my appearance, feeling doped up, mood changes, and problems with bowels/bladder.
9.  I may need to use walking aids, other aids like a helping hand, or sometimes even use a scooter or wheelchair. Other times I may need no help at all.
10. I might not be able to drink alcohol or eat certain foods because of my medication and illness.
11. The illness is here for the rest of my life- sometimes I will seem very well and "back to the old me"…and sometimes I may become very ill. It's unpredictable.
12. This is not contagious, and there is no evidence that it is something I have inherited or will pass down to children.   
This is all because my body has a serious fault in the way it perceives pain, and doesn't allow me to sleep in the way that gives my body the energy and time it needs to repair and rejuvenate itself.  Sometimes, I might go into remission meaning that I will do pretty well for a while- and sometimes, I will have flares, meaning that things will get very bad. I can't tell when a remission or a flare will happen, and I don't know how long either might last.  Most experts agree that if I can get good sleep, over time the pain situation will improve because overnight the brain will reset the pain receptors.  There are some things you can do which would make it much easier for everyone and I would be grateful if you would take the time to read this and try to understand.
1.  I will have good days, bad days, and many days in between. I can't always tell from one day to the next, or even sometimes from one hour to the next, how well I will be, so please be forgiving when I must change plans at the last moment. I don't mean to let you down. 
2.  Some days I will have all the energy in the world- and the next day I will be half dead. It's just the way things are- please don't say "You were okay to do this yesterday…" I can't help it.
3.  Please don't judge me as a complainer, whiner, or as a person making more of their illness than seems necessary. Many of the problems I have are invisible to other people so please be patient, understanding and compassionate. 
4.  I don't want to spend my days in misery, so even if I have pain, am very tired, or even if I am just worried, I will still try to be happy and enjoy myself. This does not mean I am physically better, it just means that I am coping with the chronic pain and fatigue pretty well that day. My health will never be "back to normal". "Healthy" and "better" will always be a relative terms for me now.
5.  I get lonesome and miss being part of the active life I once lead. Remember me- call me- visit me- don't give up on me. Please don't forget me or stop asking me to do things because I so often say no… It's not because I don't want to, it's because I can't. With a little help from you, I might be able to get more involved. I want to be part of your life.
6.  This isn't my fault and if I could I would get rid of it. It's not my fault there is no cure.  It is not all in my head! The syndrome of symptoms been discussed in medical literature since the early 1800's. Although there is no one test to prove it exists, that doesn't mean it isn't real. My pain and other symptoms are real, and result from both the chronic lack of deep sleep and the chemicals in my nervous system which triggers the pain receptors to feel terrible pain when most people would feel a lesser sensation like an ache. The body actually thinks it needs to build more pain receptors- so it does, making the pain even worse. The longer I have this illness the worse it will be.
7.  It's okay to talk about what is happening. I would rather you ask than pretend you haven't noticed how different I am or just avoid me. It's okay for us to talk about how my illness affects you, too. I won't see it as a betrayal if you talk to me about your frustrations with my illness as long as you don't blame me.
8.  It's okay to say "I know you don't feel well, but I don't want to hear about it today". Don't feel that you are obliged to listen to me … but if you ask how I am, I am going to tell you so if you don't really want to know, don't ask! I will try to remember that although my illness is a huge part of my life, you may not want it to be a part of yours.  If you find me overwhelming, tell me! Challenge me, but please do it with love and compassion. 
9.  Don't try to tell me that all I need is a little exercise, or just to get out, or try a certain pain tablet, or some new treatment, etc, because it works for you or someone you know… Please don't feel rejected if you try to offer me a solution for my problems and I don't take you up on it. I am under close medical care and am doing everything I can.
10. You may think I just need to push myself a bit harder or that I am giving in to things too easily. One of the problems with this illness is that if I try too hard, it can set me back considerably. I have to be more patient with myself and accept my limits- I don't like it this way either but I have come to realise that one day of trying too hard and doing too much could make me much more ill for weeks. I need to be slow but steady.
11. Sometimes, I need to sit down and rest, right away. When it gets like that, I can't wait… I really am at the mercy of my body and even though it may seem selfish I know that if I don't take care of my self, my body will get even with a vengeance because that is the nature of this disease. 
12. Please don't belittle my pain or fatigue. It makes me crazy when I hear "Yeah, you may think your back aches, but you just sit all day- I spent the day in the garden!" I wish I could have pain because I did something I enjoy- not just because my body is hurting itself. It is okay though to tell me how you are feeling- you may find that I am more compassionate than most when you tell me how you feel because I really do understand pain and fatigue… and you will find I may have some advice that can help you!
13. Please don't tell me I need to lose weight. I know.  I am doing the best I can. Don't criticise my eating, please. It won't help either of us.
14. I don't choose to be down and miserable but depression is part of this illness. I need you to remember that I didn't choose any of what this illness has done to me- I am struggling to learn how to manage, to cope with what it does to me, to grieve the loss of my health and to do the best I can to live the best life I can. Although I am grieving the loss of who I was before this illness struck and sometimes I get so frustrated I just can't help feeling sorry for myself, it's not just in my head- its an effect of the illness, too, that I become depressed and anxious.
15. The pain receptors in the membranes around the joints and muscles keep telling my body that it hurts even when there is no reason. This pain is real, it is perceived the same way you feel pain if you hit your finger with a hammer.
16. Sometimes I will have brain-fog. It's common in this illness to have moments when your memory is poor, or to find it difficult to think clearly. It will pass. It's not permanent- so if something is important to you please don't forget to remind me! I will be grateful. It's also ok to remind me to write something down, or to check back with me later. Please don't think I am ignoring you, being difficult, or just don't care. I feel terrible when I forget. It's because no matter how hard I try I can't sleep well, and medication doesn't help because sleep from medication is not the right kind of sleep, either.
17. I need to know if and how I can ask you for help. Sometimes, I will need more help and support than other times. Please let me know if you can help. If you can give me a lift, take me to an appointment,  help me with an errand or a task- maybe make a hot dish for me some night when I can't manage to make a meal- please let me know. When I am stuck in the house because things are bad, please come sit with me, even if there is nothing you can do. Little things like calling me every couple of days just to check in- sending a note, card, or email can make a huge difference. If you can, please reach out to me. Even if you can't do anything specific, just be my friend. Your friendship is the most important therapy I have. 
18. I can still do things for you. Please don't stop asking me to babysit, to run an errand for you, to do something I have always done before when I was well. I'll be honest if I can't- please, if it's something I did before, it's okay to ask me again. 
19. Please respect handicap parking and encourage others to do the same. Sometimes, people with illnesses like mine can't get out if they have to walk far- if everyone respected handicap parking, life would be easier for me and people like me who need those special spots. Defend handicap parking and it makes a real difference. 
All in all, I need you to realise that I am the same person I have always been- my heart, soul, hobbies, interests, sense of humour and mind are all still there- it's my body that is turning against itself. I am more desperate for your love and acceptance than I am able to tell you. Please try to understand.  Please accept me the way I am, please forgive me for the things that have changed, please forgive me and try to understand if I disappoint you, try to accept that I am not in control of what this is doing to me. Please forgive me if I let you down – I know that these changes are hard on everyone around me, too.  I wish it could be different, for all of us. With time, compassion and love, things will eventually settle and we will all adapt.

 

Dear Fiby...

GO


FUCK

YOUR

SELF

!!!!

ranting and raving...

Do you ever have moments when you want to jump out of your skin!? When you are completely and miserably uncomfortable in your body? When you just want to break free and go running for the hills? I do!!!

I couldn't tell you the reason why I get this way, but it does happen from time to time. It is a terrible feeling and leaves me highly irritated with everything and everyone. Which in turn leaves me highly irritated with myself because this isn't ME! Maybe it is a combination of the stress that builds up at work having to deal with the only person I've ever met that makes my blood boil in 2.5 seconds and Fiby playing her nasty tricks? I'm thinking I've hit the nail on the head!

Maybe I'm desperately grabbing onto every thread of sanity I have in me and on days such as these I'm losing the tug of war with Fiby? Maybe its my sanity trying to escape to take a fucking break? I'm telling you that I sometimes surprise myself with how well I handle Fiby because I can guarantee you living in pain EVERY fucking day of your life is more than enough to drive a person insane! I have my stubbornness to Thank for not caving in.

So, here I am trying to sooth my soul by letting the thoughts flow onto this post, sipping cheap (and surprisingly decent) red wine, and listening to music that speaks to me. Writing has always had a way of making me feel better..a way to release and let go. Unfortunately, Fiby has staked her claims on my brain as well and sometimes writing can leave me more frustrated than when I started. Not all of the time, but there are moments when I experience what they like to call Fibro fog and it leaves me feeling like a ratard (I spelled it that way on purpose)! The words I'm searching for, that ive used a million times before, playing hide and seek in my brain; taunting me by peaking out of the corners, but never fully showing themselves. Which results in blank stares (while I'm feverishly searching my brain) and something completely ridiculous stumbling out of my mouth or onto my posts. How did I end up here? Way to go brain for taking me on a different path!

I'm beginning to relax. I can feel my sanity nestling back to where it belongs. I no longer want to jump out of my skin! Yesssss...Thank you fibro fog for taking a backseat, wine for taking the edge off, and music for being so damn good to me! Now if only I had a tub so I could soak my aching body...

Dear Fiby...

I see, or rather feel, that you have decided to throw one of your temper tantrums again! SUPER! I'm not sure why we have decided to throw a fit; was it my intense workouts this week, the rain (yes weather DOES play a part), or possibly stress? I'm guessing a little bit of everything.

Today I hurt ALL over. It is an intense, deep, burning, stabbing sensation that is coursing through every fiber in my body. I feel stiff and like all my muscles are wound up into the tiniest possible ball. Staying in one position for more than five minutes is unbearable and all I want to do is scream and cry!

I want someone to knead my muscles like a ball of dough or break my body into a million little pieces! Who is willing to do me this favor?! I swear to you it will feel better then what I'm experiencing right now. That or I just need to find a way to be weightless. Often I daydream of being swallowed by the clouds and smothered in their fluffy weightlessness. I know it is impossible, but I bet it would be glorious!

Of course for those that don't know me well enough, you would NEVER know that my body is its own torture device. That every single day of my life I'm experiencing some level of pain. Nope, sure wouldn't! I look fine and I keep my positive attitude and smile firmly planted for the outside world. But, there are times when all I want to do is scream and cry and throw a tantrum. Not that it would make anything better, but I just WANT to.

I do not wish this on ANYONE, not even someone I strongly dislike...